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Books / Fatwah / September 17, 2010

hitchens dying waterboard

If you’re like us, you’re sick and tired of having to wait around for some loathsome celebrity to die just to read their obituary. Who says we can’t read the obituary before they die, on our own time? This is about empowering us, the non-celebrities, so that we can get our celebrity ghoul-pool porn fix when we feel like it, rather than waiting for their terminal illness to decide.

Which is why we here at The eXiled have developed a revolutionary new tool that will transform the literary death-watch. It’s a new technology we call “The Pre-legy.” At eXiled, we’re not content to wait for the doctors to give us the thumbs-down and the ol’ sad face. We want to know what folks’ll be saying after a celebrity death, without waiting for that celeb’s pig-valve heart to flatline.

Take our old friend Christopher “Hic!” Hitchens: instead of waiting for the throat cancer to take him away, we decided to get proactively involved in the ol’ warmonger’s impending death by generating, through our new technology, The Big Eulogy (or “Pre-legy) we’re all waiting for: the Martin Amis funeral speech, before it’s written. We managed to get ahold of the Amis eulogy in-advance thanks to an old Russian software programmer we know, who zombied up for us a virtual Martin Amis that can squirt out highbrow virtu-tears over the upcoming death of Amis’ best bud, Chris Hitchens.

Our programmer created a virtual Martin Amis verbiage-generator tool called MartinMate 2.0. Using MartinMate 2.0, we plugged in three key variables– “Hitchens,” “Terror,” and “Throat Cancer”–and ran them through the virtual Amis to generate a eulogy that will have them weeping in the seminar aisles. MartinMate 2.0 spat out the exact same eulogy, word-for-ridiculous-word, each time–proof that what you will read is an advance preview of Amis’ future-Booker-Prize-winning eulogy. You can’t fight science, folks.

Behold, then, the eXclusive advance copy of Martin Amis’ eulogy for Christopher Hitchens.

The Man Whose Pharynx Was Horrorized

By Martin Amis

In Memory of Christopher Hitchens, 1949-[TK date of publication] (note to ed: hold this piece for publication until throat c. gets Hitch; then publish IMMED. MA)

The first hiccup of his usurpation was the second bottle. It slithered past the incisors, a Mamba of zooanthropic vengeance, exuding a peaty pathos, a 12-year-old blurt of inhumation, to crash against the pharynx which had held, Cincinattus-esque, against so many lucre-hefted Caledonian tides, but which on this first day of a coming future teetered and fell, a single twin tower, a meat WTC, revealing in its nude Lucretism the weakness of the West. The belch of flame engulfed us all. It was the end of everything. In all the great conurbations of the trembling Occident, we took a step backward, appalled and sickened by that belch of the grave.

The pharynx:  une rose en steak, a cellwall sturdy yet preemptively extinguished like Harold’s at Hastings, stood revealed as mere jello against the Cullodenic onslaught of dissolution, literal, Balrogian, galvanic. Its first insolent anthem was a belch of Gehennan digestic juices screaming Jihad. Their chthonic conturbation overwhelmed Oxbridge, Fleet Street, and obliterated the Canary Wharf of his voice.

Yet the loyal were slow to assign verity to the dispersing cloud of thanatos, the radius of Terror, the red circle of total destruction mapped by that hiccup, for more than a pharynx wobbled in the scales.  This was the pharynx that, like Lady Gaga’s meat dress, shielded multitudes from the unspeakable. This voicebox shimmered wetly as impassable barrier to the desert hordes, a blood-gorged sahel holding back the sands of the Sahara, each grain incised with Koranic verses promising death. It was as if, in a documentary produced by Elburzian deities for our demoralization, we were watching in slow motion as an infiltrated grain of sand slipped through security, evaded the metal detectors unturned to silicate, however fanatical, and by stearine mimicry of the Western smile, was assigned a seat on that precious pharynx, economy class no doubt but deadly enough for all its demotic parsimony, and once strapped in, the safety video mournfully complete, the seat-belt sign turned off, this alien silicate, this Horda of fundamentalism, left its seat on the pharynx and migrated throatward, recruiting comrades among the notoriously perverted tribes of the lower throat, the upper Nile, the treacherous Nubia of a now utterly vulnerable Egypt: his very head.


(Note to ed. Is this enough? I can do you however much you want but it will be twice the usual rate—close friend, v. shaken up, etc. Please publish attached photo of me answering call of duty in war on pharynx terror, avenging CH’s pharynx, etc. MA)

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Add your own

  • 1. Dammerung  |  September 17th, 2010 at 3:21 pm

    Even Death wants nothing to do with Hitchens.

  • 2. zhubajie  |  September 17th, 2010 at 3:23 pm

    Write GW Bush’ obit next. Or Cheney’s!

  • 3. Armen  |  September 17th, 2010 at 4:47 pm

    Dude! Let’s have an audio of Dolan reading the pre-legy. Fuck, that would be awesome!

  • 4. islameXpert  |  September 17th, 2010 at 6:36 pm

    Smartin Anis is a sack o’ shit. That people consider him and Hitch anything but narcissistic, ungrateful, privileged, opportunistic, pretentious, racist, anti-Catholic, anti-Muslim, neo imperialistic hacks is expected, but still staggering.

    Confer Smartin Anis’s long and completely unsupported analysis so-called of the dread Islamic Republic of Iran:

    This is a hatchet job on an entire country, unsupported by any actual fact, study, statistics, or, gawd forbid, reference to the opinions of actual Persians. Wogs are wogs, and people with fancy Blitish accents are sure smart, amen. That’s all that the Hitch/Anis axis is and represents: the deep-seated Anglo-imperial commitment to its founding premise — “Wogs aren’t human.” (Yes, Dolan said that somewhere, and he was right.)

    That we (and by ‘we’, I mean people who actually count, i.e., Americans) give this scum such wide berth is shameful.

  • 5. grimace and ronald  |  September 17th, 2010 at 6:57 pm

    How delightfully cruel.

  • 6. vicfaculty  |  September 17th, 2010 at 7:13 pm

    I have poor taste, amusingly poor taste, the room-quieting poor taste of a fart cloud in human form, a fart cloud that lingers around my shit university. Just realized you are the same John Dolan who was cited by the New York Times for having first outed James Frey as a literary fraud. As for me, heck, I’m a Canadian, so the real question is whether or not anyone’s listening or cares. They don’t, I know. Not entirely surprising given the predictable vapid quality of my comment. Truth is, I am one of the many dumbshits out there wowed by Hitchens. I mean when I read his book that says there’s no God, I thought, “Wow! That’s brave!” Really, I believe he is the first atheist ever. And the way he cheered on America’s war in Iraq. He was right–Saddam Hussein posed a threat to the free world, and we won it easily, fair’n’square. What I like most about Hitch is that he leaves behind a large body. Off work, that is..That really impresses me, when writers leave behind a large body. Of work. Like Danielle Steele or Stephen King–they too left behind large bodies of work. I admire them, god I really do. You can hear an echo roaring in the chamber of my blogger ass, which awaits Hitchens’ entire body. Of work.

  • 7. foog  |  September 17th, 2010 at 10:06 pm

    Bless you Dolan, you are doing the Lord’s work.

  • 8. John Drinkwater  |  September 17th, 2010 at 11:42 pm

    I wonder what Amis and Hitchens will think after they read this article? Will they challenge Dolan to a debate at Cooper Union or the 92nd St. Y? Or are those forums only good enough for Rabbi Smoley Boteach and Dinesh D’Souza?

  • 9. meat WTC  |  September 18th, 2010 at 3:56 am


  • 10. John  |  September 18th, 2010 at 6:55 am

    I don’t know how your Amis-machine generated three paragraphs without once using the word “lachrymose.” Or maybe that’s just an affectation of Hitchens himself?

  • 11. John Yaya  |  September 18th, 2010 at 8:12 am

    Not for nothing does Jolly Olde turn out the finest over-educated boneheads in the world: royal gut-laughs when they smash into infinity.

    On the other hand, what will we Yanks get when Thomas Sowell kicks the bucket?

  • 12. woundedduck  |  September 18th, 2010 at 9:03 am

    Hitch was wrong about the war, but right about a lot of other things.

  • 13. nameless asshole  |  September 18th, 2010 at 9:27 am

    Ok, that was fun. The Sahel, Mt. Elburz, Battle of Hastings, “chthonic conturbation” Not sure if the last one is an ironic misspelling of Conurbation or some ye olde alternate spelling or if Dolan didn’t want to waste time with the spell check.
    Us WWII geeks are familiar with the “Rhine Conurbation” and we want to know: What is the likelyhood that the CIA gives Israel the goahead for an airstrike on the Bushehr I reactor a la Osirik?

  • 14. boson  |  September 18th, 2010 at 1:19 pm

    God bless Dr Nolan. (even if he – i mean God, not Dolan – doesn’t exist)

  • 15. empire in decline  |  September 18th, 2010 at 3:25 pm

    John Dolan can mimic that pretentious British intellectual tone better than they can.

    One of the reasons they get the attention they do is because they supposedly sound eloquent and well-read. Dolan can convey that same tone without sounding like a douchebag and yet he doesn’t receive the same attention. If one John Dolan could get a prominent place in the public political discourse everything would improve.

    Anyway, this was really fun to read. It was all really good but I especially liked: “the treacherous Nubia of a now utterly vulnerable Egypt: his very head.” The world can never have enough Hitchens’s bashing just to show that sometimes in the end the assholes actually lose.

  • 16. Systemless  |  September 18th, 2010 at 9:17 pm

    Dolan has technique AND soul.

  • 17. gracchus  |  September 18th, 2010 at 9:21 pm

    dolan’s/the exile’s envy of hitchen’s stature has never been so palpable.

  • 18. John Drinkwater  |  September 19th, 2010 at 1:12 am

    “dolan’s/the exile’s envy of hitchen’s stature has never been so palpable.”

    I just think it’s part of a conspiracy on their part to try and kill Glenn Beck. Maybe, just maybe all this throat cancer will bother Hitchens and in effect encourage and strengthen his cancer.

  • 19. CAW  |  September 19th, 2010 at 1:49 am

    @gracchus: Dolan’s envy of other people’s literary success is self-confessed. If that’s what you mean by Hitchen’s “stature”, nobody disagrees. As for Dolan envying Hitchens for literary ability, or for integrity… – PUH-leeze!

  • 20. Will  |  September 19th, 2010 at 4:33 pm

    “This was the pharynx that, like Lady Gaga’s meat dress, shielded multitudes from the unspeakable.”

    I loled.

    Still, Dr. Dolan, I can’t help but feel that both your literary talents and your grudge against Amis would be better utilized if you were to channel them to produce another great novel rather than petty internet hating.

  • 21. 20  |  September 19th, 2010 at 5:17 pm

    “The Man Whose Pharynx Was Horrorized” is a gut-rippingly funny opener. You don’t expect any piece to live up to such a line, but that is because there is only one Dr. Dolan.

    Your art’s better than your titles, John, and the titles are fantastic. Thanks also for the image of Mart’s face I keep getting, shaded in different pH levels, when next he googles himself.

  • 22. King Mob  |  September 19th, 2010 at 11:03 pm

    I actually like Hitchens, but your Hitchens hatred has been hilarious and awesome. More please.

  • 23. good 'ol johnny  |  September 20th, 2010 at 8:30 am

    so this is about as exciting as the literary world gets these days

  • 24. John Jobs  |  September 21st, 2010 at 12:01 am

    Why the fuck do I keep trying to post a comment here, then I chicken out and don’t write anything but this?

  • 25. BlottoBonVismarck  |  September 21st, 2010 at 10:37 am

    Thanks for that – the biggest pile of crap since Colon Powell stood up and lied for his country, ER, ‘Chad Vader’ Cheney, at the UN.

    You’ve persuaded me that I didn’t miss anything by never reading Marin Amis and that I will make strenuous efforts never to do so in future.

    Hitchens? Bugger Hitchens. Let the door hit him on the way out. ASAP.

  • 26. mydick  |  September 21st, 2010 at 6:15 pm

    “Oh freddled gruntbuggly/thy micturations are to me/As plurdled gabbleblotchits on a lurgid bee.

    Groop I implore thee, my foonting turlingdromes. And hooptiously drangle me with crinkly bindlewurdles,

    Or I will rend thee in the gobberwarts with my blurglecruncheon, see if I don’t!”

    This is why I will pay $$$ for more eXile. Where else can you find this?

  • 27. Strelnikov  |  September 22nd, 2010 at 7:43 am

    My only problem with the Horrorized Pharnyx is it avoids mentioning that nobody forced Hitch to smoke, that the stupid motherfucker knew the goddamn things were lethal, and that he is the author of his own ruin. I know this might sound like moralizing, but actually it points out what an obliviously arrogant fucknugget Christopher Hitchens is/was, my he Rot in Pieces, za kommunisma.

  • 28. Will  |  September 22nd, 2010 at 7:33 pm

    (I probably don’t need to point this out, but that’s a picture of Paul Wolfowitz, not Finkelstein).

  • 29. Homer Erotic  |  September 23rd, 2010 at 4:31 am

    Totally off-topic: I hope the last chapter(s) of “Stupid” are in the works. I want to know what happens after the shrieking and gibbering! 😀

  • 30. Jack Boot  |  September 24th, 2010 at 7:57 am

    Hitch’s geo-strategic judgment is open to criticism, but I enjoyed watching him make fools of assorted God-botherers on YouTube.

    Ah, well: Chris is croaking, whilst his Jesus-freakish kid brother remains in rude health.
    I would have preferred it ‘tother way ’round. Pity…

  • 31. Gustavo Arellano  |  September 25th, 2010 at 9:25 pm

    I have no idea what the fuck this is about, yet a sentence of your mock obit is better than anything Hitchens has ever written.

  • 32. Myf  |  September 26th, 2010 at 5:56 pm

    Hahahah God Damn

  • 33. Thanatos  |  September 27th, 2010 at 12:37 am


  • 34. Thanatos  |  September 27th, 2010 at 12:48 am

    What does Monbiot think about the War Nerd going to relish in his element in Kurdistan now?

  • 35. pete  |  September 27th, 2010 at 7:29 pm

    Jeez louise, where the fuck is the ward nerd?

  • 36. Said  |  September 30th, 2010 at 8:17 pm

    Dolan hasn’t paid any attention to me ever, which is why I’m pissed and weeping about wasting my life writing comments while he entertains everyone else with stories about his wasted youth.

  • 37. Sean  |  November 23rd, 2010 at 12:00 am

    Deeply heartfelt and touching.


  • 38. Rehmat  |  November 26th, 2010 at 3:59 pm

    I’m a paranoid anti-Semitic geek begging to have his comment fucked with. Please fuck with me, guys?

  • 39. ferd  |  April 25th, 2011 at 7:04 am

    Yeah, warmonger and adolescent jerk, but good for a few laughs, too.

    “We all got it comin’, kid.” — William Munny

  • 40. ferd  |  April 25th, 2011 at 7:06 am

    Also, JD rules!

  • 41. Rawlery  |  July 4th, 2011 at 2:14 am

    I wanted to do this on my blog but you guys beat me to it :(

  • 42. main  |  April 11th, 2014 at 1:14 am

    I rarely comment, but i did a few searching and wound up here
    eXiled eXclusive! Advance Copy Of Martin Amis Eulogy For (The Nearly-Departed) Christopher Hitchens
    – By John Dolan – The eXiled. And I do have 2 questions for
    you if you tend not to mind. Is it only me or does it seem like some of these comments
    appear like they are coming from brain dead people?
    😛 And, if you are posting at additional online sites, I would like to
    keep up with anything fresh you have to post. Would you make a list of every one of your communal pages like your linkedin profile, Facebook
    page or twitter feed?

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