Cheers:

They bring in performers too expensive for your average dorkadent club. Manage to keep the place packed even with Nazi face control and oil baron prices. High eye candy ratings.

Jeers:

Not enough shagg to pull off the 70's retro look. Pales in comparision to A-Club. A look but don't touch policy will insure you a long, fruitful life. Some clients are important enough to not get thrown out no matter how much same sex freaking they are engaging in.

Cover:

Varies

M:

Mayakovskaya, Novoslabodskaya

Phone:

972-11-32; 251-98-60

Address:

Delegatskaya 1

Hours:

Karioki/ Sushi bar: 19:00 to 6:00. Club: Thurs - Sat 22:00 - 6:00

Cheers:

Won the "Best Club of 1999" competition, and recently celebrated its smashing first anniversary! When these guys throw a theme party, they pull out all the stops. No club comes close in Moscow when it comes to costumes and stage sets. If you haven't been here yet, then get thee hither: Club 13 has hit the bigtime in Moscow's higher-end super-suave nightlife scene. Packed to the gilt with model-bies, dorkadent dudes, businessmen and flatheadz with Harrod's attitude. Located in an impressive, spacious 19th century mansion in the center of town. Darkened harem room great for macking, zoning, nodding, and, uh, huh-huh.

Jeers:

We've bumped into offduty whores we recognized from Night Flight here, which gives rise to unpleasant thoughts, like, h'm, how do you know if your own girlfriend is just another off-duty whore. Dorkadence central. Pafosny neuveaux riches proles can induce unwanted stomach gas; girls with Ôtude; expensive drinks.

Cover:

Weekends often $5 for cardholders, $15 for non-card holders; call for details. Very strict feis kontrol (except for masked MVD cops)

M:

Turgenevskaya

Phone:

927-2391

Address:

13 Myasnitskaya

Cheers:

Now that it's dead and sucks, we actually like it. The way we like all corpses.

Jeers:

You'll have to check your pride in at the door. Weekends hit and miss; one recent Friday "crowd" was nothing of the sort, with the dancefloor half-empty and available tables in the back room. Touch a chick, and your body won't float to the top of the Moskva River until mid-spring. Drinks mega-expensive. High leathery plastic surgery factor.

M:

Pushkinskaya

Address:

Corner of Petrovka and Strastnoy Bulvar

Cheers:

The King Of oscow Dorkadence is back in business, although some famous art director guy bailed. Was voted "Club Of The Year" by Ne Spat'. Packed full of model-manniquens and guys with bucket hairdos and turtlenecks. Attractive brick cellar interior; good place to hang out and discuss your failing modeling career and blow habit. A hint: hit up the mannequins, there, they're E-Z-R than you think.

Jeers:

It's now eerily dead and lacking in mojo, although that could soon easily change. Starvin' Ivan doesn't like it when he's teased like this. Was responsible more than any club for introducing "Dorkadence" in Moscow with its mix of models, Swiss border guard face control, thugs in boutique Italian clothes, and nerdy expats proud to be "part of the scene."

Cover:

Free

M:

Tretyakovskaya

Phone:

951-9777

Address:

Bolshaya Ordynka 27

Hours:

Weekdays: 12.00-1.00; Weekends: 12.00-05.00

Cheers:

Rich neo-New Russians think this place is cool. Has a DJ standing in your face playing techno and holding one ear of his headphones to his head. Parking lot full of expensive stolen cars, inside packed with stolen TVs showing shitty Russian programs.

Jeers:

Asshole central. NATO should send a cruise missile here as a warning to dorkadents that enough is enough. A cramped little bar blaring disco, no place to sit, and more Russian TV. Boy does that sound fun!

Cover:

None (alleged face control)

M:

Barrikadnaya/Smolenskaya

Phone:

255-4333

Address:

Novinsky bulvar 11

Hours:

12.00 - 6.00

Cheers:

We'd like to tell, but fuck if we spring R1000 to get in anywhere. But the chicks are probably pretty fucking cute. Didn't kill Higgins when he threw up on a bouncer's patent leather shoes.

Jeers:

No exhole will ever see the inside.

Cover:

1,000R (face control and other shite)

M:

Kuznetsky Most

Address:

Corner of Kamergersky and Petrovka

Cheers:

Some sad serf will stand over your glass table and continually wipe it down without windex, meaning it only gets more smudged and smeared. It's fun watching her wipe hopelessly because...

Jeers:

This is where the wrinkled, washed-up mid-90s elite come to drink tea and nibble bullshit food. More leathery, dumped molls than we ever want to see again. Features a wall full of glass-encased Italian shoes. Just so that the idiots can stare at them longingly. This must be the saddest place in Moscow, a museum of aging dorkadence. Come here to see where today's hip Most and Tsepellin crowd will wind up in three years.

M:

Mayakovskaya

Address:

Tverskaya-Yamskaya (where Karusel was, address soon)

Cheers:

Incredible 2-floor layout with glass dancefloor; ultra-cool, a mile deep in Gorky Park. Killer techno music. Would have been THE in place if this damn crisis-thing never happened. Has super-happenin' parties. Recently opened a large outdoor terrace for live music and photo exhibits.

Jeers:

This place is as dead as a certain ex-president's son--you know, the one who flew an airplane. That's how dead Park is. Beers are 150R each! Also, vulture-taxis charge $10 minimum to take you in and out of the park, for a mere 1-1/2 km ride. More pretentious Caesar-haircut assholes playing their bleeps and blips.

M:

Park Kultury

Address:

Gorky Park (ask a taxi to drive you there, or drive in yourself)

Cheers:

DJ Ojo from Garazh fame has his own top-notch elitny klub. This is one of the few snotty model-magnets that the eXile actually approves of. No entrance fee, reasonably-priced drinks, and quality Chinese food for under 10 dollars per entrée (make sure you try the Gongpo Chicken and Szechuan Beef). Located in the Lencom Theater where the flash-in-the-pan Dvorak used to be, Portfolio does dorkadence right. Quality DJs with a state-of-the-art system, babes o' plenty and nightly fashion shows, and overall casual feel. Thugs at door turned away a dorkadent kavazets yet still let Ames in, a first in Moscow.

Jeers:

Has a no-smoking dining section in the loft upstairs. Chicks are kind of unapproachable, so you may have to bring a meat hook.

M:

Chekhovskaya

Address:

M. Dmitrovka 6

Hours:

18:00 - 6:00

Cheers:

Vijay and The Shah are regulars here. "It's a place where you come to be seen, man," he explains. "You can see lots of model-level babes." "And you can see their pussies sometimes," adds The Shah. This is the moth-light that attracts Valentino-boutique-worshipping nouveaux riches Russians, and occassionaly, eXile editors trying to impress their dates. Professional service, mega-modern interior, delicious food items like sushi and fusion for reasonable prices.

Jeers:

Moe Snideman was served three shitty gin n' tonics in a row, none of which was a real gin Ôn tonic. The waitress and the manager all tried to blame Snideman for the fact that their gin was bad, for which he initiated action. No word yet on whether he actually wrote something in the Book of Complaints, but Moe's keeping a very hard, wary eye on them.

M:

Pushkinskaya

Address:

Tverskaya 18A

Cheers:

The very definition of dorkadence: a Eurotrash compactor with equal opportunity go-go dancers catering to fags and flamers alike. Not too expensive considering the pretentionsness of the crowd. Music loud enough to adapt a bad Nazi accent and convince chicks you are from das Fatherland before you fuck them. They still let us in free, even after the infamous October Ô98 eXile Crisis Party.

Jeers:

So fucking crowded now that you'd need a pipe bomb to blast your way to the front of the line. Modeled after the Russian image of what a hip Berlin club should look like. Nazis are never hip. Music that was outlawed in civilized countries years ago. Strong face control doesn't keep all the ugly girls out. Has a sauna upstairs, which really excites these New Russians.

M:

Sukharevsky

Address:

Ul. Gilyarovskogo 8 (go through archway of Prospekt Mira d.7, walk right, and look for the 3-story building with the Mercs parked out front)

Cheers:

Ha-ha-ha! This place is as dead as Sen. Henry Gonzalez.

Jeers:

eXile alert! Tsirk has been abandoned by the hipsters - could Vijay have destroyed its mojo?

Cover:

Free (super-duper strict face control)

M:

Tsvetnoi Bulvar

Phone:

729-4450

Address:

Tsvetnoi Bulvar 13

Hours:

Thu-Sat 23.00 - 6.00