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The Daily Inquisition / November 4, 2008

Today’s Defendant: Twitter Twats

Statement of the Grand Inquisitor: When you join Twitter you become able to communicate in short bursts of information with many people from your mobile phone or computer. Your phone becomes a vibrating message-whore, hemorrhaging useless torpor-inducing updates from people you already know too much about. The other day, the U.S. Army voiced concern that the technology could be used to help terrorists organize. It could be considered a legitimate concern until you sign up and start getting a flood of annoying Twitter messages from its founder, Evan. This plucky dude posts at least fourteen times a day describing how he’s eaten many veggie burgers or how starting a business is hard and that he is a nervous little bitch. Can anyone live like this? Once you’ve been a member for a day you are almost certainly going to take the time to learn how to ‘manage’ your ‘user preferences’ and delete him and his banal, uninspiring life. If you think this gives you freedom and that your exciting new connectivity will begin to wow and comfort you as you go through your so-boring-you-must-use-twitter life, you are wrong. Wait until you are enlightened by what regular douches your friends are when they’re not drunk. It is soul crushing. We are not meant to know this much about our acquaintances – in fact many of us work very hard to trim down our social life so that we can avoid these useless personal updates from people who we don’t know why we need to know. Its like being chained to a virtual water cooler and having to force feed on the inconsequential mental ramblings of every slob that happens by. If you want to prove beyond a reasonable doubt that the people around lead lives as dull and pointless as yours, Twitter is the social networking product for you. As for terrorists, well, we’ll leave that for the judge.

Statement of the Defense: No objection, your honor. We agree, all Twitter Twats must suffer.

Verdict: Suffering is not the answer, as it will give substance for more and more twitters. Snuffing is the only option. But Twitter is a harbinger of the times; exterminating the messenger is not enough. We must exterminate it root, earth, worms and all. That is why we can only pray to the almighty God of our turban-wearing friends that this technology will help them, and soon! Let all the first-born sons, brothers, step-moms and anyone with blood or legal relation to those who have been sucked into the anal-vaccum of meaningless that is Twitter be blown up by decentralized, Twitter coordinated terror attacks. Let that act be repeated over and over, until the earth has melted and cooled into a layer glass reflecting the perfect beauty of the heavens above! O, hallelujah! The day of reckoning is nigh!

The eXiled thanks Corey Williams for his contribution to our Inquisition efforts.

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