OYE! IN THIS ISSUE, THE eXile WOULD LIKE TO WELCOME "SERGIO, THE LATINO DANCER" AS OUR GUEST [sic] LETTER ANSWERER. HEÕS ONE BAD VATO AND A HELLUVA DANCER, SO WATCH YOUR LIPÑAND YOUR HIPS!

WHO AM I?
I found your pages on the net, but they don't look current. Am I looking at a old link?
-Bob

Dear Mr. Bob, Sergio the Latino Dancer says, "Hey, mang. Wha thuh fuck jyou writin estupido letters like dis, mang? Open jyour fuckin eyes, mang. Da fuckin site is current, mang."

TO B92 OR NOT TO B92
Incredible writing, Mark. Thanks for taking the time to post your views and Kosovo experiences at B92. I have learned.
Ed Rosenberg USA
Dear Mr. Rosenberg, Sergio the Latino Dancer says, "Hey mang, jyou wanna see suthin' really incroyible, mang? Watch me dance to fuckin Ricky Martin, mang. Djou will fuckin learn, mang. Comprende?"

EMAIL SUICIDE
Greetings: Gentlemen, do you know E-mail address for Roman Abramovich? Or any other ways of communicating with him, I will be obliged should you be able to assist.
Regards, I am Sincerely Jeff

Dear Mr. Jeff, Abramovich, mang? He think he fuckin bad, mang? Badder than me, Sergio the Latino fuckin Dancer, mang! I fuckin bad, mang! Pu' that maricon mutherfucker on the dancefloor at Voodoo Lounge mang, I show that malaca who's bad. Me and hi', mang, one on one, dirty dancing, mang. He don't look so tough now, mang!"

MY WIFE LOVES BLACK MEN
Dear Mr. Ames, Actually, the only "asses" the blacks in SA are getting medeival on is their own. More blacks have lost their lives in the past 8 years alone than the forty-six that followed the establishment of aparthied (happy?). And it isn't going to get worse before it gets better - it's only going to get worse. As Richard Whatley put it: "He who is unware of his ignorance will be only misled by his knowl-edge." You're a poor excuse for a subhuman being Mr. Ames.
Jerry Davies

Dear Mr. Davies, Actually, the blacks in SA are getting medieval on your wife's ass. And the weird thing was how much she likes it. "You know," Mrs. Jerry Davies told the eXile recently, "Jerry never got medieval or even post- industrial on my ass. But these Kwazulu and Inkatha men sure know how to do it. I guess that's why I never really loved my white trash husband Jerry Davies so much. He was always afraid. He worried that I loved anal sex with black men, so he made us leave South Africa for America. What he doesn't know is that even here I find what I'm looking for." For that, your wife has just won a [sic] T- shirt. Still want to write us another racist letter, asshole?
[picture of Mrs. Jerry Davies getting fucked in the ass by a black man]

DIGGIN HIGGINS

Dear Mark and Matt, The attached picture should describe how all eXile readers I know feel about Dan Higgins. You have a choice to make... lose him and keep your readers, keep him and lose your readers.
Ahmad

DOLAN
have you done to my buddy, Dolanski? Given him an over dose of heroin? Take care of him. We are old. Tell him that Sheila wants him to check his e-mail.
Ruhhead

Dear Mr. Ruhhead, Sergio the Latino Dancer says, "Wha' da fuck jyou talkin about, mang? Who da fu' is Sheila, mang? Is she a hot babe, mang? Maybe she wan'a dance wi' me, Sergio. I show her, how real mang dance, mang."

ANGELA'S ASSES
Dear Editors, As I sit in my comfortable leather arm- chair and sip fine cognac, I can not help but hear your desperate soul(less) screams reach- ing to me across the English channel. Your newspaper is so full of venom, so tired of screams in a raspy desperate voice of a recently homeless man. He, not unlike your- selves, has not yet fully grasped the horrible reality the life had dealt him. Of course you may assume, that because I am British, wealthy and have a keen eye for human suf- fering, I deserve a healthy dose of your semi- literary abuse. Your venom has expired, gen- tlemen. Please check the date on the label. It probably reads "1987" and as the twin "New Order" CD pack by the same name spins in your maladjusted heads, the vivid hallucina- tions take over. The grandeur of literary hooliganism? You can do better than that. Reach deep into your tired neural network. Remove that rancid piece of lint from your bellybotton. Scrape that crusty old tampon from the back of your bed. And get to work! Try yourselves under assumed names and see if you get published. I know you will. And although I personally loathe you, above all, I believe in you.
Kindly yours Frank McCormick

Dear Mr. McCormick, Sergio the Latino Dancer says, "Wha' da fuck is a British, mang? Some kinda maricon muthufucker? Some kinda flat-foot, cheese-dippin faggot, eh mang? I tell you one thing, mang. Sergio don't dance to no fuckin New Order. I dance to my man Santana, mang. I dance to Gloria Estefan, mang. Don' tell me, Sergio, tha' I dance to no fuckin New Order. Jyou wanna go to war wi' me, mang? I meechjou on any dancefloor, jyou fuckin cockaroach. I show jyou who the maricon who listenin to New Order, mang."

BRIT-ANY STEERS
Having recently turned to Jesus, I have cut down my Olga count to seven, and can count my Katyas on one hand. My girlfriend count has reduced to low double figures... I also only bottom feed on the rare occasion. My friends think I have reformed. I have found spiritual happiness. God bless my friends.
A Reformed Brit.

Dear Mr. Brit, Sergio the Latino Dancer says, "What's this, another Brit, mang? Don' go talkin caca de toros abou' my mang Jesus, mang. Jyou some sick fuckin bastard, mang."

BITCH, WHAT WENT WRONG?
Mark, Your last article concerning the state of the economy was excellent. Have you read Deterring Democracy by Noam Chomsky, or, America What Went Wrong?, by Donald L Barlett, & James B Steele? What you wrote seems dead on. It's a scary time. Please keep us informed. 2001 gives me the creeps. I'm afraid of America and her SUV world. Hope the test results were in your favor. Truly pls keep writing pieces that tie into the state of world politics. It's a mess, and you have always seen the fuck all side of things. Lori P.S. You're right US= recession...we did it to ourselves, in a country of vampires and GWB elect.

Dear Ms. Lori, Sergio the Latino Dancer says, "Hey, sweetheart. I like tha' name Lori, mang. Maybe we do the meringue together, mang. You have nice titties? Maybe you send me, Sergio the Latino Dancer, a picture of your titties, mang."

PEE-NUTZ
Dearest Exile Editor, I'm developing a new comic strip. Any comments?
brian

TAIBBI'D AT BIRTH
here's one for you.... DC councilman David Catania and... Matt Taibbi... check it out