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The Daily Inquisition / September 26, 2008


Today’s Defendant: Bugs Bunny

Statement of the Grand Inquisitor: In seeking an example of sterling virtue worthy of canonization, one name clearly shines out above the rest: Bugs Bunny. In this humble rabbit we see the spirit of a god.

Living a life of quiet contemplation, generally in a hole in the ground, Bugs Bunny subsisted almost entirely on raw carrots, to which he would sing hymns of praise: “O carrots are divine, you get a dozen for a dime, it’s maaaaagic…” However, he was sorely beset by infidels. The bloodstained hunter Elmer Fudd, for example, would frequently shove his double-barreled shotgun down the hole and fire randomly, causing Bugs Bunny to come up, lean on the gun barrel, and say with a quiet dignity which became him well, “Ehhhh, what’s up, Doc?”

That patient query is a lesson for us all. So should we pause to say “Ehhhh, what’s up, Doc?” when harried by blasphemers of all sorts.

But Fudd was not the only persecutor of this divine rabbit. Far more insidious was a creature of darkness named Daffy Duck who would attempt to draw Bugs Bunny from the true path. Why? “’Cause I’m a greeeeeeeeedy little duck,” the demonic charmer would say before suddenly racing away, bouncing off of various surfaces to show his occult powers while shouting, “Whoo hoo! Whoo hoo!”

In addition to these, a legion of evil minions harassed the quiet grey hare, including the fiery Yosemite Sam, the slobbering Tasmanian Devil, and a giant construction worker who attempted to fill in Bugs Bunny’s hole with cement. In each case, after enduring a siege of unprovoked physical aggression, Bugs Bunny would find in him the soul of Odin by declaring—sometimes while flying through the air with a trail of stars emerging from his injured posterior—“Of course, you know this means war.”

It is the greatest of all virtues to know precisely when “this means war” and then go to war with every fiber of one’s being. Bugs Bunny always engaged the enemy remorselessly and with an expression of fixed calm until he could clearly see a small, tattered white flag waving above the pile of wreckage or the blackened grease spot that was all that was left of the infidel. Glory unto this rabbit!

Statement of Objection: Bugs Bunny is a mid-20th century cartoon character.

Verdict: He is a mammal and a brother, amen. Canonize immediately. In fact, use that cannon from the Warner Brothers cartoons to do it. That one Yosemite Sam got shot out of that time. He’ll like that.

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