Cheers:

Oh my, ladies! Moscow has opened non-dyke Womyn's Only club for everyone from secretaries to wild gals to hoot and catcall male strippers, get drunk, and not worry about getting taken advantage of by slobbering male clients like at other bars with male striptease acts. Each night features 10-12 malchiky, each unique in his own sexually-ambiguous way, flopping his johnson around in your face (actually, you don't get to see the unit itself). But...

Jeers:

The cocktails are horrifyingly expensive. And no wendeling. Men will attempt to seat themselves with giggling ladies, then order drinks and charge it to their tabs, so be on your guard. Guys' stage names were a turn-off to our eXile girls: Energichny Ilya (Energetic Ilya) and Igryny Steven (Gamey Steven) are two examples.

Cover:

350R (Womyn-only!)

Phone:

214-7311

Address:

Address: Leningradsky Pr. 30, Str. 2

Hours:

21.00 - 05.00 daily

Cheers:

Post remont strip joint is flashier than ever. Cool Jabba the Hut central stage, complete with chains and pole, split-level seating and friendly dyevs who warm up to you the minute you enter. Pro-family cover policy.

Jeers:

Overpriced table dances ($100 a pop), dyevs leave a little to be desired. Surly staff and security.

Cover:

$30 dollars

Phone:

287-2551

Address:

Prospekt Mira 116A

Hours:

19.00 - 07.00

Cheers:

It's already 4am and you're feeling unlucky. You regularly fantasize about narcoleptic interludes with drugged-out anorexics. Tasteful leopard-print upholstery.

Jeers:

There's no gong for the bad acts. Nearly impossible to take home the girls ($1000 is the reported price).

Cover:

Cover: Free for Americans with passports, $50 for all other male nationals.

M:

Ul 1905 goda

Phone:

252-5761

Address:

Krasnaya Presnya Ul., 23 B, Str. 1

Hours:

13.00 - 06.00

Cheers:

Swinging Vijay's favorite male striptease in town. A shower with a striper only sets you back R1500. Men rarely allowed in. Anything is availible for a price.

Jeers:

Women's only clubs should be packed with dykes, but this one only has 20-something New Russians. He-bitches sit next to you and order on your tab.

Cover:

weekends R150 dyevs, R700 guys (Nazi face control)

M:

Tverskaya, Pushkinskaya, Chekovskaya

Phone:

933-75-73

Address:

Tverskaya 10

Hours:

19.00 - 06.00 daily

Cheers:

Recently hosted the eXile's 100th issue party, and said to never have been hotter. The controversial Kursk Submarine contest in particular got the Russian juices-a-flowin'. Super-hot lapdancing stripper babes mix with the kryutiye bandity from the Taganka area to make Lexx a "Sight You Have To See" while in Moscow. If you've got a little bit of charm, and a lot of Peter The Greats, you might even be able to pay one of the girls lots of money to get to know her better.

Jeers:

Free, doped-up ravers got pushed out of town for this?

Cover:

600R (upstairs)

M:

Taganskaya

Phone:

Phone: 912-9187

Address:

Taganskaya Ul. 2 (on the side of the Torg-Tsentr pyramid monstrosity)

Hours:

09.30 - 6.00 (cafe-bar: 24 hours)

Cheers/Jeers:

See Higgins run!

Cover:

$25 (ruble equivalent)

M:

Arbatskaya

Address:

Novy Arbat 21

Hours:

always

Cheers:

Recently celebrated its 9th anniversary, making it perhaps the oldest club in town. Waytago, you crazy fucking Swedes. The king of Moscow's dyev-hunting grounds has just opened up a "business class" section. Guess what tha's about? We just discovered another reason to come here: if you want to drink all night around babes, feel confident, yet not get laid, come here, order a few drinks, and let the girls talk you up. You'll feel 100% better, we swear. Has returned to its glorious past: packed with babes, favorable ratios and abuzz. Night Flight is one place not hurting from the crisis: packed wall-to-wall with respectable expat businessmen and, er friendly as heck working girls. Sexy working ladies, and no shame in showing your face: the Swedish-managed staff is discreet, professional and attentive. THE favored place for married men on business trips to visit - many have given this place a "two hastily-removed wedding rings up!"

Jeers:

eXile alert! The Cartel now has set $200 as the minimum price, so pack a pair of Bens if you come. Also, drinks and entrance have risen in price. Tiny dancefloor means you just cut straight to the negotiations. If you bump into your boss, just say that you've come for the food [sic].

Cover:

600 rubles

M:

Tverskaya

Phone:

229-4165

Address:

Ul. Tverskaya 17

Hours:

Club 21.00-5.00; Restaurant 18.00-5.00

Cheers:

eXile alert! Moe Snideman recently came here and gave it one circumsized penis Way Up! Moscow's newest boner-popping underground club is back up and running after a temporary shutdown. The latest project from Jean Michel of Chesterfield and Voodoo fame is a sort of deliciously debauched Night Flight for locals - less expensive, less touristy, with more of a focus on the genuinely erotic rather than the transaction. Hands-on personal strip shows make all the difference. For more intimate encounters, there's a special "dacha" out back, with sauna, double beds, and shower, all for a measly 1,000R per hour. Drinks surprisingly inexpensive, as is the grilled restaurant menu upsatirs. Classy Asiatic madam makes our back hair stand on end.

Jeers:

These lap-dancing strippers are always expecting some kind of "present." No chance of meeting a nice expat girl here - wait a minute, that's not a jeer!

Cover:

250 rubles

M:

Chisty Prudy

Phone:

916-1879

Address:

Ul. Pokrovka 32-34 (near Coffee Bean)

Cheers:

Features a "Monica Lewinsky Cigar Room"; need we say more? Friendly and talented strippers and a "Crazy Menu," from which you can order everything from the song the girls dance to giving your waitress an hour or the night off, if you know what we mean, for multiples of VIP Currency Units.

Jeers:

Main dancefloor temporarily closed as part of the remont. Waitresses no longer have those deliciously low-cut dresses that show off their pert young thingies.

Cover:

Cover: Free (150R for men during concerts Fri.-Sat.; 600R for the strip club)

M:

Chekhovskaya

Phone:

924-8726

Address:

Strastnoi Bulvar 10, Str. 2

Hours:

18.00 - 6.00 (strip clun from 21.00)

Cheers:

If you get there when it's still free, it's worth it. More European-style strip joint, with Russian-style clientele. Awesome chicks.

Jeers:

Way too expensive; if you're not willing to throw your Ben Franklins around, you'll wind up with the "down" side of the Up and Down. High flat-head factor.

Cover:

Free entrance until 22.00, after that $10 for the 1st floor (disco, bar), $50 for the 2nd (restaurant, bar); free for expats.

M:

Park Kultury

Phone:

201-5070/-5291

Address:

Zubovsky Blv. 4

Hours:

Daily from 20.00 to 6.00