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Entertainment / Video Games / February 12, 2009

The gaming groundhog sticks his head from his hole, goes to Blockbuster and sees: F.E.A.R. 2: Project Origin (360).

Most people associate F.E.A.R. with Alma, the creepy little girl who gets bloody footprints everywhere and sets shit on fire. But F.E.A.R. is really about one thing: slow motion head-shot porn. I probably won’t cover this quickly approaching game, but if I did, the article would probably go something like:

3:05 – Shot a guy in the face, awesome!

3:05 – Yeah, shot his face in the ass, woo!

3:06 – Hey, did it again! Ow!

8:05 – Shot dude face.

8:06 – Ditto.

8:10 – facshot

Well, that’s covered. I give it a C! What else?

Onechanbara: Bikini Samurai Squad (360) – You’re a chick in a bikini killing zombies. I’d rather be a zombie in a bikini killing chicks. But at least this is weird and Japanese.

Deadly Creatures (Wii) – Now we’re talking. One on one fights between real life animals: Rattlesnake vs Tarantula; Gila Monster vs Wasp. Don’t let a rainy day get between you and sadism. You + Me + Dead Animals = Wiiiiiiiiii!

Flower (PS3) – Oh, you’re like this beautiful flower in a pretty field and you shoot pollen everywhere and it, like, blows around to other flowers and makes new flowers! And that new flower is you, and you’re like, so beautiful. And you bloom and the sun is like “Yeah, awesome!” And then like, a little girl comes and puts her sweet, soft fingers on you and you say “Yaaaay! Wait…Hey! Oh god, NO! Stop pulling, oh JESUS, I’m ripping! AAAAAGHHHHHHHHH. AAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!!!!!”

Flowers, little girls and animals? Spring is near, it’s nearly here! So there will be a lot of new stuff to cover. But since we have a few days until the shit hits the shelves, let’s take one last deep whiff of winter, in the form of Fallout 3. [Keep in mind, this will not be a video game review in a critical sense. If you want to know what is good or bad about Fallout 3, check out Rick Rucker's excellent review here. If you're up for a rivetig personal tour of the game, read on! —Ed.]

*Press Start*

A light flickers on and “I Don’t Want to Set the World on Fire” begins. “I just want to start a flame in your heart.” There’s a plastic hula dancer on the dash of a bombed bus, toys in the seats, and a sign says “Brighter Future Under Ground!” Get it? Get it?! Then we see a bombed DC, a big robot with a gun, and Fallout 3!

“Blood has been spilled in the name of everything from God, to justice, to simple psychotic rage.”

“But war, war never changes.”

What? Did it always have huge gun-toting robots and super mutants?

Ah, finally! Some real information. I was born in a vault underground! No one ever enters, and no one ever leaves!

Holy cow, my blood is all over the screen and I’m a crying baby! A doctor asks if I’m a boy or a girl while looking at my privates.

Jesus, how embarrassing. You’re supposed to be the doctor, asshole.

“Welcome to escapist fantasy, where your penis is so small, it might qualify as a vagina!” At least now I know why I want to destroy this world.

Anyway, the game asks me to pick a gender, so I choose “Male”.

Liam Neeson is telling a lady that he has a son. Holy shit, Liam Neeson is my dad. He says he and my mother have been discussing names, and what do I think of “Blank”. Ooh, I get to fill it in! I can be whoever I want. I need to compensate for this whole penis issue, so I’ll be Pole Johnson. Next I can choose my race and alter my face. I make myself African American, which should give me at least a +12 to penis size. But now my name isn’t right. I back out, add a “De”, and “DePole Johnson” is born. Perfect!

My mom says I look “strapping.” That’s more like it! Everyone is looking at me with pride. My mom is so impressed, she has a heart attack and dies.

Now I’m in a nursery, and a black man is telling me to walk to him with Liam Neeson’s voice. Wow, Neeson has the whitest voice ever. “I know you don’t like it when daddy leaves you alone, but you need to take care of yourself for awhile.” At least he walks the walk.

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8 Comments

Add your own

  • 1. Mr. Ballsdangle  |  February 12th, 2009 at 3:00 pm

    No matter what these guys do–whether it’s video game reviews or whores–I just can’t get enough! I fuckin love them! Hey, readers, isn’t my nickname “Mr. Ballsdangle” really funny?

  • 2. Rammspieler  |  February 12th, 2009 at 5:56 pm

    Now watch as the self-described “hard-core” fans of The Exiled from way back from the Moscow days will bitch about how video game reviews “totally killed The eXile” retroactively for them and not Russian bureaucrats.

  • 3. Koryavi  |  February 13th, 2009 at 3:52 am

    Yup,thus ends F3,the long awaited sequel turned bastard.God rest its soul – Bethsoft announced that it’s gonna milk the setting dry.

    Humor’s flat,little variety,no sense in exploring or replaying – only visuals and tiresome headshots.And that level cap – now,that’s a bit BaldursGatean.Say “characterimport” and 4-5 addons,anyone?

    P.S For an M-game,it’s also a bit childish and naive.

  • 4. Strange  |  February 13th, 2009 at 8:10 am

    Unemployed?
    I’d say rightfully so. What about trying to apply some basic English Grammar to your sentences, no, better quit “reviewing” video games altogether and get a basic education first. Fallout3 was already done on the Exiled. It was perfect. Compared to this one it shines even more. If the former review was University grade, this one is even below Kindergarten. Seriously. Do some manual labor, you might excel @ that, but STOP REVIEWING GAMES. NOW. It’s not too late yet.

  • 5. FOARP  |  February 13th, 2009 at 12:08 pm

    Hell, here’s a life-lesson for ya. Expat living as described in the eXile was pretty much as described. Ex-ex-pat living, though, is pretty much as has been described in the Exiled over the last year.

    Yeah, that’s right guys, expats get into lots of steamy stuff overseas, but ship them back to the homeland and their lives suck just as bad as anyone else who is going through this recession. Give me a break, if you guys want your fix of expat-living-by-proxy, you’ll have to go elsewheres. At the moment, this all seems very real to me.

  • 6. kqnbkal  |  February 13th, 2009 at 4:29 pm

    It’s not about reading about their expat exploits it’s about good writing. That’s the only reason I ever read the exile.

    Any 18 year old masturbation addict could write crap like this. Hey, Ames: is this guy your dealer or something? Were you low on cash and you let him write video game reviews as a form of barter?

    Besides, video games are for fags.

  • 7. PlayblackjacFree  |  February 17th, 2009 at 1:10 pm

    LOL best review ever!

  • 8. goony "stairs" mcgoonstein  |  March 2nd, 2009 at 12:38 pm

    dang man why you gotta do me like that


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