CUBAN EGO CRISIS
Dear eXile, This is my second to last day at the Dot.com hell hole. This afternoon I will make a final attempt to extort a severance package from this shit hole. The last thing I want to do is quit. Quitting is for pussies, getting fired is the only way to go. I've tried hard to get fired, but they just don't seemto care about my perverse antics. I suppose that discussing the finer points of fecal matter and lesbianism aloud to myself in the secretarial pool is no longer considered an offense. They all want my dick, so they probably didn't say a fuck-ing word. I will be in Cuba come January, fucking, writing, and drinking. The triage will once again come alive in more temperate climates and less demanding vaginas. For fucks sake, please print my articles. Nobody will publish me. I'm a blue-balled black sheep. Even if it is in a forgettable place underneath an ad for fat Russian she-male whores, give me a chance. Your readers deserve it. Shameless Ego Stroking: You guys are the best. You rule! Praise B. The eXile is the greatest paper ever... ever... really... seriously... no, I'm not lying! You were once where I am. I am once where you been. Give a kid a chance. Shit, my ego is so big that it is hurting me to be this humble. Merry Fucking Christmas, -Steubine

Dear Mr. Steubine, We were never where you've been. We only pretended to be like you so that you'd buy our book. Sucker.

DENT HER TEETH
Hello, My Russian fiancee's teeth are very brown, which is typical. They do not appear to be decayed and are straight. What should I anticipate in terms of dental work to brighten them? Can they be bleached? Is this something that can be done in Russia prior to her immigrating?
Thanks, Roy Bobovich

Dear Mr. Bobovich, We put together a team of the best Russian dentists and focused on your problem like a laser. Their conclusion: knock all of your fiancee's teeth out. Get really drunk first (you get drunk, not her!), then knock her teeth out with a broken Baltika-9 bottle. After that, reload her mouth with shiny silver metal replacements. As the saying goes, "When in Rus..."

LOVE LETTER
Hi Mark, you won't remember me, but I had a drunken encounter with you about two years ago that still leaves a nasty taste in my mouth - literally. After chomping on your smegma-crusted cock for fifteen minutes I gave up as you were too far gone to get wood. So I left. Shame. Anyway, I was looking through some old computer files recently and I found one called "Mark-limer" dated around the same time. What could it be, I wondered? This is what I found. There was a young editor of eXile, Whose pants were well-packed with projectile, He dipped too many labs, Got scabs, bugs and crabs, And now his love-rocket ain't erectile.
take care
Lena Dergun

Dear Ms. Dergun, Ames insists that your description of your evening with him sounds like one of literally hundreds he's had over the past couple of years. He thanks you for the beautiful verse and advises you to stop worrying about curable STDs, and rush immediately to the nearest clinic for an HIV test. The results might surprise you!

A READABLE LETTER
Editors, Looks like there's a bit of a conspiracy going here to promote loserdom with free Exile clothing. Judging from the Sic letters I have seen, people who bleat about being zeros and who jerk off a lot get T- shirts. I'll take that as a well developed sense of irony on your part, but I would still urge you to show a little balance on the matter. For example, I would get a kick out of shocking people by wearing your logo at the next corporate do or embassy Christmas drinks party I attend, even though I can hardly be described as a `loser'. Don't mean to brag, but I wear only made-to- measure a la mode gear from Tri Tolstyaka (yes, I know they usually cater to fatties, but in my case I'm much bigger up than out and they are the best at tailoring for that build), I drive a brand new Samara traded in every twelve months for new model (I have two inomarki back in the US, but I find Russian cars are the best cover here for a man in my position). I employ several female graduates from MGU at my office at Prospekt Vernadskovo who say I'm the best dammned boss they've ever known. I am also an honourary member of the Countrybar and cabaret club, where on the occasions when I do not have an attractive companion in tow, I get a 50 per cent discount on private lapdances and so forth. I also am on firstname terms with the ochin priyatnoye khozyain, if you'll excuse me for throwing in a little more Russian. And I don't jerk off a lot. Before you make some smart Alecky comments or putdowns cos you gotta (which I would naturally take with impunity - there's no needling a man who's happy with his lot), I want to just say I kind of regard yourselves and me as having a lot in common in this crazy place - we just can't help but stand out against a largely dreary landscape, leave our mark. It might bother me for reasons of compassion for the millions of ordinary people struggling to get by here, but then again, fuck `em. If you've got it flaunt it, that's what Moscow is all about, ni tak li? So come on guys, how `bout it?
Frank D. Payne Jr.

Dear Mr. Jr., We are not used to getting coherent, well-reasoned letters like this. We're so stymied that we're willing to give you an eXile T-shirt. Hurry and call Valya here before we come to our senses and ridicule you for being a disgusting fat fuck.

TRICK PATRICK
As a new comer, talking to some old timers and wondering how could your esteem flier loss money for so long and still survive financially, how do you pay for your expenses ? Finally we got it, it's the CIA . It is one of those contrived secret operations. Only the CIA can be so deceptive, brainless, unintelligent and the same time full of self satisfaction. To supplement your salary and pension from the CIA I am willing to bet that after your measureless book you are dreaming to make a movie about yourself ( typical American heroes ) and why not, you are good at what you do, that is wasting space, air and U.S.A tax payers money, as well as having fun doing it, what a nice government job you have. ( do they let you keep the money from the book ? ) For the new year we wish you that no sub-committee in Washington will discoverer that the CIA is financing another idiotic operation. K. Patrick

Dear Mr. Patrick, Judging by the grammar, we'd be willing to bet that this is actually Ajay Goyal up to his ol' tricks again. You ol' dog, you!

MISSING
Where's Limonov? Is he dead? In jail? What's up?
Thanks Michael Webster

Dear Mr. Webster, Limonov is crouching outside of your front door with a dozen pipe-totin skeen-headed pals. He'll wait until hell freezes over just to get the chance to bash your head in. Hope that answers your question.

THE GRUNGE WHO STOLE [SIC]MAS
I've bought your book, read it, marvelled (whoa..., hey..., cool...,shit...etc), and decided to check you out on the Net. How did I hear about the book? I didn't. . I got drunk Friday night (with some Russians I'll meet again), decided to extend some cultural friendliness and check out some books on Russia, yours popped out on the amazon.com's screen. I bought it. You bring back good memories and warm, fuzzy feelings. God, I've almost forgot how wonderful, fucked-up, crazy, innocent, insalubrious, interesting, lovable, political, immoral Eastern Europe is. I'd extend greetings from Seattle, but the hell cares about greetings from Seattle... Seattle is a happening place they all say, but who the fuck are they and what do they know. Seattle Shmeattle I say and let the spoon fall into the ice cream dish. Seattle is The Emerald City, The Portal to the Pacific, Rainy City, Eldorado.com, Yuppie Inc., Ecology.Net. Seattle is IT, as in sexless and idiotic, Information Technology for the technologically informed imbeciles who kill little green men on their computer screens on weekends and the only fuck they know how to perform royally is that of the cerebellum kind, and that only in business meetings. Anyway, cool book, I envy you (my bitterness factor is 9.5 on a 1 to 10 scale), I'll keep reading your articles on the Net, and sorry about the rant. It might happen again. ex Eastern European (you gave me some ideas though)
heliana

Dear Ms. Heliana, Don't "rant" to us again. Just envy us. It's a lot easier to take. Your attack on Seattle was, as they say, hard-hitting.

TRAKNUL TRAKHENKA
Dear Editors, Okay, so Kuchma is a corrupt asshole. Big fucking deal. One headless journalist is still a lot better than thousands of dead Chechens. And remember that that Georgian journalist was working with Ukraine's leftists, just as corrupt and twice as stupid (remember Tkachenko ripping off $70 million in agriculture aid and then threatening his accusers with espionage charges for working for the CIA?). If only 70 years ago another Georgian working with Ukraine's leftist traitors would have been found headless in some woods...
Maxim Trakhenko

Dear Mr. Trakhenko, Here's a Ukrainian nationalist syllogism: "All Georgian journalists who support Ukrainian leftists should have their heads chopped off. Grigory Gongadze was a Georgian journalist. Therefore, all Ukrainians live in the poorest country in Europe."

CHODE TO A NIGHTINGALE
Editors, You guys are fucking awful. Ames, quit your bitching about your fucking crabs. You ain't seen shit until you shoot scabies out of your clap-filled piss! Taibi, your prose is on the level of an aborted fetus. Readers, if you don't believe me, buy their fucking glorified toilet roll on amazon.com. You cunts can lick my sweaty shit encrusted chode.
Jurgen

Dear Jurgen, That wasn't nice. Can't we all just learn to get along?