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As you all may or may not know,
there is a new HUNGRYDUCK on the
horizon. Well, maybe not that fucking far away, but it is on Altufievskoe
Shosse. I mean, it took me two fucking hundred Ruble notes to get there. Who
the hell would put a club so far out? As if there aren’t plenty of sluts in the
center of town.
That’s what I was thinking at
first. On the other hand, it says it’s the Hungry Duck and so obviously I was
pretty fucking interested in checking the place out.
You’re thinking, what’s with the
name, I mean, is it or isn’t it the Duck? I don’t fucking know either. The
thing is, some short fat dude - Vitaly, I think - who manages or owns or does
something at the new Duck tried to explain it to me, but I wasn’t really
listening. I had my sights set on other aspects to the story, if you know what
I mean.
He told me some story about a
split in the management and that the new Duck is the real Duck. I don’t know,
though, that shit was a bit too philosophical for me. I wanted to know about
the pussy factor. That is the real test of a Duck. I mean, if it looks like a
slut, talks like a slut and fucks like a slut, it’s probably at the Duck. Or
something like that.
Don’t get me wrong, this Vitaly
guy was alright, he didn’t mind that I had brought a couple brothers with me.
But I didn’t come for a fucking history lesson. Who the fuck cares who owns a
place if there aren’t any bitches around. Well, were there? I’m getting to
that.
Anyway, so the new Duck is way the
fuck out of town, like one of those fucking places where they haven’t
discovered electricity yet. And the building doesn’t look too likely either.
Everything dates back to the fucking Commies, you know.
I’m thinking - before I even open
the fucking door - that the brothers I came with are going to give me shit
forever about this place. I mean, it hardly looked like the place every
American man dreams about.
But hell, I’m thinking, at least
we’ve gotta get a couple drinks. I don’t turn down free drinks. Anyway, on the
outside the place is still called Vulcan or something like that, but the
bouncer told me that I had found the Duck. So, what the fuck, we went in.
And I suddenly understood the
Genius of my man Vitaly. I was thinking, they should make this guy an honorary
Phi Delt or something. You see, what the guy had done was given us Westerners a
door to a honey pot we don’t see too often.
The new Duck was splatter painted
with neon colors that were all glowing under a spotlight. This shit was the
perfect fucking bait to get all those provincial bitches that we so rarely find
in the middle of Moscow. I mean, this Duck is the key to as much provincial
pussy as you could want. And it’s like I say, who the fuck gives a shit what
they are wearing if they are going to get naked anyways.
I’m telling you, sluts galore. I
was in the smelly ass bathroom mouth fucking some bitch before I even had time
to get drunk. And she fucking swallowed it all. That’s right. A fucking quickie
in the bathroom. That kind of shit doesn’t happen too often. Even to a guy like
me.
But that isn’t even all of it. I
wasn’t even close to done. Once I got back out to my friends, I lost the chick
- I mean, what did I need with her fucking ripe breath? We start boozing it up
and within half an hour the whole fucking place knows that we’re Americans. The
word spread like fucking crabs, man.
Even if the place wasn’t as packed
as the old Duck gets, it had the fucking ratios going for it. I mean, guys were
outbitched maybe four to one. And Americans, well, we were it baby.
I got my hand on every fucking
chick’s ass there. They tried to resurrect some of those stupid Duck traditions
like that fucking Rod Steward song and dance. The waiters run around in
familiar Duck t-shirts. But whatever.
I mean, honestly, it isn’t the
fucking nasty sweaty Duck on Kuznetsky. I mean that place is too crowded to
have a chick go down on you in the bathroom. But this new Duck is fucking
nasty. And that is what counts.
Let me just say one more thing. My
friends didn’t go home alone that night and neither did I. That’s right. Two
bitches, one club, one night. What the fuck else can a guy dream about??