THE RETURN OF THE|
In order to understand the "new realism" between Russia and America, you've got
to understand the psychology that under-pins the ideology. Who are the
Republicans really, and why do they seem to derive such thinly-disguised sexual
pleasure from their Bismarkabee shtick.
I'm here to tell you why. The Republicans are the party of nerds. If you understand that, then you understand everything about this administration, its policy and its constituency. What we are witnessing is not "new realism" but "new nerdism", a "revenge of the nerds" on an Imperial scale. This is not a laughing matter. The thing about nerds, as we at the eXile can personally attest, is that they are dangerous, sick people. Sure they're funny and cute when they're spilling sloppy joes on their plaid shirts or getting taped to the flag pole. But in the adult world, nerds are a menace to civilization. They have no place running anything beyond the borders of their bedrooms. Because nerds respect nothing beyond the stale biscuit odor of their closets, and the comforting urine scent of their mattresses. That is their only reality, their only real friend. The only world that was ever accepting and forgiving. The rest of this planet is hostile, horrible, unbearable. Don't be fooled by nerds; as children, they pose as harmless, shy, sensitive souls, but in reality, in the darkness of their minds, nerds dream about administering concentration camps and conducting lengthy interrogations using a variety of curved instruments. The scars of teenage and twenty-something nerddom never heal, no matter how much acceptance they may gain later in life. Richard Nixon is a perfect example of this.
When they grow up, American nerds find that there is a great big home for them. A political party that adulterates the fantasy-rhetoric and collective unconscious of the nerd. That party is the Republican Party. It is little more than an open-air asylum for perverts, impotents, closet homosexuals, cross-dressers, born-again Christians, chronic masturbators, Caucasian crackheads, pedophiles, rapists, racists, Risk addicts, conspiracy theorists, fetishists - that, my friends, is a snapshot of the Republican Party.... And I'm only on the proverbial "letter A" of this alphabet of mental abortions. I should know. I was a card-carrying Republican from 1984 until 1991. That was an awful period for me, sexually and otherwise. After that things went from troubled to horrific. Sometime around the Gulf War, I fell completely off the sexual/political map. I became such an irredeemable loser and deviant that no major political party could possibly accommodate me. Not even a leper orphanage like The Republican Party. I officially canceled my party membership and started getting seriously into the idea of separatism. I was a party of one, ready to take up arms in order to found a Republic of California. If only I could get out of the bedroom I was living in at my father's, I was sure I'd ignite an historic uprising... Blood would stain the beaches from Mendicino to La Jolla. I had plans, baby. Plans.
Only over the past few years, thanks to the kind services of so many well-meaning dyevushki, have my politics become more rational. Well maybe not my politics, but at least my ability to judge what's right, and separate that from what I'd like to see happen. That's what distinguishes me from the common Republican. At least I know that I'm not in any shape, mentally or morally, to run things.
Let's face it: in American politics, the Democrats are the only healthy political party. Democrat supporters are, as a rule, healthy, balanced people. With a lifetime of healthy, active sex lives under their belts. That's why, at some visceral level, I hate the Democrats. I can't help it. I hate them, I hate being around them, I hate watching them and I could never in my life imagine voting for one. But I am sober enough to understand that that is wrong of me.
People like Bill Clinton and Jesse Jackson and John F. Kennedy have active sex lives; people like Nixon and Reagan dream of getting urinated on while dressed in pink tutus and titanium- plated stiletto heels - or worse, they dream of nothing at all.
Most of Hollywood, America's aristocracy, is Democratic. They're Democrats because they've succeeded. Among them, only the most sexually deviant entertainment barons (Marilyn Manson, David Lynch) are admitted Republicans.
That Republicans can win elections only brings to light something we at the eXile have been trying to tell you all along: The American People are for the most part mental mutants, half-baked sex offenders, wannabe degenerates. They are nerds without the guts to Dahmer their way through life, so they vote for Republicans to vicariously Dahmer for them. The previous three Republican presidents were snitches, that ultimate nerd profession; the newest is merely a Son of a Snitch. They steal elections, stain their mattresses with plans for missile shields, invent enemies where none exist, and enjoy raping the environment of a planet they abhor. For nerds and their Republican representatives, there is no greater rush than raping Mother Earth, the matron of this hellish world - every time a coral reef shelf dies, or a rain forest disappears, the nerd thinks to himself, "The bitch had it comin'!" Nothing gives a nerd-Republican more satisfaction than hearing Mother Nature's healthy tree-hugging sons and daughters squeal.
Healthy people want everyone to get along. They actually enjoy life, they think that God's Plan for us is pretty good. That's why the Democrats' whole approach to Russia was to make them our friends. The Republicans, on the other hand, could-n't score in a provincial whorehouse, and they know it. They haven't engaged in healthy missionary-position sex since the invention of the water closet, and no longer care to either. So they've got a different agenda with Russia. A nerd's agenda. It involves Risk-like geopolitical color-in-the-map games, apocalyptic threats which they never intend to carry out, weapons buildups and lots of reading and citing of other Bismarkabee nerds like Henry Kissinger, Dmitri Simes and the like. They need to scrape down a few levels into the dark recesses of their unconscious to get a rise out of life. That's why for them, repressed hostility is a desirable state of affairs. Hostility is a kind of S&M game, a B&D party. It's the only narrative that inspires a Republican to get out of bed.
Like it or not, the people who now run the foreign policy show in the U.S. - degenerates like the alarmingly single Condaleezza Rice and obvious urine fetishists like Donald Rumsfeld and Dick Cheney (ever wonder how his daughter became a turbo dyke!) - get off on the idea of having a big bad enemy whom they know they can beat. Even more, they love to hold press conferences in which they issue speeches which are supposed to be menacing in their reserve. Since nerds tend to be hysterical by nature, they dream of nothing more than scaring people with unemotional, laconic threats. They enjoy threatening Russia with a New Hostility just as much as sexually confident jocks like Bill Clinton and Michael McFaul enjoyed the concept of a devoted, grateful Mother Russia.
And what scary timing too, because the Republicans come to power just as Russia's own King of the Botaniki has consolidated his dictatorship. Putin is such an over-the-top botanik that it's hard to believe he doesn't wear giant coke-bottle glasses with tape on the bridge. Thank his wife for that - and for sticking him in those ridiculous oversized blue boutique suits, one of the saddest attempts to camouflage a nerd that modern man has ever witnessed. Just consider Putin's nerd qualifications: he's a short, squeaky-voiced, chinless despot who offered himself up as a snitch way back in high school, starts a war his first day in office, flies around in a boss-o jet, and awkwardly appropriates the language of authentically scary bandity ("we'll bust a cap up their asses while they're taking a dump!"). But the biggest giveaway of all is Putin's lifelong obsession, the obsession of all downtrodden nerds: karate. What nerd didn't take karate? Or rather, what healthy, tall, sexually successful jock ever did?
After millions of nerds wash through the human cycle, eventually it was bound to happen that one karate-chopping twerp would seize control of a nuclear arsenal. The scary thing is that now, he's squaring off against an even more powerful force of twerps on the opposite side of the Atlantic.
So this is it, the Great Nerd Showdown that every playground geek dreamed of. The ultimate Revenge of the Nerds. Twerp Versus Botanik. No matter what they say or do, remember one thing. Had a few girls just been a little nicer to people like Rumsfeld, Rice and Putin, we would never have found ourselves at this perilous moment in history. And come to think of it, we would have never had this newspaper either.