Welcome, eXholes! If you were paying attention in the last issue, you probably noticed that our own resident football genius, Vladimir "Red" Lenin, correctly predicted the outcome of both conference championship games. The famed creator of the "East Coast Offense" went into those games unashamed of his open advocacy of the Baltimore Ravens as the ideologically supe- rior team in the league; after the Ravens whipped the Raiders, his beliefs were confirmed at last.

But there is a reason why human beings seek great leaders in their lives. Some of us out there can take care of ourselves quite well, thank you, two weeks out of every month. Others can be sharp as a tack 11 months out of the year. But only the great ones have a steady hand for all 365 days. Only the true leader of men feels rooted to the spot when the weight of the moment makes others flee. And that is why it is precisely at Super Bowl time that the world needs the guidance of Vladimir Ilych-who has been to the big game, and breathes its air as does a man who knows he belongs.

This is the great moment of history, and Coach Lenin is ready. Without further ado, here is his surprising call for the upcoming game:

Monday, January 28
Baltimore Ravens at New York Giants 2:37 a.m. Sportland time

There comes a time when we must not only understand intellectually, but feel instinctively, and with every fiber of our being, the justice of the equation: One step forward, two steps back.

The Baltimore Ravens are, unquestionably, the team of socialism. They are socialist in their makeup and in their personnel; they win in the socialist way, which is to say, without scoring. Their opponent, the New York Giants, is- despite all appearances-a thoroughly imperialist team by its nature. No team from New York can ever honestly fight for the cause of socialist revolution; their large-market capitalist bias always shows through eventually. The good socialist therefore uses the New York team to serve his ends, but does not rely upon it, as he is bound to be betrayed. That said, I should state emphatically that in this upcoming battle between the forces of socialism and the forces of reaction, socialism not only will lose, but must and should lose. It is imperative that the Baltimore Ravens not play beyond their current abilities and defeat this capitlist monster, awaking him to the building threat. No, what instead must happen is that the favorite must win, and win decisively. Then, while capitalism celebrates and flounders in its own corrupt excesses, socialism will regroup. We will attack again when we are ready to win the whole world, and not just the Super Bowl game.

This is the logic of history. One roots for the Ravens because the Giants are the favorites-one roots against the winner. But the time to really root for socialism is when it is, itself, ready to win. It is not yet there. But in defeat, it will bring itself closer to that inevitable moment.

One must always root for the winner, even when one roots for the loser.
PICK: Giants