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eXile Classic / March 5, 2010

Issue #284

This article was first published in The eXile on March 6, 2008.

In this post-Russian presidential election issue, while the righteous American editorialists wag their fingers at Russia’s farcical elections, we want to hold up a giant mirror (with loudspeaker attached) across the Atlantic and scream what every sane American has been thinking for nearly a decade now: We’re Embarrassed To Be Americans.

Don’t get us wrong. We’re ashamed not just because America is hypocritical or imperialistic or militaristic or bloodthirsty. Would that we were! If only it were still true, we’d shut our mouths and strut around the world, seizing our rightful booty the way booty-seeking citizens of “the most powerful empire in mankind’s history” (to use one neocon’s description in 2002) oughtta do.

It’s not that America is so evil and bloodthirsty, though it tries hard to be… it’s that America has become the world’s laughingstock, a flash-in-the-pan hyperpower, the Sigue Sigue Sputnik of empires, the Charles Bovary of Great Civilizations. The Bush years have made us so embarrassed to be Americans that even the shameful Carter Years look downright Roman by comparison.

We can already hear you hicks whining, “If yer so darned ashamed of bein’ Amer’can, whyn’tchoo just tern in yer passport then, yuh darned traitor.”

To which we reply, “Nope, we’re gonna keep our passports. We like the idea of wiping our asses on our passports, while at the same time enjoying all of the advantages that U.S. citizenship still affords us, few though they may be.” Nothing gives us more pleasure than hearing you pigs squeal “git the fugg outta my cuntree” cuz the thing is, we are out of your cuntree, and the other thing is, we’ll come back when we damn well feel like it, thanks to our passports, just because we wanna watch you idiots grow giant swarming ulcers at the sight of our ungrateful asses.

american-dream-upload

So folks—since Americans are all “folks” these days—hold on to your beta-blockers and your ACE inhibitors, because you’re about to face the unpleasant reality of Why You Should Be Ashamed Of Being American Too:

  1. Canadian dollar surpasses greenbackThose silly Canadians, remember how Americans used to laugh at them? How cute they looked when they’d resentfully mumble to visiting American tourists, “we’re American, too—you don’t own the name of our continent!” We did own it, though, which is why they were so cute, why they were so funny in all those South Park jokes. Canada was an almost-nation of almost-Americans with an almost currency called a “Canadian dollar,” which was cute, and always worth about 50 American cents. Then, on September 20, 2007, a day that will live in shamefamy, the Canadian dollar passed up the U.S. dollar. People from the United States officially lost their right to call themselves “Americans.” Now when we visit Canada we just say, “We’re from south of the border”—if we can afford to visit Canada, that is.Shame Factor:
    Shame Factor Shame Factor Shame Factor Shame Factor
  2. Baptist birthrate. According to recent stats, the U.S. birthrate is rising, and it’s rising fastest among Baptists and Mormons. It’s actually falling for Asians, the most promising demographic. But the dumbest, ugliest, meanest hicks on the planet are breeding like walking catfish, wriggling to new townhouse developments in the nastiest parts of the country like Nevada and Florida. We’ll end with Vegas and Fort Lauderdale shaking hands over the corpse of the last decent American, the pounding of the Tin Spike into the American cadaver.Jimmy Swaggert Factor:
    Swaggert Factor Swaggert Factor Swaggert Factor Swaggert Factor
  3. Fat is the new normal. Last year a Newsweek cover story asked the question, “Is Fat the New Normal?” At least the Nazi’s truth-inversions had a poetic evil about them. America’s truth inversions are just plain depressing. You people are gross, man.John Reed Factor. The fattists are reason enough to defect to Russia and glorify the “stability revolution,” which to us means, “A country where ‘thin’ is still ‘in.’”
  4. The Iran War Puss-Out. No country has fucked with America more brazenly than Iran has. They took dozens of American hostages in 1979, funded Hezbollah’s suicide bombing that killed 241 Marines, and now kill American soldiers in Iraq. The whole point of invading Iraq was to put Iran in a vise. But guess what? America doesn’t have enough military power to attack anymore. So we issued a National Intelligence Report saying Iran isn’t really such a big threat… Just like when Kim Jong Il set off his nukes and fired his missiles, we also pretended it was really not such a big deal. What we really said was, “White flag a-risin’!” Yup, “the world’s only superpower” is too weak, too broke, and too afraid to go to war against a primitive third-rate enemy that literally lives in the Dark Ages. The war against the Axis of Evil is over: two bullshit countries caused America to flinch and scream “Uncle!” without ever having to fire a shot.Adam Gadhan Factor: Real Americans like winners, which is why we’re growing out our beards and practicing our Farsi…
    Adam Gadhan Factor Adam Gadhan Factor Adam Gadhan Factor Adam Gadhan Factor
  5. Losing two wars at once. “Vietnam Syndrome” meant one thing: America suffered its first and only defeat in its 200-year history, and it didn’t know how to deal or what it meant. Then in the 90s, America got its George Foreman on, headed back into the war ring, and racked up some wins against, admittedly, a bunch of second-stringers. Enter the 21st-century, a new season, and America is heading into the final rounds of two concurrent defeats, against the two most laughable opponents on planet earth! We’re now the basement team, the doormat of the war league, the Glass Jawed white giant whose only purpose is to launch the careers of new up-and-comers! At least Germany’s 0-2 record came against worthy enemies… But to lose to Iraq and Afghanistan? With America pussing out of another two wars against Iran and North Korea, which we’ve all but forfeited with a default, our loss record is on the verge of a 0-4. We need to double-paper bag our heads over this one.Jane Fonda Factor: Our inner Hanoi Jane says, “Show us a fearsome Taliban mule that we can sit on for the Al Jazeera cameras, and we’ll be there with bells on!”
    Fonda Factor Fonda Factor Fonda Factor Fonda Factor
  6. Wes Anderson. No one should trigger a healthy nation’s gag reflex as often or as intensely as quirky-moment-machine Wes Anderson. For years we’ve fantasized about the ultimate slo-mo outro to a documentary called Wes Anderson & The Life Arctic: Anderson is placed on a small dinghy with the Wilson brothers (all three of ‘em) and Angelica Huston, then slowly descended from a pastel-colored Finnish ice-breaker. Just as the tears appear in Anderson’s horrified, frost-encrusted eyes, Abba’s “So Long” kicks in, drowning the group’s slow-motion screams for mercy. Anderson went from ass-clown status to the he-must-die list with 2007′s Darjeeling Limited, a vapid film even by his standards that doubled as an effortless insult to India. It’s the film equivalent of a frat boy carving his initials in the Taj Mahal. Anderson had the gall to dedicate the film to Satyajit Ray, who would have spat in Anderson’s face had he lived to enjoy the honor.Bernadine Dohrne Factor: Bring the War Home to Hollywood
    Bernadine Factor
  7. Populism. This is what America does in lieu of actually helping ordinary fuckin’ people: hugs on camera. No cash, but all the hugs you can eat, you lovable fat suckers. From the spread of fake Texas dialect like “you folks” to the comedy of plutocrats defending the middle class on TV while earning sums that the middle class can’t even fathom, populist sentimentality is the all-purpose lubricant, the WD-40, of winner-take-all capitalism. Engels’ remark that anti-Semitism is “the socialism of fools” needs to be updated to apply to American populist sentimentality. A million foreclosures and one televised barn-raising, aka Extreme Makeover, for the most pathetic telegenic family of losers the producers auditioned. There’s a bitter old saying, “They’d cut your head and give you a bandage.” That’s us, baby!Shame Factor:
    Shame Factor Shame Factor Shame Factor Shame Factor Shame Factor
  8. Seth McFarlane. It isn’t just that McFarlane’s Family Guy shamelessly plagiarizes from The Simpsons, nor is it just the endless cheap references to bad pop culture icons. Family Guy is much worse and much more evil than that: an anti-Simpsons antidote for zombies who want to get rid of the annoying buzz of vestigial decency in their rotting heads. They want that decency removed, and Family Guy does it non-stop, scene by scene, undoing the unwanted education all those Simpson episodes forced down their throats with a spoonful of sugar. McFarlane’s show reinforces their meanest, dumbest instincts. And it’s a huge hit.Nicholas Berg Factor: We would seriously consider converting to Islam if someone would slowly saw McFarlane’s head off while forcing him to sing the theme song to “Three’s Company,” complete with laugh track.
    Berg Factor
  9. Dodge/Chrysler. This company is like the android morph of the millions of fat dumb hick boys infesting America. Like them, it needed special help just to continue its bloated, destructive life. Chrysler has been on welfare since buyers noticed they could actually buy a decent car at a decent price by going Japanese. But instead of getting in shape and actually trying to produce decent cars, Chrysler bet everything it had that Americans are so utterly stupid and childish that they’d come back for huge shiny junkers that would look cool for a few thousand miles, then fall apart. And they were right. Seeing a pattern here?Shame Factor:
    Shame Factor Shame Factor Shame Factor Shame Factor
  10. Lame assassins. You hear a lot of stupid things these days. Take, for example, the truism that “Assassination doesn’t work.” Bullshit. It worked so well nobody even remembers. Un-kill Bobby Kennedy, and America’s entire history changes. Except you can’t un-kill people. All you can do is kill some of the monsters. It’s not that hard to do. Two bullets in the chest, one in the head, and Nixon will die, Attila the Hun will die, any damn human will die. The only problem is that all our assassins are idiots. The Unabomber came close; if he’d only killed more timber company lobbyists and left the useless professors to their dull fates, he’d have been a true hero. Will no one rid us of these lice? Is there a single Leftist with balls in this country?Sara Jane Moore Factor: The patron saint of inept assassins, Sara Jane Moore paved the way for slapstick morons like John Hinckley and a host of suicide-light-plane divers.
    Moore Factor Moore Factor Moore Factor Moore Factor
  11. The Loss of Latin America. So who’s the idiot that forgot to pay off the Palace Guards in Caracas in 2002? America is so inept that we can’t even pull off a coup in what FDR called “our little neighborhood down there.” Yeah, we managed to get Aristide out of there without breaking a sweat, but Haiti doesn’t count. It’s been our practice field for a century now, where we warmed up for the real coups. Ike and the Dulles brothers used to knock off Iranian and Central American regimes over slices of morning cantaloupe. Just eight years ago, the entire hemisphere save one pesky island was America’s to squeeze, and squeeze we did, while they begged for IMF handouts that only pulled them deeper into serfdom on our manor. Then Bush came to power and launched the most inept coup in American history against Chavez. And now all of Latin America has turned into a bunch of Castro-loving fags, welching on our IMF loans, and even inviting Ahmadinejad over for siestas and nationalization ceremonies. The title of a recent McClatchy article says it all: “Farewell to the Monroe Doctrine?” They might as well drop the question mark and fess up. There went the neighborhood a long time ago.Jimmy Carter Factor:
    Carter Factor Carter Factor Carter Factor Carter Factor
  12. Addiction Memoirs. No literary genre is more degraded and mawkish than the rehab memoir. No surprise then that no genre is more popular in today’s American than the rehab memoir. It’s a very reactionary, unimaginative genre in the contemporary American version, focusing on the big three crosses: drugs, drink and divorce. The only thing more idiotic than these rehab memoirs are the gullible idiots who buy them, as witnessed by the con jobs that half-assed hucksters like “JT LeRoy” and James Frey pulled off. Why are these books so popular? Simple: everyone wants to be a victim these days. Especially white middle-class urbanites. By becoming a drunk or an addict, you can become a temporary victim. If you’ve got a “sexual abuse” tale to throw in, then you’ve hit the victim jackpot—which is why all these rehab memoirs have to have a sex abuse episode. If you’re really clever, you can use your connections to get the thing published. If you don’t have connections but you want to sob with someone who supposedly understands your pain, then curl up with an Augusten Burroughs or David Sheff or some other wealthy well-connected pig, and let the sobbing flow.Jimmy Carters Factor:
    Carter Factor Carter Factor Carter Factor Carter Factor
  13. Ellen! Look, ladies! It’s wacky, upbeat, afternoon Ellen, the human Wellbutrin XL. There she is on the counter-mounted kitchen tv, dressed in Florida hospice colors, pushing her audience to applaud for musicians—not because of their music, but because they have cancer! And there she is making Barack Obama dance to James Brown on national tv—twice! And Ellen’s dancing too! She’s so wacky and happy! And cancer-free! Unlike her guests, speaking of whom, give them another round! … Ellen Degeneres sucked as a second-rate comedian doing routines about “What If God Was a Woman?” Now she’s reinvented herself as a third-rate Oprah, a human plague on the body televique, with no cure in sight.

    Patty Hearst Factor:

    Patty Factor Patty Factor Patty Factor Patty Factor
  14. Benizir Bhutto-philia. She wasn’t Musharraf; she was a chic-dressed, porcelain-complexioned go-getter woman in a land teeming with wife-stoning darkies, and she spoke pro-American gibberish with an aristocratic Brit accent. She went to Oxford, and so does her son. To contemporary America, this means she must be Ghandi with tits, Mandela in a salwar kameez. So we encouraged her to return to take back Pakistan and rid it of all the dark-skinned non-English-speaking terrorists. We told her that we had back-side covered, and sent her off to Karachi where she got murdered faster than you can say “Mission Accomplished.” Bad for American geopolitics (but could they get worse?); however, great for Bhutto’s Gandhi-creds, creating a mini-Diana media boomlet that sent Bhutto’s quickie autobiography into the bestseller charts. It took a cool and collected Brit, William Dalrymple, to disturb the cocktail party with a Times op-ed that reminded mourners of Benizir’s very un-Gandhi-like death squads, her longtime role as Pakistan’s Jihadi paymaster, and her crushing of any opposition to her rule.

    Angelina Jolie Factor: Four adopted dark kids. Jolie’s a shoe-in to play Bhutto in the upcoming biopic. While filming, Jolie will also adopt a Pakistani orphan, and name him “Benizira.”

    Angelina Jolie Factor
  15. CNN is “liberal.” American news has become so shamelessly propagandistic and idiotic that today, a blatant White House propaganda tool like CNN is considered “liberal” simply because it’s gotten a wee bit squeamish over the whole Iraq debacle, as compared to FOX, which, like the gang in Hitler’s bunker, is still issuing cheerful dispatches about inevitable victory in Iraq. Then there’s Lou Dobbs, the guy with the freakish child molester face who transformed himself from neoliberal “New Economy” tool into a sleazy Mexican-bashing rat. This is what passes for a “liberal media” in the United Embarrassment of America.

    Susan Sarandon’s Breasts Factor: We suckle the anti-American milk out of 3 of Sarandon’s breasts as an antidote to CNN’s toxins.

    Breasts Factor Breasts Factor Breasts Factor
  16. Low-ball American Corruption. In Russia, if you want to buy a vote, you’ve got to pay a Duma politician about a million bucks. In America, if you want a Congressman to legislate a $5 billion tax break for your company, all you have to do is fly him to a golf course in some damp shithole like Scotland, and those $5 billion tax payer dollars are yours.

    Shame Factor:

    Shame Factor Shame Factor Shame Factor Shame Factor
  17. Trendy pseudo-hyper-self-consciousness. How many times have you heard an American use this preface: “I know it’s a cliche to say this. And I know it’s a cliche to say that it’s a cliche to say this… but [ENTER CLICHE HERE].” Translated: “I know I am a waste of this planet’s limited oxygen supply, but I’m going to suck in a few more lungfulls of your precious air than usual in order to lull you into a false sense of hope before I expel a lethal cloud of hokey idiocies, flooring you once again.”

    Adam Gadhan Factor: There’s only one way to shut up a pseudo-self-conscious reference-dropping David Eggers type, and that’s to cut off their preface with a big loud “Allahu Akhbar!”

    Adam Gadhan Factor
  18. The Ongoing Insane Southwest Building Boom. Exactly how many more years of extended drought and water/electricity shortages do Americans need before they stop building in the doomed Southwest? 14? 27? Will it take total Civilizational collapse like the kind Jim Kunstler sees right around the corner from the latest Scottsville condo project? The Dust Bowl is the new normal; the Colorado River is shrinking. Already states are fighting each other in court for access to dwindling water supplies, mirroring intra-state conflicts between agriculture and the cities. But still they keep building air-conditioned houses with lawns, even though the grids are already snapping during 110+ degree nights, killing all the old people who keep retiring there like it’s 1966. The slow death of golf won’t come soon enough to save the desert states. Vegas will make one hell of a ruin.

    Shame Factor: A plague of knit-capped hippies on all of you swine!

    Shame Factor Shame Factor
  19. World’s Largest Prison Population. The dollar may be crashing below even joke currencies like the Kazakh tenge, but when it comes to jailing our poor, we’re still #1 with a bullet. More than two and a quarter million Americans—one out of every 100—are doing some form of time. Yup, when it comes to putting our citizens in prison, we kick the authoritarian crap out of repression stars like Russia and China. The U.S. also is riding high in the state-murder competition saddle, lagging only behind Pakistan, Sudan, China, and a few other beacons of liberty in the capital punishment competition. But hey, it’s working! Americans don’t kill each other in Wendy’s restaurants or college campuses anymore, no siree! Welcome to the United States of Visiting Hours. Please keep your hands away from the plexiglass.

    Shame Factor Shame Factor Shame Factor
  20. Third World-like Political Nepotism. Bullshit countries with bullshit currencies elect wives and sons to run their countries simply because the population hasn’t developed beyond medieval monarchy thinking. The Philippines elected the widowed wife of a slain democracy leader. Argentina elected the wife of a former president (and hailed the wife of a former dictator). America came late to the “we’re medieval-brained morons and we’re proud of it!” parade, starting in 2000, when America annointed the recessive-gene-damaged son of a failed one-term president into the White House. It was so great that he was reelected, while in Congress, at least 18 senators, dozens of House members and several administration officials were family legacies, leading the Washington Post to declare that the US government “resembles the court of Louis XIV without the powdered wigs.” This year, Americans are working on electing the wife of the president before the recessive-gene son. She may fail, but Americans are a hard-working lot, so don’t be surprised if by 2020 America finally catches up to the Philippines and Argentina and other third-world shitholes by electing the first ex-leader’s wife to lead them

    Michelle Obama Factor: Three and a half. Fox and CNN should be forced to loop 2 weeks straight of Michelle Obama’s “for the first time in my life I was proud to be an American” speech into every American’s living room.

    Obama Factor

    BONUS
    EMBARRASSMENTS!

  21. William Kristol. We’re not sure what we’re most ashamed of: the systemic nepotism responsible for the retardocon’s success; the major newspaper that recently hired him in the alleged spirit of “balance”; or the small amount of pleasure we derive from reading his atrocious prose and lame-ass attempts at “high” cultured diction to Manhattan-up his hard-hitting conservatism? Kristol’s last Times column saw him take a break from massaging John McCain’s nipples to gently stroke the fresh corpse of William F. Buckley. After plugging his prep school in the first line (Collegiate, 1970) Kristol falls back on the use of Latin phrases and Victorian poets to escape from his troubles with English and sound better educated than he is. How ashamed does it make us that moron like Kristol is taken seriously? Put it this way: he makes us appreciate the wit and genius of William Safire.

    Alan Berg Factor: Three shots ring out in the capitol’s cool dark night.

    Alan Berg Factor
  22. American women’s voices. The anchor-lady monotone all American women have spent the last 20 years perfecting, so that all American women, no matter what they’re saying, sound like they’re reading the 10 p.m. newscast at a Midwestern midsize TV station summing up the day’s stock market activity. Is there any other nation on earth infested with 150 million women who talk like transvestites with back hair?

    Shame Factor:

    Shame Factor Shame Factor Shame Factor Shame Factor
  23. Paul Thomas Anderson.

    The other Anderson in the “Axis of Hackdom,” Paul 3-Names wowed the Beigeocracy by–get this–holding extra-long shots on his actors as they have internal moments. Yup, in a country gone totally stupid, all you gotta do is walk out of the edit room for 10 minutes, and suddenly Rolling Stone stands and cheers your “rule-busting experimentation” while Roger Ebert creams that PTA’s film is a, “A force beyond categories.” Of course, Ebert also raved about Anderson’s Punch Drunk Love, “[Adam] Sandler, liberated from the constraints of formula, reveals unexpected depths as an actor. Watching this film, you can imagine him in Dennis Hopper roles. He has darkness, obsession and power.”

    Jimmy Carter Factor:

    Carter Factor Carter Factor Carter Factor Carter Factor
  24. The War on Drugs. The shame here is mitigated only slightly by the fact that public support is finally crumbling for the Prohibition gravy train. But you can still see anti-pot ads on American television cut from the same hemp cloth as the original Reefer Madness campaign that made shitty Mexican weed the gateway to Negro jazz musicians bending America’s innocent daughters over a snare drum. The funny-sad thing is these ads are crammed between plugs for pharmaceutical drugs featuring animated butterflies and permanent sunsets on the beach. If the Office of National Drug Control Policy had a gram for every lie it ever told to justify WoD budgets, they’d make the Medellin cartel look like the BookMobile.

    Shame Factor:

    Shame Factor Shame Factor Shame Factor Shame Factor
  25. America’s “Post-Racist” Delusion. Barak Obama may have a lot of detractors both among Republicans and Democrats, but if there’s one thing all Americans can agree on, it’s that Obama’s rise to political stardom means that Americans are no longer racist. Yeah, right, and Uzbek jet pilots might fly out of our butts. When one of America’s most painful issues, its racist history, is allegedly solved because white people vote for a moderate-conservative Wall Street black guy with male-magazine looks and a CNN voice which utters words carefully steering away from anything about the whole race issue that might upset people–in other words, every white American’s Dream Negro–then all we can say is, like the midget lady in Poltergeist, “This house is clean.” CUT TO: thunder, lightening, and suddenly the earth shakes as hundreds of millions of ghosts rise from the Red States, shocking pollsters, who were sure Obama was going to win!

    Howard Zinn Factor:

    Zinn Factor Zinn Factor Zinn Factor

This article was first published in The eXile on March 6, 2008.

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41 Comments

Add your own

  • 1. FrankMcG  |  March 5th, 2010 at 1:24 pm

    Ya know, whenever I hear American ex-pats (ESPECIALLY ex-pats who move to eastern Europe and Asia) go on about how horrible American women are, all I hear is “I cannot get near a woman unless she is a destitute and desperate third worlder.”

  • 2. andrew  |  March 5th, 2010 at 6:50 pm

    frank must have an american daughter. sorry your feelings got hurt, frank. truth hurts.

  • 3. Harry Ballsach  |  March 5th, 2010 at 8:59 pm

    Yes but Amurrikuh is chubby-chaser Heaven

  • 4. Boris Nemtsov  |  March 5th, 2010 at 10:10 pm

    What’s the matter, Frank McG? Your daughter is now too fat to fuck? Lots of good looking dyevs in Rostov na Donu. Far better and friendlier than what you’d find in Moscow.

  • 5. FrankMcG  |  March 6th, 2010 at 11:50 am

    and there they are. Couldn’t have asked for a better example of “American women are no good” trash. Keep it up, fellas.

  • 6. BlottoBonVismarck  |  March 6th, 2010 at 4:18 pm

    THE FASCIST RIGHT

    Can’t comment on these excellent What you Should Know items – but the hypocrisy and self-hatred of the fascist right certainly counts as the twenty-first gag-inducing reason to be ashamed to be American.

    You and Alexander Cockburn of Counterpunch both point out that Lush Rimbaugh — ultra-right-wing, foaming-at-the-mouth-blowhard and Margaret-Thatcher-man-in-(lederhosen?)-tights-’leaderene’-of -the-GOP is not afraid of his inner feminine half. In fact, she appears to have done his remarkably ugly decorating.

    WHY are so many on the right wing closeted, self-and-other-minorities-hating fascists? From ‘wide-stance’ ex-Senator Larry Craig (R-Idaho) to ‘boy toy’ Homererotic (Spelling? Ed.) Roy Ashburn of Bakersfield. Never mind the Torture Party’s own Goebbels – Rarl Kove. – http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iAvFM4TYQKU#t=03m06s

    Alexander Cockburn has a few ideas. He points out the horrible likeness of Lush Rimbaugh’ late-fascist-period decorating to that of John Buchan’s hated German villain von Stumm, in Greenmantle. _Scroll_down_the_page!_ – Counterpunch – March 5-7, 2010 – http://www.counterpunch.org/cockburn03052010.html

    Lush Rimbaugh’s baby blue satin bedroom – it’s just divine! – http://money.cnn.com/2010/03/03/real_estate/rush_limbaugh_home/index.htm?source=patrick.net

    Roy ‘Boy Toy’ Ashburn – The Exiled – http://gawker.com/5485704/the-homoerotic-photos-of-a-closeted-anti+gay-republican-politician

    Definitely more outreach is needed from the Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence of San Francisco – “Helping closeted Republicans feel better about themselves everywhere.” – http://www.thesisters.org/

    “WHAT A GAY DAY”
    Larry Grayson, the UK’s favorite comedian, with 18m viewers out of a 54m population. – No wonder some foreigners wonder about the British. – With apologies for the seventies disco. Just pray that it never comes back. – http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gfnqlWKxcj8#t=00m30s

  • 7. Jie Ke  |  March 6th, 2010 at 9:31 pm

    Yeah, some of these guys can’t get near Western women… but they still do have a point about many of them being fat. I would add that lots of Western women are delusional about how interesting they are; a bit too much positive thinking and quiet judging of others, not enough self-examination. Especially the fat and loud ones; shut the fuck up already, if you were so smart you’d realise that in this tough world, it’s stupid for a girl to get fat! Take up smoking or something.

    Sad truth: girls are so much more attractive if they don’t have saggy arses and beer bellies. I have a few larger lady colleagues out here in China (Chinese are nazi about skinniness) and the Chinese are literally amazed that these girls are able to hold their heads up when they walk around. And you know what? I think it’s their not-so-nice undisclosed racism that keeps those chins in the air…

    In defence of the Western girls, they are considerably less crazy than 3rd world girls who are capable of a terrifying level of TV-drama inspired insanity. Those dudes who marry 3rd world girls are kidding themselves. At least a Western girl that finally consents to the indignity of allowing you to have sex with her isn’t after your passport and inheritance.

  • 8. tim  |  March 6th, 2010 at 11:25 pm

    Frank- I am from the Midwest. I remember there being a lot of good-looking girls when I was a teenager. A lot of them were pretty nice, too. I live in Ukraine now, and before that was in France and Germany. Whenever I go home I see these really fat women. Sorry, they’re just not attractive. I saw pictures from a gradeschool reunion; the girls had all become pretty fat, including one who was into sports in high school. Those who are not fat are rarities, and thus have a wide choice of good men. Stereotypes are true: Russian men drink themselves to death, American women become bloated from cheeseburgers and cheesesticks and Coca-Cola and supersized fries and so on. Why should anyone fight over fat women, even if they’re pretty nice personally, and better-read than their Eastern European counterparts?
    Here in Ukraine- no fighting over fat women. The big downside is that it is kind of a letdown to not have to do anything to get a woman, they are pretty easy, but, well I can hardly complain.

  • 9. Matt K  |  March 7th, 2010 at 5:29 am

    Yeah, except Russia isn’t a third world country (I doubt there is a 3rd world country left in Europe) Frank, dick lipped sonofobitch. But I guess ders yerr amerikan edumakation forr ya! USA #1!!

    Keep your fatties to yourslef and I’ll keep my 3rd world girlfriend and her crappy BMW and 3 room apartment and free education. God life is so hard here :(

  • 10. myzzia  |  March 7th, 2010 at 3:13 pm

    If you think Frank’s daughter is unfuckable-fat, you should see his wife or his Mamma.

  • 11. nampa1  |  March 7th, 2010 at 8:45 pm

    The ignorance of anything foreign, or the inability to fathom different gender paradigms is striking in America. I can not even tell people about how classy and down-to-earth the ladies in Japan were. Oh, and Frank, when you clock out of your second part-time job, you might want to read about the first-world Asian countries that have a social safety net and not an astronomical chasm between rich and poor.

  • 12. Russian Dude  |  March 8th, 2010 at 1:01 am

    Can I add a new one?

    Having the US allies completely pwned by Russia. From Saakashvili to Yushenko to one of the Stans, all of the Color/Rose Revolutions came to a screeching halt. The Stan was the first to fall, to a bribe. Is the US economy so fucked that it cannot bribe a fucking Stan? *Looks at US’s debt* Oh, nevermind.

    The second one to fall was Saakashvili. The idiot actually invaded Russia’s ally, Ossetia. What the fuck were you guys thinking? SpetzNaz is number one baby, and they proved it by beating the shit out of Georgians and the “non-existent” mercs they hired, who after the battle were actually non-existent. But the sad part? SpetzNaz didn’t even do most of the work – that was done by the Russian Regular Army in under five days, while losing under 70 men. Even the Wahhabists “liberating” Dagestan did better than Saakashvili, without any modern equipment! And now the entire Caucasus Region is pro-Russian. Thank you Saakashvili :D

    And while I am thanking Saakashvili, I’d like to thank him for all the NATO and Israeli military guides. I mean really, you guys didn’t need to highlight, we would’ve figured it out, but thank you :D Now Obama, do you really want Iran to have these? Get yo missiles outta Europe homeboy. Atta boy. Damn it feels good to be a gangsta.

    And recently the “Heroine” or Heroin of the Orange Revolution, Timoshenko got her ass kicked by Yanukovich, who is already making great PR by bashing and countermanding Yushenko’s orders. You don’t praise Nazi punks in Eastern Europe – how stupid can you get? Oh wait, didn’t Yushenko get single digits? What a loser! Ukraine, welcome back to the Russian camp, where you belong, with the winners.

    Now if Iran conquers Iraq, well that will be just hilarious. And the funny part? US cannot keep its troops in Iraq, because its economy is falling, and it’s sapping morale. But please leave Blackwater there, after all mercs don’t get any protection, and that’s just how Iran likes it. The even funnier part? Iran will do that on its own. NATO to the rescue? Nah, Announces the Talking Ostrich and sticks its head in the sand.

  • 13. noam  |  March 8th, 2010 at 1:34 am

    this just in

    Adam Gadhan has been caught

  • 14. Pádraig Ó Buth Chanain  |  March 8th, 2010 at 2:39 am

    @7: Shut the fuck up already, slope.

  • 15. dp  |  March 8th, 2010 at 2:57 am

    since when are fat american girls better read than their east european counterparts? or have personalities at all?

  • 16. jimbo  |  March 8th, 2010 at 3:11 am

    The American woman’s sense of entitlement is just sickening. You’ve got these mindless bulemic bitches who think that it’s a special privilege to talk to them. Nobody wants to smell their vomatosis breath. Prostitution should be made cheap and legal in the states in order to wake these cunts up to the reality of how little they are really worth.

  • 17. tick  |  March 8th, 2010 at 12:33 pm

    How did this thread get to be about women? The first guy is funny because thats the first thing he can think of some guy doesn’t want to fuck in his own country who fucking cares?

  • 18. calripson  |  March 8th, 2010 at 7:39 pm

    Comparing American girls to Russian girls is like comparing Hemmingway to Dostoyevsky.

  • 19. JoJoJo  |  March 8th, 2010 at 10:18 pm

    Lotta butthurt from the cellulite loving crusaders here, stay classy 14.

    But sometimes fat is okay if it’s distributed in the right places. Ass, titties, and wallet. But it’s the combo of fat plus arrogance that’s a killer. I know a lot of other black dudes that got burned by fat white chicks they thought demure and turned out loud and bossy anyway. Ladies, if you are fat you better be fucking jolly.

  • 20. Russian Dude  |  March 8th, 2010 at 11:48 pm

    “Comparing American girls to Russian girls is like comparing Hemmingway to Dostoyevsky.”

    You mean a waste of time? In Russia, we don’t compare, we have sex. If you need to think about comparing your women to other women, there’s a problem with your society. Now excuse me, Natasha (not Rostova unfortunately,) is waiting for me :P

  • 21. bushmonkey-on-a-cheney  |  March 9th, 2010 at 10:23 am

    @ Russian Dude :
    Natasha can’t talk to you now, my dick is in her commie mouth.

  • 22. john  |  March 9th, 2010 at 9:48 pm

    The article is all about politics and economics, but all you discuss here is women and their asses.

  • 23. tim  |  March 9th, 2010 at 9:56 pm

    @Russian Dude- America is turning into a serious pile of shit, on that we can all agree. Russia is not an example. As for girls, and things being wrong with society, I heard rape stories- and then stories about the cops not pursuing the criminal- countless times.

  • 24. Russian Dude  |  March 11th, 2010 at 3:03 pm

    @21 – you’re really pathetic. Natasha was a name I made up, did you really think that I’m stupid enough to use actual names online? Or does posting “Unexistant Chick is sucking my e-dick” give you a boner? Are things that bad in the US?!

    Didn’t anyone here get the Natasha Rostova reference? War and Peace? Pier Bezuhov? Do you guys at least read Hemmingway? Vonnegut? Ok, maybe Twain?

    @23 – wait, you mean the police force of a country is bribable? Wow, I never knew…wait, doesn’t that happen in every country? Well maybe not Andorra, cause everyone there knows each other, but criminals getting away, is a common problem, not limited to Russia.

    Cops are underpaid in every country, so they take bribes, the more underpaid they are, the more bribes they take. At least Russia is increasing real wages of cops, unlike the US. “Hey, crime’s rising, let’s put our cops on a hiring freeze” – ahh American logic. Not as bad as “Let’s bomb people’s kids, they’ll greet us as liberators!” but still around the area.

  • 25. Dave Goodrich  |  March 12th, 2010 at 8:29 am

    Sir,

    As a UK citizen with scottish ancestry I strongly object to you calling Scotland “Damp”.

    DaveGood

  • 26. bushmonkey-on-a-cheney  |  March 12th, 2010 at 1:48 pm

    @ 24. Russian Dude :
    It is PIERRE B. to all you ortography-challenged Russkies.
    BTW. I saw a snapper of your Natasha on redtube in the “barn” section. Man, she can really smoke these beasts of burden..

  • 27. putinsky  |  March 12th, 2010 at 1:51 pm

    @ 25 :
    Hemingway is spelled with one “m”.

  • 28. putinsky  |  March 12th, 2010 at 1:52 pm

    @ 25 :
    Sorry, “25″ is spelled “24″

  • 29. Pádraig Ó Buth Chanain  |  March 13th, 2010 at 10:56 am

    @25: “a UK citizen”. Say what? UK? Uk? Sounds like a involuntary noise made by the digestive system. Oh, you mean a fucking Brit… suddenly everything is clear.

  • 30. Natasha  |  March 13th, 2010 at 11:06 am

    @ 24, 21, 26 and all other morons above :
    I only do Western White God Innostrantsy.
    Hairy, smelly rodina muzhiks belong in the labor barracks on my vast landed estates.

  • 31. Russian Dude  |  March 13th, 2010 at 1:15 pm

    Americans never cease to amaze me. Instead of figuring out how to fix their own country, they bash Russia. Some are even guys signing in as girls *cough* 30 *cough*. And ya wonder why America is falling apart.

    American Problem: “Hey, our stock market will collapse in five years if we keep inflating it at this rate!”

    Typical American Response: “Alright! Let’s invade Iraq!”

  • 32. Natasha  |  March 14th, 2010 at 10:40 am

    @ 31
    Typical Russkie asshole. First he serenades me night after night, spends entire salary on a movie ticket, gas for the Zhiguli and 7 roses, takes me to McDonalds to try decadent Western elitny food, and when I tell him to fuck off, suddenly I’m a dude.
    You wish, faggot.. and that wish will come through when a fat muzhik named Vasya marries your ass in the gulag.

  • 33. abc123  |  March 14th, 2010 at 3:34 pm

    It’s funny how the left in USA have no testicles at all and the right has so large testicles they block out the sun.

    If USA was a radioactive desert filled with cannibalistic murderers armed M16′s after a nuclear war the right would still call the country “the greatest nation on earth”. Pride and overconfidence.

    If USA was the last free country on earth and all other countries practices slavery, torture and mass murder on their citizens the American left would still go around complaining about something irrelevant or of trivial importance within the country while the rest of the world suffered. Shame and insecurity.

    One of those “patriotic Americans” can pretty much hear as much shit about USA as it is possible to say, and my god they’ve heard it all, European media, European anti-Americanism, every dictator and anti-capitalist in the world, and still go around with pride. The left on the other hand pretty much can’t handle anyone ever questioning them, which also explains why communist countries doesn’t allow free speech and capitalist do.

    Just look at the URL of this page, it says “exiled” not “exile” which came after the Russian government shut down the Exile. The irony of this makes it such a great story. The name “The Exile” was a way of saying they’ve gone into “exile”, away from the USA to Russia. Exile means you are forced to leave. They weren’t forced to leave USA, but instead they where forced to leave Russia.

    They where exiled from the country they pretended to go into exile to.

  • 34. Sibyl Erythrae  |  March 15th, 2010 at 7:30 am

    Understanding the Liberal mind in three steps.

    1. Liberal solution to any problem: Find someone to blame it on.

    2. Liberal test for acceptance: If it’s immoral, we’re for it.

    3. America should be ashamed of itself.

    “The problem with socialism is that eventually you run out of other people’s money [to spend].” Margaret Thatcher

  • 35. Mark  |  March 16th, 2010 at 1:23 pm

    In the Benizir Bhutto category, that should be “shoo-in” in place of “Jolie’s a shoe-in to play Bhutto”. Not a big deal, it’s just one of those phraselets that routinely make publishers look uneducated. “Tow the line” instead of the correct “Toe the line” is another.

  • 36. abc123  |  March 18th, 2010 at 7:56 am

    Sibyl Erythrae: People jump their guns to fast. They see that the free market doesn’t solve every problem to ever have existed and they think that means free market must be 100% wrong.

    Like this discussion about health care. If the free market doesn’t get everyone health care then we must abandon the free market all together, never-mind it works for 90% of the people, it needs to go and be replaced with socialism.

    In my opinion you first need to have a working market and then start working out the problems that occur. A lot of people on the left talk about “curing the disease and not the symptoms” but I think they forget free market isn’t a disease for most people, only for the few that for some reasons couldn’t get health care and it’s a lot easier to get them health care afterwards, rather than to make everyone use government run health care.

    As for the so called liberals being ashamed to be Americans, I suspect that has more to do with European media giving USA a bad reputation.

  • 37. JCusick  |  March 19th, 2010 at 6:02 am

    10 years ago a friend of mine excitedly called me from Philadelphia to tell me he was taking a trip to China. It was the first time he had travelled outside the U.S. since around 1980. I mentioned to him that one thing he would clearly note is that when he arrived at LAX he would be amazed at how pretty women were on the West Coast… and when he got back he would be shocked at how many fat women lived on the West Coast.

    When he got back he called and left a single message on my phone, “You’re right, they’re all fat.”

  • 38. Anon  |  March 21st, 2010 at 8:14 pm

    Problem with America is that most Americans don’t do jack shit to stop their corrupt government. US bombs Serbia, Americans watch the Superbowl. US bombs Iraq, Americans watch American Idol. Most Americans don’t give a shit about anyone else, and that’s why the giant PR companies won. Unless people start fighting back, i.e. how hard is it to just not watch Fox News, or boycott massive companies that donate a lot to the “WMD Brigade” or do something.

    Unless Americans remember that they are decended from the Founding Fathers, they are going to get fucked, and the PR agents in the US already told Americans that they are stupid. What better to defeat your opponent, than to make him/her think they’re stupid? What’s the matter with you guys, WAKE THE FUCK UP!

  • 39. R.Sole  |  March 23rd, 2010 at 4:46 pm

    Russian Dude – you make some goods points but unfortunately they are undermined by the fact that your ex-president can decide what you watch, what you read, what you eat, and what colour underwear you put on in the morning. He even exiled this website by bureaucratic decree – must suck to not be allowed to set up your own website without official approval.

    Once Russia becomes a vaguely free 1st world country then you can start bragging – a few forelock-tugging commodity oligarchs does not a powerful country make.

    In 1950 you ruled Eastern Europe, your leader was the baddest dictator of all time, and your army could have reached Paris inside a month. In 2010 even Kazahkstan is an independent country, your politicians have term limits, and your idea of a great military victory is 5 days of tank manoeuvres in a tiny former imperial colony – a bit like if Britain spent a week parading Churchills in Sierra Leone then going home, instead of choosing which government would be in charge there.

    Russia used to be a Great Power. Now it is just another 3rd world country, with life expectancy in the 60s and even more wealth inequality than the USA.

  • 40. Sibyl Erythrae  |  March 24th, 2010 at 12:47 pm

    I have a theory that 50% of Americans are naive idiots. Unfortunately they are distributed evenly accross both political parties. These zombies have no will of their own, they will believe whatever they hear on television or read on a blog. They think that Jesus wrote the bible and that The Daily Show with John Stewart is a news program. They think that Al Gore is a scientist and Angelina Jolie cares about the black children that she buys while on vacation. If my theory is correct, then Americas only hope is to keep these people from voting. I think that Californias attempt at legalizing drugs is the first step and the only solution to this problem. If they are stoned they will not be able to find the voting booth.

  • 41. jack  |  December 22nd, 2012 at 6:31 pm

    dont REPEATEDLY ask me for money WITHOUT even letting me what the …. you MAY or MAY NOT stand for and then put a mirror to MY american face comrade.


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