By Dan Higgins
      I got to say, my only problem with Germany is those Germans. I mean, I've always thought they got the best bars in the world there - liters of quality beer, lots of wood, girls in braids. Sure the chicks are a bit too built from carrying all those liters around, but still. Shit, what else do you need? I mean, if I grew up having all that, I'd probably be the happiest guy in the world. They don't even have a drinking age.
     But Germans must have some law requiring that a three- foot pole gets inserted up their asses by the age of ten. I mean, this is a group of people who have to schedule around their weekly shits. "I vould luph to, Adolph, but I haph to drop a log tomorrow at sephen..."
     It's like a whole country of that one guy in every fraternity - you know, the gopher-bitch. In our chapter, we had this brother Chris, I swear he acted just like a Nazi. The dude never got too drunk and was always trying to take my keys away after I had a couple drinks. I fucking hate those anal retentive types. I mean, Chris was alright and all, but can you imagine an entire country of him?
     Anyways, my point is that German bars are pretty cool, but the people suck. And that's the kind of shit I was expecting when I went to this place SCHWEIN. I mean, it's been open for a while but no one knows shit about it, so I figured it's got to suck.
     They invited me there for the one-year birthday party last Sunday and I said what the hell. I have to say, it was-n't the shit hole I was expecting. Let me clarify - the public sucked, of course, but at least they weren't the fucking fascists I was expecting. It was pretty much a poor student crowd that comes to hear live music.
     The place is a little basement hole with lots of heavy wood furniture and all that German shit. They even claim to have some German beer on tap, but it was tapped when I got there. The menu's got plenty of large chunks of meat clinging to bone, for real cheap. It's my kind of food - none of this PC vegetarian shit.
     But fuck the menu, you are wondering what sort of loser goes to this place. Like I said, there were no Germans to be seen. Everybody there was dressed in fucking clothes from the early 90's. Not retro, just shitty Russian rags. Even the girls, some of which were pretty cute, were all stuffed into puke colored polyester and industrial strength bras. They weren't punk or anything, just mom never taught them how to dress.
     Still, if you looked deeper than the cheap-assed Turkish jeans, there were plenty of babes. And they were all totally wasted. Apparently the favorite cocktail there is called the "Schwein." It's pretty straight forward - half a bottle of vodka in a glass. So, you know I wasn't the only one there who was shit-faced.
     The MC was constantly announcing beer chugging contests and shit like that. The music was pretty goddamn cool, too.
     At first there was some wannabe group that played Pogues tunes. Actually, they were pretty fucking good, but their dumb-ass groupies pissed me off. There were these fags dressed up in skirts faking sword fights and a bunch of sluts hoping up and down pretending to be dancers. I don't know what the fuck was with that. God damn queers. I thought it was supposed to be a Nazi bar.
     Then Mr. Twister played and they totally rock. I don't know what it is about rockabilly, but as soon as they started, a couple chicks started rubbing up against me. Dude, how often does Higgins get to sit back and pick and choose? Not too fucking often.
     So, I had these two K-Mart mamas rubbing up against me with their beavers' tractor beams competing for my piece. Who cares if they weren't the finest specimens. There were two! What the fuck could I do? I introduced myself to one, then the other, then to each other. I was already having a total orgy in my mind. I was ready to jizz on the spot.
     But, alas, Higgins is no superman. The only time I had a two on one was right after I pledged for the Phi Delts, and that was just a couple sorority sisters doing their jobs. At least it was the uglier bitch who got offended and went off to trap someone else in her pussy's clutch. I woke up the next day with the other one next to me.
     It's like the old proverb. A bitch in the sack is worth two with clothes on.