So, how did sobriety work for Kudlow? The New York Times checked in on their drugs-are-bad poster boy 15 months later, in July, 1995, and the what they found…well, it may not surprise you or shock you, but it’s pretty goddamn funny:
Fifteen months ago, Mr. Kudlow made a highly public confession of his drug problem shortly after he was forced to resign as chief economist at Bear Stearns. He also made a fresh career start as a conservative political commentator for television and magazines and said he believed that he had overcome his addiction.
…But over the weekend, Mrs. Kudlow petitioned for a divorce and an order to prevent Mr. Kudlow from tapping their Bear Stearn’s retirement account to pay for a weeks-long cocaine binge. “The defendant will use such money to buy cocaine,” she stated in an affidavit, “and in so doing will likely suffer a fatal overdose and will dissipate the only remaining liquid marital assets.”
See what I mean? If you remember the whiny dickheads who couldn’t handle their drugs, then you’ll remember the Lawrence Kudlow archetype. There’s a reason you stopped hanging out with people like him. They were unreliable, sneaky, the ones who always got you busted.
Now, look again at the clip of Kudlow ranting about his love of Colombia and his rage at Bozy In The Hood: look at the scowling, the paranoia, the sweaty jowls and the crazed nonsequitors-we’ve all seen it. Not on grown rightwing men, mind you–mostly on girls with names like Muffy and Missy during debutante week. But that’s nothing to be ashamed of.
Because Larry–and I’m addressing you personally now–we’re not here to judge you or disparage you. On the contrary, we’re here to laugh at you. And to laugh, and laugh, and laugh. Because through laughter’s healing power, we just might save you from what appears to be your worst, deadliest relapse ever. And that’s saying a lot in your case.
Larry, if you’re reading this, know this: We, the nation, the United States of America, who watch you and love you, are here to let you know that it’s okay. We want to help. You’re with friends now. We want to offer you an eight ball of Intervention, which you can snort through a rolled up bill of human empathy.
It’s time to end the lies, Larry Kudlow. Come, give us a hug.
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18 Comments
Add your own1. rick | April 22nd, 2009 at 9:03 am
This is funny, in print–I can’t listen to radio in a cafe.
These eXile(d) attack articles are always so funny, since it’s like hitting somebody with some shit they never even knew existed, or was possible. I can’t think of a good metaphor. I would say most people simply aren’t aware this style even exists. The victims have to wrap their heads around what the hell just hit them in the forehead, felt a hammer.
There’s something almost comical about that element, in itself.
2. Brody | April 22nd, 2009 at 10:08 am
It’s Colombia, not Columbia. If it is true that you are actually in Panama, come visit! There’s lots of death pron! Bring Larry too, I bet he would love it here!
3. phil_collins | April 22nd, 2009 at 10:39 am
Haha, it’s about time somebody called this ridiculous ass motherfucker out. This guy is the definition of a hack.
I get so angry whenever I see him talking on TV, but I can’t turn away.
4. az | April 22nd, 2009 at 11:48 am
“I leave this as a declaration of intent, so no one will be confused. One: “Si vis pacem, para ordo bellum.” Latin. The philosophy professor at UC Berkely made us recite it like a prayer. “Si vis pacem, para ordo bellum – If you want peace, prepare for class war.” Two: Mark Ames is dead. He died with his country. Three: in certain extreme situations, the law is inadequate. In order to shame its inadequacy, it is necessary to act outside the law. To pursue… natural justice. This is not vengeance. Revenge is not a valid motive, it’s an emotional response. No, not vengeance. Punishment.”
5. aleke | April 22nd, 2009 at 1:38 pm
Oh Ames you’re such a sweetie!
6. George | April 22nd, 2009 at 1:58 pm
You should also have written how Larry Kudlow converted from Judaism to Christianity. What a scumbag!
7. Tip Top | April 22nd, 2009 at 2:58 pm
I call him “Crudlow”
8. simon max hill | April 22nd, 2009 at 4:42 pm
Why does he start off yelling about being pissed off and then switch to “darn” later on. Is there some nuance of TV punditry I don’t understand?
9. lolz | April 22nd, 2009 at 8:29 pm
Uh, What? The eXiled coming out against drug use … blaming it on this guy’s ridiculously priveleged, single-minded, selfish ideology? Those are the signs of a straight up, rotten animal … not the signs of a coke addict. And, honestly, I’ve never met a cocaine addict. It’s way too expensive, short-acting, and plain old not addictive enough.
10. Tony | April 23rd, 2009 at 2:54 pm
My mama told me that doing cocaine is God’s way of telling you that you’re too rich.
11. Ben | April 23rd, 2009 at 6:52 pm
“Uh, What? The eXiled coming out against drug use”
The eXiled is coming out against coke use, which in their eminent wisdom they have described as “fool’s meth.”
They’re coming out against half-assed drug use, but I pity the crackhead who forgets that they’re in favor of the real thing.
12. cobblers | April 24th, 2009 at 6:27 am
Off topic, but I just spotted this over on Counterpunch:
The Tragedy of Youth Deepens
Ten Years After Columbine
By HENRY A. GIROUX
http://www.counterpunch.org/giroux04212009.html
13. twentyeight | April 24th, 2009 at 11:01 am
“‘The defendant will use such money to buy cocaine,’ she stated in an affidavit, ‘and in so doing will likely suffer a fatal overdose and will dissipate the only remaining liquid marital assets.'”
Thx 4 teh lulz, Ku-Dawg. Your rich ass may be on TV, and you may get rewarded for failure, but damn.
I wonder, does addiction afflict the rich more? The one acquianttance I had who was a full-blown crack addict had a trust fund and even a scholarship named after him. The funny thing was it took us a while to realize that he had a problem, because he was such an asshole before he was addicted it was hard to tell when he was smoking it.
14. phil | April 27th, 2009 at 4:56 pm
I don’t know, maybe you should try the good stuff.
15. Laius | June 16th, 2009 at 4:18 am
I started watching CNBC especially the 6 to 8 pm slots early last spring after reading about the coming melt down on the blogs. It was fascinating to watch these two hucksters, Cramer and Kudlow bob and weave while spewing (no other word for it) their pro market, “free” market jive. They were never right of course but both have what the cables want ENERGY. That’s all that matters. I heard Cramer tell his audience of sheep that Bear Stern’s was solid, a week before they went down. All the clowns on CNBC are really unwatchable. I no longer tune in.
16. Drunken Economist | August 8th, 2009 at 10:54 am
Judging by the shrillness that is Americka, Colombia will be our economic ally for decades to come. Most of the Boomer population, clinging to power, fueled by excess Cocaine, has seen to that.
Billy Mays, Jim Cramer, Larry Kudlow, Dubya.
Blood vessels bursting at the seams, living to dead, bursting with ENERGY, fueled by coke.
Two things I bust the popcorn out for these days:
* CNBC or any over coke fueled spectacle. Mostly Boomers. Imploding slowly. That’s not a teleprompter they’re looking at, it’s a mirror of Narcissus. And you thought that was the Pelosi blank stare.
* A good Darwin Award-like Boomer death.. we just had one in PA where one took out 2 more of his species.
And if you think either of these things are going away, think again. Boomers are joining the AARP, much to the horror of my parents.
So expect a lot more bloviating and graceless exits.
17. Chris | September 9th, 2010 at 12:44 pm
Somebody has too much time on their hands, and that somebody is posting comments on this site.
18. Martin A Thiel | August 9th, 2014 at 12:57 pm
First time on this site and I’m here because I think Kudlow is “right on”. We now have a Kondratieff 2 and 1/2 generation which is spoiled rotten. They feel entitled to parents and granddad’s money and those who don’t have that feel entitled to “other people’s money” and look to “progressives” to give that to them along with unlimited orgasms-the highest thing that human nature can aspire to-mimicked by drug addiction- when the real thing is limited by the high cost $9 of BCP’s which are along with everything else in Obama’s economy increasingly unaffordable. They hated Romney, a morally and materially successful man because he wasn’t enough like themselves. My lifelong Catholicism-I didn’t reject my loving parent’s values- prompts me to the same outrage at Obama and his apparatchiks that so many direct at Kudlow and others of my ilk. The dividing line is “abortion rights” and the hypocrisy of those who claim to be for the little guy. Someone who would co-op the very life of the most helpless among us and even their own flesh and blood in the name of absolute control should not have authority of any kind over another “free” human being. Inequality? At least God knows who to sent to hell!
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