Kids, as you know, it's Christmas season again. For most of your lives, this has probably been your favorite time of year. Presents, colorful lights, holidays, and merriment abound.
You may even have written letters to Santa Claus, noting all the
good things you've done, innocently asking for Furbies, Sony Playstations, or
world peace. For children like you, nothing embodies the warm, joyous spirit of
Christmas more than Santa Claus. But there's one problem. There is no Santa Claus. He's a lie. A myth. His red-and-white image was created by Coca-Cola at the turn of the century in order to market their brand. The Santa Claus in the mall? Pull on his beard. Spray him in the eyes with a can of Silly String. He won't be so jolly anymore. The reason is that he's not Santa Claus. He's just a guy in a rented suit. A loser who can't get a job. Somebody who you or your parents would never talk to in normal life, and rightfully so. He has a name like Pete Rassmussen or Barry Pierce, not Santa Claus. You don't want to wind up like him. You want to succeed. And if you want to succeed, you have to start now by facing up to life's hard lessons. So stop making a fool out of yourself by believing in Santa Claus.
One of the keys to child success is having a leg up on your peers. You need to know more than they do. Knowledge is power. The more you know, the better grades you'll get, and the better your grades are, the more you will impress your superiors. Your superiors will take you under their wing and help you get ahead in the world. They will recommend you to a top private school, where you will join the budding elite, greasing your path into a top- notch university. This is the surest way to a successful career. By clinging to the lie that is Santa Claus, you will lose your teachers' respect and condemn yourself to mediocrity, whereas if you explain to them that you do not subscribe to the Santa Claus Lie, as it is known, then they will be more inclined to let you into their world. Even if the adult world is dry, exhausting and full of disappointment, the only other alternative is poverty, despair and failure. You do not want that. So get off of Santa's lumpy lap and start planning your career now, before you reach the second grade. It's never too early to start planning for success in today's competitive global environment.
Santa Claus is a lie, and an evil one at that. Have you ever noticed that Santa is an anagram for "Satan"? We did. And we want you to see that too. Say it out loud to yourself: "Santa is an anagram for Satan". Repeat it several times. Repeat it as you walk to school. Tell it to your teachers and parents. Tell it to all of your friends, your younger sister, the child learning his first steps. Santa Claus is evil. He makes you believe that reindeer can fly when in fact reindeer make good carpaccio; he makes you believe that he slides down a chimney and secretly delivers you gifts when in fact your parents take out backbreaking loans, spend long wasteful hours shopping and wrapping your gifts, never to be thanked by you, the ungrateful child, for putting them deeper into debt. You don't thank them because you thank Santa Claus instead, whom you wrongly believe delivered your gifts to you. You believe that happy elves worked for free to create those gifts, when in fact dwarves and midgets around the globe suffer from discrimination, poverty and health care problems of a sort you could not imagine. You cling to the lie of a fat, jolly, all-giving Santa Claus. And meanwhile, your parents lives fall apart around you.
Your father is having an affair right now because he cannot cope with the Christmas pressures. His stock portfolio is down 60% and he is in danger of not making his credit card payments. His company's revenues have taken a turn for the worst, meaning that his Christmas bonus may not materialize. Your mother knows about his affair but she is too afraid and depressed to confront him about it. She hopes that he will end it and return to her. She hopes because she has developed a cyst beneath her left breast. At first she will believe that it is treatable. A minor surgery and radiation will give her this hope. But a year later, the cancer will have metastasized to her lungs and bladder. She will die within a few months after learning this terrible news. How do you feel about that? What're you gonna do, run to Santa Claus and ask him to make mommie better? Tchya, right. She's a dead duck, Johnnie, and it's your fault. She tried to be a good mother and a successful career woman at the same time, but your birth, and your little sister's, made taking on both rolls intolerable.
While Christmas shopping and gift-giving is a key component of the global economy, your steadfast belief in Santa Claus makes you a fool and a loser. It is killing your mother and driving your father towards a mental breakdown. You may develop more slowly than other children if you still believe in Satan Claus. So don't.
This is the time of the year when you should start thinking about your future. Not about some loser in a rented costume. So do it. Stop lying to yourself, and start looking for a job. Before it's too late.