Welp folks, I’m now a Made Man in the depraved and hilarious world of American Pop Culture–the only World that really matters in this country. Andrew Breitbart, the Brentwood-born West Hollywood princeling, has officially anointed me “Important Enough To Hate.” And as far as I can tell there are only two types of people fighting against the human hagfish who dominate this country: Those important enough to be hated by Andrew Breitbart and others in the right-wing media elites, and those we never hear about. Hey folks, I don’t make the rules here. Wish I did; wish I could be the guy who decides whether or not those Bircher fantasies about leftwing Stalin GULAGs were turned into reality—but unfortunately, I’m just a guy with a pretty face, and no power–until today, that is, when Andrew Breitbart titled me.
Andrew Breitbart’s attack on me is his way of saying, “Hey, Mark Ames, I don’t like your devastating exposes on the billionaires whose shoes I shine with my tongue, and with pleasure too!” But it’s also more than that. See, when it comes to investigative journalism and having an editor’s nose for “The Story,” Andrew Breitbart can run with the best of ’em. Which is exactly why he sicced his ace cub reporter on perhaps the greatest unsolved mystery of our time: “Who Is Johnny Chen?”
BWAH-HAH-HAH-HAH!
Okay, shit, I’m sorry, but just typing that last bit has me literally bursting out laughing every time. I can’t help it folks. I mean seriously, is Andrew Breitbart tickling my underarms on purpose with this “Johnny Chen Exposed!” or does he actually mean it? Because as I’m typing this out on my flight to Denver now, I realize I can’t stop laughing every time I retype that Johnny Chen scoop that Andrew Breitbart put his top cub reporter on.
The “Johnny Chen” Scoop: Comix character, or Mark Ames pseudonym in a vast conspiracy to undermine the Koch brothers and capitalism? See Breitbart for details…
For those of you not familiar with The eXile, a brief explanation on the great mysterious Johnny Chen, our Moscow newspaper’s notorious Asian-American club reviewer. Chen embodied the rank essence of the American “aid” mission in Russia during the 1990’s: by day, a vastly overpaid “consultant” preaching disastrous free-market neoliberal advice to Yeltsin’s gang, all paid for by USAID and World Bank funds…by night, Chen unleashed the Moscow expat version of Col. Kurtz: A drunken, drugged-up rape-mad invader the likes of which hadn’t been seen in Russia since the days of Genghis Khan and the Golden Horde. Chen was the perfect representation of the West’s rapacious mission in Russia…and for that, he became a lightening rod for Clinton Administration attacks on The eXile, to discredit our exposes on all the corruption involving Harvard, Soros, USAID, and Larry Summers’ crew. Johnny Chen was the excuse used by Michael McFaul to censor and marginalize The eXile; you may know McFaul today as Obama’s pick to be the US ambassador to Russia.
Andrew Breitbart, George Soros and Clintonites agree: Johnny Chen must be exposed!
I’d always assumed that the Johnny Chen character was only a problem among the politically-correct Clinton crowd, but Andrew Breitbart has just proven me wrong about the hagfish, again. You forget that hagfish like Breitbart are humor-handicapped, which is what happens when you spend your waking hours gnawing on carrion and puking up slime.
Anyway, read it for yourself folks: Bretibart has sub-contracted out a Harvard Law School grad and failed Republican Tea Party candidate for Congress last year to solve the darkest conspiracy mystery since the JFK assassination: “Who was Johnny Chen?”
Here’s the email I got yesterday, from Teafailure Joel B. Pollak:
Dear Mr. Ames,
I’m doing a story for BigGovernment.com on your role in crafting the Koch brothers meme.
I tried calling the number on the website, but could not get hold of you. I would like to ask you the following questions:
1. Before you ran your original Koch brothers story on Santelli’s rant, did you try to contact any of the people or institutions that you and Levine named as part of the conspiracy in your original story (e.g. Santelli, Odom)? Which ones?
2. In your book about the eXile, you recount many of your experiences with sex, drugs, etc. — are all of these true?
3. Owen Matthews has alleged that you wrote as “Johnny Chen”–is that true?
4. What made you focus on the Koch brothers in particular?
5. You’ve targeted “oligarchs,” in the U.S. and in Russia–why not target public-sector unions and their cozy relationship with big government?
I’m on deadline, so if you could kindly provide some answers to me by this evening, I’d appreciate that.
Thanks for your help.
Joel Pollak
Breitbart.com, LLC
149 S. Barrington Avenue, #401
Los Angeles, California 90049
I got that email and thought, “They’re onto me! Elizabeth! I’m comin’, ‘Lizabeth!” If they’ve solved the Johnny Chen Conspiracy, then it’s curtains for me, folks! I mean, what’ll Breitbart’s cub reporters expose next? That I’m also the guy behind Stuart Pratt, the bearded Canadian eco-feminist club reviewer? And Denis Salnikov, the snobby bisexual Russian nationalist?
Terrified, I had the eXiled’s unpaid, much-abused intern-slave email back the following reply:
Dear Mr JOEL B. POLLAK,
Thank you for your letter. Unfortunately, due to the large volume of fan mail to Mr. Ames, please allow 4-6 weeks for a reply. Furthermore, I am under strict instructions from Mr. Ames that he only responds to Tea Party Republicans who actually won their elections, and not to respond to any queries from, as Mr. Ames put it, “Tea Party backwash, by which I mean those Republican C-list failures who got their asses handed to them in the 2010 election. I grant you, there are almost no Tea Party Republicans who actually got their sorry asses handed to them by liberals in the elections, so thankfully the list is small.”
However, my boss Mr. Ames would be willing to answer queries from your boss Mr Andrew Breitbats, or from someone on the level of a Mr Charles Koch, should Mr Charles Koch be interested in discovering how Mr. Ames and Mr. Levine broke the Tea Party story before anyone else.
Regards,
Vikram S. Khemka
Assistant to Mr. Mark Ames
Sorry, I should take this more seriously, I know. I should be grateful to my new VIP peer Andrew Breitbart for making me all famous ‘n’ stuff, and doing it the most unintentionally-comical way possible. So thank you Andrew Breitbart, for hiring a goggle-eyed freak named Joel B. Pollak to carry out this flaccid character-assassination on me [Hint: when trying to character-assassinate, don’t give so much unintended praise about how I’d broken the Koch-Tea Party story, try and minimize what a fucking god I am–I mean, this ranks up there with the 10-page Vanity Fair feature on me, and it really shouldn’t, it should be bad publicity, not good…you’ll figure it out some day, champ!]. And thanks to Breitbart, the hit-piece was served on a bed of pure comedy gold. I thank Thee, Yahweh—or if not Thee, then Baal, or Darwin, whichever god put the idea in Breitbart’s head that the key to destroying Mark Ames was to be found in the “Who Is Johnny Chen?” riddle.
Ever since the Kremlin shut my newspaper down and sent me fleeing back to the USA in 2008, I’ve spent these past three years doing everything humanly possible to raise my bounty among the Breitbart A-list hagfish. Sort of like that Bugs Bunny episode I used to love, when Bugs got so angry over the fact that the bounty on rabbits was a mere two cents that he sawed off Florida from the mainland, and swiped the Panama Canal’s locks… Worked for Bugs, he got famous; now, thanks to Andrew Breitbart, it’s worked for me too.
Things are going to get fun here, finally. From now on, it’s me against Andrew Breitbart. Mano a Hollywood-elite-Mano.
Mark Ames: “I can’t wait to be that guy in the glasses!”
And I gotta admit folks, I’m excited about this. Andrew is quite a guy! For example, I’ve heard from Andrews’ close friends stories about Andrew’s awesome life-changing epiphany he experienced during a Cure concert. Yes folks, it’s true: according to a mutual friend of Andrew’s and mine (see, we’re both part of the Cultural Elite now), before Breitbart became the puffy-faced Koch-fiend that he is today, a younger, less puffy-faced Andrew Breitbart regaled his pals with his story about his Great Moment: it came during a Cure concert—you know, that band with the whiny singer who attracted all the chubby girls and depressed drama students? So far I haven’t figured out if Andrew’s life changed during the Cure hit “Boys Don’t Cry” or “Killing An Arab” but I’ll do my best to get to the bottom of this, folks. If you’re wondering “Can Mark Ames go toe to toe with the media titan who blew open the “Who Is Johnny Chen?” conspiracy,” there’s your answer, America.
Now, as much fun as we’re having here, I do have one complaint to lodge. This is me talking now to you, Andrew Breitbart, from one member of the Cultural Elite to another: Did you really have to subcontract out the “Ames Hit Job” to a colossal loser like “Joel. B. Pollak”? That really wasn’t nice, Andrew. I mean really, this guy Joel B. Pollak is a LOSER.
Joel B. Pollak: From Harvard Law ’99* to chasing the Johnny Chen story in 2011, you’ve come a long way, baby!
He has the distinction of being just about the only Tea Party Republican candidate for Congress who got his sorry right-wing ass handed to him in the 2010 election. By a Pelosi-Democrat, no less! How he lost, no one knows—it’s a mystery right up there with the “Who Is Johnny Chen?” conundrum. Did you put this loser on the “Ames Hit” job on purpose, just to humiliate me? Because if you did, I’ll be honest, it worked. Seriously, how the fuck did this Joel B. Pollak manage the impossible and get his teabagger ass slaughtered by a liberal Nancy Pelosi-like Democrat, Jan Schakowsky, an appeaser to Islamofascism if there ever was one. Even more embarrassing for Joel B. Pollak is that the Jews in his district rejected him even more thoroughly than the goys rejected him–65% of Pollak’s district’s Jews voted for Schakowsky. That oughta sting real bad-like, seein’ as Joel B. Pollak based his entire dirty campaign on 2010 as a referendum on which candidate was more pro-Israeli: appeaser-liberal-Islamofasc-symp Schakowsky, or the goggle-eyed freak from South Africa, Joel B. Pollak:
Republican challenger Joel Pollak attacked Congresswoman Jan Schakowsky repeatedly over Israel and her affiliation with J Street — and the attacks did not work, and in some cases backfired with Jewish voters in the district. Rep. Schakowsky won reelection with 65% of the vote.
Among Jewish voters who had voted for Congresswoman Schakowsky in 2008, 46% were more likely to cast their vote for Schakowsky again after hearing the attacks and 40% said the attacks made no difference.
Ouch! It’s one thing if the goyim don’t support you, but to be soundly rejected by your own people in the easiest-to-win election in the history of the Republic–folks, in the annals of electoral loserdom, Joel B. Pollak wins the loser-gold! I’d compare him to another Jew rejected by his people, but then that’d make Pollak, you know, Jesus-like, and as one Tribester to another, frankly, I draw a line in the sand at comparing-rejected-Jews-to-Jesus jokes. But seriously, how the fuck did Joel B. Pollak lose?! The Tea Party could’ve run plankton against a liberal Democrat in the 2010 elections and still win. In fact, the Tea Party did run plankton in district after district, and plankton won every time. If plankton won, what does that make Joel B. Plankton, Teabag loser extraordinaire? A sea sponge?
Seriously, every single one of those mutants in the Tea Party won in last November’s election—all you had to do was screech some unintelligible gibberish, foam at the mouth for the cameras a bit, and you were on the next flight to Capitol Hill, carrying out the Koch Brothers’ orders to a “T.” Every horrible amalgamation of organic matter that the Tea Party could scrape off the ocean floor vents won their 2010 election—except for the guy that Breitbart sicced on me: Joel B. Pollak. (I hear that the other Tea Partiers were telling “Pollak” jokes last November, it begins something like, “Q: How many Pollaks does it take to fuck up the easiest 2010 Tea Party election victory ever handed to him?” Or: “Hey Joel B. Pollak, you just got completely trounced in the election by a Pelosi-Democrat Islamofascist appeaser, what’re you gonna do now?” “I’m gonna become a Mark Ames fanboy and solve the Johnny Chen conspiracy!” Ah well, you had to be there, I guess—had ‘em rollin’ in Peoria…)
“Yeah, I lost!” Joel B. Pollak does a Howard Dean loser-arm-pump after getting laughed out of the election race by Jewish voters
So I take it as a personal sleight, Andrew Breitbart. You scraped the bottom of your goon-barrel for your hit-job on me, and in doing so, I have to tell you, you have shown me disrespect.
Moreover, Andrew sicced this Joel B. Pollak at the very nadir of his long downhill career-slide. Just a few years ago, Joel B. Pollak was a guy who was going places. An apartheid-baby born in South Africa the same year that anti-apartheid martyr Stephen Biko was tortured to death by white South African interrogators, Joel B. Pollak must have been so deeply affected by his close experience with apartheid’s racist, fascist violence that we must speculate that he vowed to himself, “One day, I, Joel B. Pollak, will work for Andrew Breitbart and I will finally discover the answer to the question, ‘Who was Johnny Chen, club reviewer for The eXile?’”
But it didn’t have to be that way: There was a time when Joel B. Pollak almost had a future he could be proud of, a future where he didn’t scour the Internet as the “Johnny Chen” sleuth-for-hire. Joel B. Pollak was once a Harvard Law school grad, class of ’99*. Guys from Harvard go on to big things. Some of them even become presidents (albeit Islamofascist presidents). Some of them become Alan Dershowitz. And one of them, Joel B. Pollak, poured coffee for Alan Dershowitz, “possibly the best coffee-pourer I’ve worked with in decades, a man who understands the meaning of the word ‘Fetch, boy!’” As a class of ’99* Harvard Law School grad, Joel could have become anything or anyone, like his fellow alumni. Joel B. Pollak had the world in his hands right up until last November’s elections, but alas, he flubbed it like the Bill Buckner of the Tea Party, as the ball of certain-victory spun through his buttery mit. (Why bother with a good analogy if Breitbart throws this clown at me?) Maybe it’s because Joel B. Pollak is not so much plankton or sea sponge as he is something far more horrifying, one of those grotesque HP Lovecraft creatures from the deep deep oceans: I mean look at those freakish goggle-eyes of his. Could this be why Illinois voters canned him?
And so Joel B. Pollak’s bright future went over a darkened cliff into the foul cauldron of sitcom villainy: From Harvard Law grad, to colossal failure as a Tea Party Republican candidate for Congress, to this, the very lowest imaginable fate of all—Breitbart’s ace sleuth hot on the trail of the great “Who Is Johnny Chen?” mystery… I don’t say this often, but “Joel B. Pollak, you’ve come a long way, baby!”
Update: Ace Reporter Joel B. Pollak Unleashes Hi-Tech “Proxy” Weaponry On Mark Ames! Click Here For Details!
* = Reader informs us that Joel B. Pollak graduated from Harvard undergrad in 1999, and graduated from Harvard Law School some other year. We would take the time to correct this, but frankly, we don’t really give a shit.
Would you like to know more? Read “Breitbart Hijinx Update: Ace Reporter Joel B. Pollak Knows What A ‘Proxy’ Is.” For more background, read “Jim Goad and Gavin McInnes Beg Mark Ames: ‘Answer Me, Please?'” Also read “KKKat Fight! White Power Fashionista John Galliano VS. White Power Fashionista Gavin McInnes.”
Mark Ames is the author of Going Postal: Rage, Murder and Rebellion from Reagan’s Workplaces to Clinton’s Columbine.
Click the cover & buy the book!
Read more: andrew breitbart, brentwood, gavin mcinnes, joel b. pollak, johnny chen, the cure, the exile, Mark Ames, eXiled Alert!, Koch Whores
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94 Comments
Add your own1. svirgula | August 30th, 2011 at 12:51 pm
win
2. Koob | August 30th, 2011 at 12:57 pm
RED SALUTE COMRADE AMES
3. casino implosion | August 30th, 2011 at 1:06 pm
I can’t imagine a better target for the sarcastic wrath of Exiled than Breitbart. Rip his face off!
4. Dr. Luny | August 30th, 2011 at 1:13 pm
Glad to see Ames is still willing to grasp his opponent firmly by the throat and dive deeper into the sewer to strangle him in a pool of filth.
5. Tyler | August 30th, 2011 at 1:28 pm
Welcome to Hell, Joel.
If you need to find Buns Mcgillacuddy I can help you track him down, for a tasty fee. If you want to “touch his buns” that costs extra.
6. Muckraker | August 30th, 2011 at 1:40 pm
brutal…. just brutal. the exiled can and will kill any man, anywhere
7. Mike | August 30th, 2011 at 2:01 pm
Illinois 9th District is 100% urban and includes a good portion of the Northside of Chicago and near suburbs. As greedy and shortsighted as yuppies can be, they aren’t dumb or racist enough to vote for a teabagger. Pollak’s campaign was doomed from the start. He probably ran for the publicity boost and never actually expected to win.
Jan Schakowsky also isn’t much of an “appeaser” of Islam (I know the term was used saterically). Sure, she gets some funding from local wealthy Muslims, but probably does even more to court Jewish funding/votes. She lashed out at the Freedom Flotilla, for example. She’s Jewish too.
Schakowsky supports civil rights, organized labor, taxing the rich, and public healthcare, but it’s pretty sad that she’s the best the “left” has in congress. She’s still a relatively moderate Democrat.
8. Tyler | August 30th, 2011 at 2:03 pm
http://biggovernment.com/jpollak/2011/08/30/meet-mark-ames-the-exile-who-created-the-false-koch-brothers-conspiracy-theory/
The gloves are off, Ames. In typical American style they have gone the lame PC and Morality route denigrating you for your more over the top exile articles rather than focusing on the issue. I’d call it character assassination, except, you have worked pretty hard at never taking yourself too seriously. This pollack guy is a little puke. Clearly he is smart enough to u derstand irony, but he also knows that his constituents do not and will take anything written in the first person as fact.
You will be happy to know that a bunch of right wingers are condemning you to Hell, however.
Go more over the top. You are “this” close to being the Paris Hilton of journalism.
9. helplesscase | August 30th, 2011 at 2:10 pm
Oh man…it’s always nice to see these rightwing “hate”-mongers go up against the genuine article.
10. Karl Farts 3148 | August 30th, 2011 at 2:23 pm
NEVER REVEAL THE IDENTITY OF JOHNNY CHEN.
It was too much fun imagining him…
Mark, you are finally hitting your peak, well played sir.
11. radii | August 30th, 2011 at 2:28 pm
could use an edit, Mark
12. Kyle | August 30th, 2011 at 2:41 pm
Joel B. Pallock looks like that Stuart character from madTV.
13. Mirroring | August 30th, 2011 at 3:01 pm
Just classic. This is the funniest thing I’ve read since I opened up my local Illinois paper the morning after the mid-term elections and found out that Joel B. Pollok had somehow managed get his ass kicked in a landslide. And in what should have been the easiest election since the last time Brezhnev put his hat in the ring!
On second thought, maybe you’re right. For Breitbart to sic a second-rate weirdo like Joel B. Pollok on you has to be an insult, right? Although ol’ Andrew really ain’t that bright.
(And, honestly, who is just plain weirder than Joel B. Pollok? I mean everything: his looks, his mannerisms, his libertard politics, his writing, his logic…”you’re going after oligarchs, so you should naturally go after the teacher’s union” …What the fuck? Who thinks like this? Weird dude.)
14. richardporter | August 30th, 2011 at 4:06 pm
hatfields and mccoys – an american tradition – nice rebuttal.
my favorite lines:
“One day, I, Joel B. Pollak, will work for Andrew Breitbart and I will finally discover the answer to the question, ‘Who was Johnny Chen, club reviewer for The eXile?’”
And one of them, Joel B. Pollak, poured coffee for Alan Dershowitz, “possibly the best coffee-pourer I’ve worked with in decades, a man who understands the meaning of the word ‘Fetch, boy!’” As a class of ’99 Harvard Law School grad, Joel could have become anything or anyone, like his fellow alumni.
15. motorfirebox | August 30th, 2011 at 4:26 pm
It’s about damn time we saw some blood on the eXiled’s knuckles.
16. vortexgods | August 30th, 2011 at 5:31 pm
“Who Is Johnny Chen?”
I think Johnny Chen might be… John Galt!
Seriously, has anyone ever seen them in a room together? (And if so, what were they doing?)
17. Nut juggler | August 30th, 2011 at 6:09 pm
Alright Mr Ames. Drop the pants and get your reward. After “18 ways to hate your neighbor”, this is the best piece of exiled writing ever.
18. Kepka Tabletka | August 30th, 2011 at 6:11 pm
“I’m on deadline, so if you could kindly provide some answers to me by this evening, I’d appreciate that.” – HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!
19. CAW | August 30th, 2011 at 6:21 pm
Hi! Have you checked out this awesome new add-on in Sockpuppet 3.3.1? It says here that even though my rightwing client has absolutely zero ethical standards, nevertheless, “The liberal journalist will feel morally and socially compelled to follow strict fact-checking guidelines, so therefore Sockpuppet 3.3.1 recommends finding the tiniest little error imaginable, and then pretending that you, the Sockpuppet commenter, are so shocked by the tiny error that you no longer trust the rest of the story. It works on liberals every time! That’s a guarantee from the makers of Sockpuppet and SockpuppetPro!”
Okay, so here’s something I found that I will then pretend makes me question this entire article: Fact check: In Rebel Rabbit (1949) Bugs Bunny is enraged, NOT, as you claim, because the rate for shooting rabbits is $2 – but because it’s TWO CENTS!
Now, watch me as I plug the variable into Sockpuppet 3.3.1. and check this out:
“If this poor fact-checking is what passes for journalism in your view, perhaps you are lenient even about the bigger issues.”
Oh man, you are so through now! People will read this comment and be like, “Whoa, this commenter is someone I can trust because he would have totally loved this article if not for discovering that Bugs Bunny’s bounty was 2 cents! And if this commenter is like me, Joe Liberal Reader, then I too will question it.”
Wait. I just read this again. Did someone put a “retarded comment” virus in my Sockpuppet program? This can’t be right. Fuck it. I quit.
20. RanDomino | August 30th, 2011 at 7:15 pm
OT but antiwar.com is right-wing?
21. Ralph Chaplin | August 30th, 2011 at 7:53 pm
Not to knock Ames’ godlike reporting, but the Koch connection wasn’t much of a secret in the District. All those libertarian shops run on an army of interns who talk almost as much as they drink during their semester in DC. First half of their semester it’s mostly about the backbench congressman they saw that day. Awestruck with the whole Hollywood for ugly people thing. If they have any brains (and many are more naive than stupid), by the second half of the semester they are wondering why they are stuffing all these envelopes about asbestos liability and nothing addressing all the issues important to Badnarik voters. When they find out it’s because they are interning as Koch whores, they either pull some impressive cognitive dissonance jujitsu or decide to get a real piece of the action. Those not capable of jujitsu and with prospects better than 90 grand and a lifetime of bad suits as one of Koch’s K-street walkers, drink and talk the most. If their principles aren’t swallowed up by the DC swamp, plan A: lifetime of public service promoting libertarian ideals, quickly gives way to plan B: get into good B-school.
Which is why the teatards are just so pathetic. These local “activists” are taking orders from the copy-jockeys and coffee-gophers, calling them “sir”, while the interns go have a drink and a laugh in the Georgetown bars at their expense. In short, total fucking rubes. Which brings us back to Pollack. All recent behavior points to total fuckwit, but….Harvard Law? Say what you will about the upper crusty institution, but they aren’t known for matriculating fuckwits. So wtf is a Harvard Law graduate doing carrying the water for the likes of Breitbart? Will he join all the other interns in giving Capitol Hill tours to fannypack wearing tourists too? ’99 Harvard Law means he should be approaching partner and 7 figures by now. Instead, if he’s lucky, he’ll have that JC Penney suit and a K-Street corner all to himself by the time he’s 50. Does he ponder the gun every time the alumni newsletter shows up at his door?
22. Evilcor | August 30th, 2011 at 8:06 pm
Dan Higgins was real, right?
23. Nazidethpig | August 30th, 2011 at 8:12 pm
You guys are shills for Soros? I demand a refund! He’s has more money than I do! Why do I got to support Ames’ poor ass?
24. Wyse Guy | August 30th, 2011 at 8:42 pm
Hilarious!
Good work Ames.
25. Yousif | August 30th, 2011 at 9:14 pm
lmao cool
26. Flatulissimo | August 30th, 2011 at 9:35 pm
This was great, but I really laughed my ass off at the following line:
“try and minimize what a fucking god I am–I mean, this ranks up there with the 10-page Vanity Fair feature on me”
I can just imagine the impotent rage that will gripped Breitbart when he read that one.
And also, comment #4 above. “Willing to grasp his opponent firmly by the throat and dive deeper into the sewer to strangle him in a pool of filth” should be on your masthead, or fucking tombstone. Or both.
Don’t ever change, Ames. Don’t ever change.
http://youtu.be/idBKwpt3tFI
27. Lumpenproletariat | August 30th, 2011 at 9:51 pm
Oh holy shit. This gave me some great laughs. Great job Mark, you sent the Pollak thing crawling back to Innsmouth.
28. 9th District Pollak Fan! | August 30th, 2011 at 10:22 pm
Mark Ames,
You obviously don’t know the high caliber of the one-man comedy act that is Joel Pollak. He is beloved by at least six Jews and eight-and-a-half Gentiles in Chicago, maybe more, who knows?
I pity Joel Pollak for suffering the agony of failure in the easiest election in Chicago’s history. He must have had a hate-filled childhood. Or was he bullied? I gotta say, you are one awesome dude.
29. highlights | August 30th, 2011 at 10:49 pm
the commenters at biggovernment.com wish they were Mark Ames. Instead, they have to settle for Joel Pollak.
At least he’s not Meg McLain though–you know, that failed actress libertard who got busted for lying about TSA “oppression.” Compared to her, Joel Pollak can hold his head up high.
30. YES!! | August 30th, 2011 at 10:51 pm
Going mano-a-mano against Andrew Breitbart? Awesome– a juicy target that’s too vain to pretend to ignore you all. This could get really good.
I feel like that “Miracle Man Max” character in The Princess Bride, when he finally gets on board with the whole storming-the-castle plan: “Now THAT is a noble cause!”
31. HoundsOfDoom | August 30th, 2011 at 11:02 pm
You tell ’em, товарищ!
32. John Drinkwater | August 30th, 2011 at 11:10 pm
The article at Big Government is funny as hell, because you just knew that shit was going to show up in the wrong hands one day. No appreciation for irony or satire at all. And, of course, there’s a lynch mob brewing in the comments section. Someone wrote something about how Ames should face a mobile assassination squad…
33. Fluffer | August 30th, 2011 at 11:48 pm
Is it gay to suck on Koch if it’s not really your thing but you just do it for the money?
I mean, I have more of a preference for being a liberal pussy than a Koch-sucker but if the money’s good…..
34. G.L.Piggy | August 30th, 2011 at 11:53 pm
blah blah blah. it’s clear that we Koch whores are trying to pretend that you didn’t hurt us, Mark Ames, and that we Breitbots didn’t just make the mistake of turning you into an even bigger celebrity than you already are (I mean, like, how many of us ever got 10 pages in Vanity Fair, you know?)
Anyway, we’re going to talk to each other over at Whiningaboutbiggovernment.com (the .com refers to the Internet, which was invented by the same biggovernment we always whine about when we can’t take personal responsibility for our failures). We hope someone will notice our whining. Please, Mr. Ames, please take notice of us!
35. tam | August 31st, 2011 at 12:32 am
Admit it Mark, you’re genuinely getting Bugs Bunny!
And quite right too, Bugs deserves the respect…
36. helplesscase | August 31st, 2011 at 1:17 am
Read the comments section over at BigGovernment. If any of those “libertarians” were serious, they’d realize that Ames’s drug-using, womanizing ways were just the Gospel According to John Galt…oh, that’s right: “freedom” only means the “freedom to take the boat on the water, go to the country club, and oppress women and minorities w/o any meddling from smarter, more humane people.”
37. Wyse Guy | August 31st, 2011 at 1:50 am
This also makes me laugh at the “death” of Johnny Chen. Hi-larious. I also ended up watching Rebel Rabbit.
On the existence of the “deceased” Johnny Chen, wow, this Breitbart butt pirate is such a boot licking retard.
If you want to attack a man on a topic:
GO RESEARCH THAT MAN (AND HIS PURPORTED WEAKNESS, IN THIS CASE CHEN) ON YOUR OWN THEN ATTACK HIM
38. Trevor | August 31st, 2011 at 6:34 am
That guy is a little scrawny to be a Deep One. I’d peg him as a Dimensional Shambler, he’s got just the right teeth and eggplant-shaped head.
39. Gustavo Arellano | August 31st, 2011 at 6:42 am
Fuck Andrew Breitbart, straight up. FUCK ANDREW BREITBART!!!
40. Mad Props | August 31st, 2011 at 6:44 am
>not hiring actual, legit detectives
What the fuck are you, broke? Stupid?
Fucking come on. That’s your fucking thing, your place to shine. Dirty tricks are what you do.
This is some shit-tier trolling action. Ames deserves better.
41. Aaron | August 31st, 2011 at 6:48 am
They ruined America when they threw Ames out of Russia.
42. bob | August 31st, 2011 at 9:35 am
I love the picture at the top of this article, it makes breitbart look like the Kool-Aid man. Oh Yeah!
43. khamsek | August 31st, 2011 at 9:54 am
hey there i’m a breitbart troll and i’m going to pretend that i had no idea that the exile was a satirical paper, so i’m going to pretend that i’m shocked and horrified. here’s my question to you mark:
“is trey parker really eric cartman? and if so, does that mean trey parker is an antisemite?”
sure, it makes me look like a fucking idiot for saying that, but hopefully it will please my master Charles Koch. god how i love my master! his toe jam–love to me!
44. Buster Mountebank | August 31st, 2011 at 10:56 am
Ralph Chaplin rightly points out that Harvard Law does not matriculate fuckwits. They will, however happily matriculate ideological fanatics who are happy to kiss ass until they get the chance to stick the knife into their aging mentors and seize power for themselves. It’s the John Galt way, after all.
45. Matthew Saroff | August 31st, 2011 at 11:23 am
I want to know who Johnny Chen is too, because I want to party with that drunken reprobate.
46. FD | August 31st, 2011 at 11:35 am
I am trying desperately not to laugh out loud while at work. Pollak initiates the mirth himself well before Ames digs in, with that “Hey dude, are you Johnny Chen? Why don’t you hate public sector unions? E-mail me back sometime tonight, because I have a deadline!” Quite the intrepid, hard-working reporter there.
47. Jose | August 31st, 2011 at 1:54 pm
Dear Jesus, will you please strike me down with one of your of lightning bolts, please? Just rid me of my misery, you don’t know what if feels like to be a pathetic basement troll haunting The eXiled’s comment section pretending that I’m not jealous of Mark Ames’ fame. Please, God. Do you love me? Then Kill ME!
48. Kyesh | August 31st, 2011 at 2:01 pm
Whatever happened to Michael Bass?
49. Snertly | August 31st, 2011 at 3:13 pm
Congrats on your elevation!
Perhaps Mr Pollak was trying to recruit you to increase his boss’s pageviews when he asked you “why not target public-sector unions and their cozy relationship with big government[.com]?”
I always assume when Breitbart or his staff say big government what they mean is BigGovernment.com.
50. General Foods | August 31st, 2011 at 4:05 pm
Raw heroin-level pleasure on the order of the Klosterman takedown. Superb.
51. The Dude | August 31st, 2011 at 6:25 pm
Joel Pollack looks like he’s stuck on the surface of Mars, like in the movie Total Recall. Hopefully his head explodes within the the next week.
52. FuckEichmann!!! | August 31st, 2011 at 7:01 pm
Breitbart: Once you finish up that slobber job for the KochMeister, you better get my pizza here within 15 minutes flat or I will make you clean my ass with your tongue again like yesterday!!! And get rid of those stupid red bunny ear unitard!! What are you, a fucking commie leftist!?!
53. Ashcroft | August 31st, 2011 at 7:02 pm
Ames delivers the headshot once more. I’m trying to imagine the sweat over at big government as they discover their faux shock doesn’t seem to have moved you and the comments seem to have … approved? Keep it cutting away at the Kochtopus!
54. Taeshawndrix Bicksnewd Freeman, PhD | August 31st, 2011 at 7:55 pm
Lolwhat. Breitbart is a huge stick in the mud (I HEAR HE LIKES HIS STICKS IN THE MUD IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN AUGHH YEAHHHHH!!!!), but at least he doesn’t need to get homely 15 year old’s drunk to GET DAT AZZ! He just needs to visit a confessional….SMUGFACE TIMES A MILLION!
55. Aleksandr Bortnikov | September 1st, 2011 at 1:32 am
Just who exactly is Johnny Chen? Пятое управление ФСБ очень, очень долгую память, и 8х10 глянцевых фотографий! We miss you, Ames.
56. foog | September 1st, 2011 at 2:25 am
I assume you know that the shell-shocked Breitbart groping victim in that picture is none other than Riley Waggaman, formerly of wonkette.com? You’re in good company Ames.
57. A-Lex | September 1st, 2011 at 5:28 am
Just wait till Pollak teams up with Glenn Beck to investigate Vlad Kalashnikov 🙂
58. Cum | September 1st, 2011 at 6:39 am
@41
I’m pretty sure we fucked America up on our own.
Also, The Cure is one of my favorite bands, thanks for trying to ruin that Mr. Ames 🙁
Sincerely,
Gob of Cum
59. Jack Boot | September 1st, 2011 at 9:10 am
Translated from the German, “Breitbart” means “wide bear”.
Oooh; I’ll bet he is, I’ll bet he is!
@ 36 is spot-on. The Tealiban don’t wish to abolish Big Gov’t; merely to redirect it against Sinners.
You know, the usual suspects: “If we crack down real hard on alla them abortionists, stem-cell Frankensteins, pre-verts, dope fiends, Darwinists & assisted-suiciders, Gawd’ll forgive us our debts!”
60. Wiliam Davis | September 1st, 2011 at 9:48 am
Still……laughing…….can’t………stop………
61. hon kee mufo | September 1st, 2011 at 2:43 pm
I enjoyed the part where he gleefully imagined the possiblity that Rattigan would get hit with an FCC fine–not just for the hypocrasy, but because THE FCC HAS NO POWER OVER CABLE TV. That’s Journalism 101 stuff–literally, at the school I went to.
62. darthfader | September 1st, 2011 at 4:23 pm
Ames invented the game that Breitbart plays badly.
Did any one of these idiots stop to think what it would mean to try to blackmail someone who wrote the book on speed and sin – with the contents of that book?
63. Fakey Wakey | September 1st, 2011 at 4:29 pm
Hey, Mark, just wanted to let you know that according to the loathsome community at BigGovernment, you’re officially a player in the “mainstream media”. Please let us know how you intend to spend your millions.
64. darthfader | September 1st, 2011 at 5:52 pm
Any chanese on here should set up a campaign to bomb MSNBC with pro Mark Ames a ganda. Catfish?
65. Charlie | September 1st, 2011 at 6:17 pm
Is this site new? It’s fucking awesome, thanks for making Joel B. Pollak look like a complete ass. I normally wouldn’t have the guts to say that out loud, since I actually troll for the Kochs, but between us, I wish I had the balls to be The eXiled, rather than having the Kochs balls in my teabagged mouth.
66. Smacked | September 1st, 2011 at 7:22 pm
Joel Pollak wrote an unintentionally hilarious article showing just what an awesome gonzo journalist Ames is. “Oops, by handing credit for breaking the Koch story to Ames, we just made him famous! Damn youuuuu Mark Ames, stymied again!”
I recommend everyone here go laugh at Joel B. Pollak for getting his ass kicked in the election. There’s really no possible rebuttal than “DEFEATED BY A PELOSI LIBERAL.”
Oh, and thank you for improving my comment, Mighty Exile Censor, when you spend your life with your nose up Charles Kochs’ ass, you kind of forget how to compose a proper comment.
67. Carolyn | September 1st, 2011 at 8:59 pm
I love you.
68. Ivan | September 1st, 2011 at 9:21 pm
Errrr, why do all people in this pictures look really weird, like they are from mental clinic.
Joel B. Pollak: From Harvard Law ’99 picture looks REALLY CREEPY.
69. ArtificerSerges | September 2nd, 2011 at 12:46 am
Excellence. You’ve got my subscription; hope it helps keep up the fight.
70. Tyler | September 2nd, 2011 at 12:14 pm
A few days have passed and I am still blood thirsty. Please skull fuck this Pallock clown. Clearly he is hoping to ride your coat tails to fame, but maybe, you can ride Breitnarts as well. I want to see you big league, spitting in John Stewarts smirkiness and crapping in oreillys indignation.
Onward Christian soldier.
71. Ilona | September 2nd, 2011 at 2:26 pm
Yes, yes. The old Johnny Chen ploy. I know, I know…
“…plankton… A sea sponge?… Fetch, boy!”
Ha!
This piece of investigating journalism restored my believe in all forms of humanity. Supreme domination and excellence!
A total penis touchdown!
72. Victorvalley Villain | September 2nd, 2011 at 5:23 pm
Watch out eXiled, Pollak has caught on that you sometimes edit the comments!
“We were able to establish, through the use of a proxy, that he edits comments to distort their meaning.”
They used a fucking proxy to figure this out! They must have hackers and shit!
Can anyone explain what the fuck using a proxy has to do with anything? lulz.
73. Ilona | September 2nd, 2011 at 6:53 pm
@ 72.
Oh no!
Your comment made my vagina bleed. Really bad. All moist and naughty stuff. Oh, please, please! Don’t hurt me this way!
Do you want my vagina bleed all the juicy juices all over the place? For Bollock? Really? That’s pretty evil.
Oh, please Mr. Ames! Can you make all my hurting h-u-r-t go away.
Please.
74. pat | September 3rd, 2011 at 8:05 am
This question kills me….
“You’ve targeted “oligarchs,” in the U.S. and in Russia–why not target public-sector unions and their cozy relationship with big government?”
Hmmm, public sector unions work under the ultimate control of politicians….typically corrupt politicians. And these right-wing morans want to complain about their ability to deal with them on a collective-basis by being unionized? Last time I checked, the teachers, cops, firefighters, snow plow drivers and garbage collectors did not create the mess we are in. The right-wingers targeting of them is nothing but trying to deflect the blame and is quite sickening.
75. darthfader | September 3rd, 2011 at 4:53 pm
What a scoop Joel has on his hands!
Joel, you’re a muckraker extraordinaire! Tell me how this crazy scheme works. You mean that the many comments, on nearly every story here, where the comment is about how the person posting it is a weeping loser libertarian and Mark Ames is Supergod – you mean that DOESN’T always represent a community of out-and-proud masochist cultists who flock to the eXile like James O’Keefe to a Pokemon tournament?
Joel, you have to tell me how this “proxy” business works, because I think you could blow the lid off of journalism with this kind of scoop.
76. jim | September 3rd, 2011 at 8:46 pm
Congratulations on being officially hated by The Man Without A Soul.
Next on biggovernment,com: Shocking Al-Qaeda Ties To Waldo!
77. vortexgods | September 4th, 2011 at 8:05 am
“Errrr, why do all people in this pictures look really weird, like they are from mental clinic.”
Sometimes, because of their great investigative reporting and incisive commentary that the Exiled does, we miss the little things that they do.
Like the way they point out that most people on the Modern American Right are so degenerate that it corrupts and perverts their very flesh, so they end up looking like a Dick Tracy villain. It’s as if the very degeneracy of the Modern American Right wing mind infests the Right winger’s very body with a pestilence that turns them into subhuman creatures.
Now, my personal opinion is that this is not what is happening, but that Modern America Right wing thought naturally attracts freak jobs and weirdos. People who are only capable of succeeding by embracing an ideology that is as freakish and defective as they themselves are.
Oh well, hopefully someday we will be able to establish the truth with vivisection, after this perverted ideology has been purged from all positions of power.
78. One-eyed Jesus muffin | September 4th, 2011 at 11:52 am
Johnny Chen? He dated Peyton Manning’s younger brother in high school.
79. Strelnikov | September 5th, 2011 at 4:01 am
Breitbart was a friggin’ gossip columnist before he got it into his vast fat head that there are bucks in political blogging….problem is, you have to read between the lines and understand subtlety to do political writing, which is why Andy sucks so bad at what he does. That and his brain never truly developed, so he is a high-functioning retard. His googly-eyed friend and the fake pimp before him do not create any confidence.
We would be better off shooting Andy at the Moon.
80. Brian | September 5th, 2011 at 4:30 pm
Point the Fifth: You’ve targeted oligarchs. Why not take on public employee unions?
As I am on deadline, I’d appreciate a response this evening.
LOL! Lamest goon work ever!
81. Hamsterfist | September 5th, 2011 at 5:31 pm
I wish you could post quality shit like this daily.
82. Hamsterfist | September 5th, 2011 at 5:36 pm
Also, will you please just make up with Taibbi and convince him to stop just copy/pasting his articles from other sources? You should take great satisfaction with the fact he was ‘once’ to better writer, but you have superseded him. Sure, sometimes your stories contain grammar errors, but no one can blame you of being lazy, like the once great Taibbi. Bring him back in the reigns, and help him blossom again. (I am not sure this is the write place to post this, but I feel there is an off chance you might see this.) eXiled continues to dominate and be an inspiration. Thank you Mark!
83. Guy From IL | September 6th, 2011 at 5:19 pm
A couple of things:
1) Schakowsky’s district is very, very, liberal.
2) Schakowsky’s voting record is actually quite pro-Israel.
Pollack might’ve won if he hadn’t wasted so much time talking about Israel, but it was a badly run campaign against a popular incumbent in a heavily Democrat district.
84. Ro | September 9th, 2011 at 10:46 am
You had me laughing the whole column. Congratulations on your promotion to uber-significante.
I almost feel bad for this Joel kid. It’s like they used to say back in the day. “There’s a face for radio”. Then I remember what he’s fighting for and I don’t feel sorry for him at all.
85. mad props | September 19th, 2011 at 2:30 pm
dont fucking talk shit about pokemon darthfader
86. greg critser | January 1st, 2012 at 11:55 am
Has anyone looked into Brietbart’s years in high school and college and whether he engaged in any unlawful, unethical or immoral actions in against women?
HAVE YOU?
87. Dick Handsome | March 1st, 2012 at 9:56 am
This article was a pretty effective take-down on Breitbart, but nowhere near as effective as a poorly maintained sidewalk.
88. DerDer | March 1st, 2012 at 10:28 am
and now he is dead.
89. vortexgods | March 1st, 2012 at 10:31 am
😀
90. DeeboCools | March 1st, 2012 at 12:03 pm
taking a walk in Hell-A at midnight? I suspect opiate pharmaceutical/codeine abuse personally, it’s the drug of choice for self-described “conservatives” often
91. Hamsterfist | March 1st, 2012 at 1:00 pm
Mwahahahaha!
92. Futhorc? | March 1st, 2012 at 3:21 pm
Was there any santorum in the crack he stepped into?
93. nop | March 2nd, 2012 at 9:34 am
Alan Dershowitz never went to harvard, just camped out there for 40 years instead (dont ask why i knew this)
94. Jethro Troll | March 30th, 2012 at 12:31 am
Hey Futhorc? – i think you mean the Crack™ that stepped into him
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