Dear Editor,
     You're right. Republicans are the party of nerds. We Democrats are well adjusted and have great sexual lives. Our policy of just wanting to be friends with Russia has been very healthy and successful. Our Gore-Chernomyrdin Commission was a big success. We also admired the way that Russian battalion rushed into Kosovo when we were bombing the hell out of Serbia. Of course, we would have welcomed more Russians, but our new NATO partner Hungary turned back a union of friendship between Russian paratroopers and Western Forces.
     In addition, I'm glad you understand that the GOP is nothing more than a bunch of twisted perverted fucks. I'm surprised that more haven't been caught turbo-dyking, running fag whorehouses with queer male lovers out of their homes or driving off a bridges drunk with sloshed chicks strapped in nice and tight in the passenger seat. Hell, next thing you know they'll be using the son of a guy who stole a U.S. presidential election to try and steal a U.S. presidential election.
     Sincerely,
     Susan Estrich
     Barney Frank
     Ted Kennedy
     P.S. - I liked your rumination on Karate and the nerd mind. That was very clever.
    
     Dear Messrs. Estrich, Frank and Kennedy,
     If we wanted you to write a fringy column exposing Repub-licans as nerds, we would have asked you. That's our job. What we don't want are half-baked letters worshipfully repeating pearls of wisdom gleaned from our pages. It fills us with shame and reminds us how we're not really as original or fringy as we thought we were. Please, just buy another copy of our book or keep quiet and help us rack up hits on our web site. But don't bring us down.

Tell your miserable excuse for a webmaster that those rollover icons fuck up in most browsers and have for years. If he can pry the sticky pages of his JavaScript Bible apart, he might be able to figure it out)
     Duane Moody
    
     Dear Mr. Moody,
     By making reference to our webmaster's allegedly "sticky" JavaScript Bible, you are implying that he masturbates. And not only that he masturbates, but that he masturbates into his computer books. That is a slanderous lie. Our webmaster does not masturbate, nor has he ever masturbated in his life. He gets laid. By chicks. Real chicks. Every day, two, three, five chicks. Sure, upon climaxing, he reaches into his vast technical library and ejaculates into his JavaScript Bible, but this is only because he does not want to infect his sex partner with a deadly disease. Before making spurious accusations against our webmaster, please, in future, check your facts.

u fucker all u mother fuckers talk shit about albanians i u like Belgrade how are u going to like albania and i want u to writte me and say how u like ALBANIANS and i never wrotte this kinda E-mail but now i am mad
     Aridelpiero@cs.com
     hey shithead u cant fuck an albanian pussy cause ur too fucking ugly u can only fuck ur dirty pussies in moskow for $ 2.00
     Aridelpiero@cs.com
    
     Dear Mr. Albanian-man,
     Those are beautiful sentiments. If ever we need reminding as to why we spent billions and killed hundreds to free Albanians from the Serbian yoke, then these precious, soulful words of yours have achieved that task. We apologize if we diverted you from a day out on the Kosovo fields, bludgeoning lone Serbian pensioners or planting grenade booby-traps in Roma farm houses. Please, go back to doing that voodoo that you do so well. We'll just dab the tears from our eyes and sleep better knowing that we have served the cause of Justice.

Dear Mark Goebbles,
     I would like to shank your shashlik for your wildly disinformative and roundly incorrect views of the American 2 party system. I shall offer a bitter analysis of your pulpit, religion, and worship style.
     Let's start by ripping up your liberal bible. It is as much a false truth as "I love you" or "peace, man" ever was. What kind of a supposedly alterno-rag editor digs into his ass and comes up with the very polished gem sold a thousand times every day by every mainstream press geek on the planet? Lets face it, liberals in the press are not alterno... They are bleeding-heart liberal. Insanely, blindly, flamingly liberal from Ted Turner to each bicycle delivery boy. Fine, if you had something original to say about it, but you didn't. Your piece attempts the laughable angle of finding a difference between the two parties. Oh really? And you go on to say that the difference revolves around the sexual deviance / sexual maturity pole. How alterno! If the argument truly revolves around sexual deviancy, then explain Hilary... or Monica. Quite the deviantly attractive fat ankles they have if you ask me.
     If you are as duped by the mainstream press to believe that liberals have anything to offer that is better than the conservatives, then you are stupid enough to belive the born-again entrapreneurs when they talk about an even playing field.
     Why not just be like all the rest of your insider wanna-be colleagues? Chant your idealism and blame the mirror side of yourself whenever you fuck everything up! Just remember, if you support the wacky Dems over the wacky Republicans then you can't be alterno, dude! The only way you can be alterno is to be something... Alternative.
     True, you and that other false prophet Clinton have a lot in common, but it ain't a sexual pole you revolve around. It is the golden toilet. Both of you have been sitting on your throne for 8 years. He in the oral office and you on your eXile alterno-cubicle. Brothers in power, however disparate, are still brothers in power.
     It was the eXile that said support of the Yeltsin regime by the press is what lost Russia, right? Well, for what golden shine did you trade that dirty truth? Let's look at your text. Now the Democrats are, summarizing, "nice people who want to get along with Russia." Really alterno stuff, man. What a risky position. Like we can't get enough of this spoon-fed to us already, man.
     I think I will now go masturbate while reading Newsweek.
     Thank you,
     Christian Courbois

     Dear Monsieur Courbois,
     We just have one question: what the heck does this word "alternative" mean? It sounds pretty fringy.

Dear Editor,
     In the last issue of Exile there was a letter from Ahmad who is suggesting you to lose Higgins in order to keep your readers. Well, I wouldn't completely agree with that.
     You see Ahmad and your friends, you have to take Higgins as he is, a typical American brand. For him, the best party can only be in an American bar with fat waitresses, the best music is country, the most sophisticated drink is beer and the most delicious desert is Mc Donald's apple pie. He is fucking American! Don't blame him for that! I would be more considered about the fact that these fucking cowboys are ruling the world. How the fuck can they say what is right and wrong if they don't even know that the olive oil is not made out of bananas and that Russia is not on African continent. But this is already another case.
     Therefore, to come back to Higgins and Exile, I have to say that his column is usually the first one I read when I get the fresh paper to my hands. I really enjoy it. The guy can even make me smile! Somehow, I also feel with him, as my and my friends Moscow nights have pretty much the same schedule.... And nevertheless, he is honest and he at least admits that it was his passport who fucked all those djevusky.
     Therefore, my dear Ahmad and your friends, what Higgins is writing about is fuckin' Moscow reality, whether you like it or not. But Higgins you can not blame - it was not his fault that he was born in a dreamland America.
     Dear Editor, let Higgins stay and keep you readers!!!
     Dule, Europe
    
     Dear Mr. Dule,
     Dan Higgins says, "Dude, you fuckin' rock. Are there any bitches in Europe that I can fuck, or are they all hairy-legged tree-hugging dykes? Higgins wants to know."

Dear Editor,
     Please consider reprinting Mumia Abu-Jamal's columns from death row in 'The Exile'.
     Sign up to receive Mumia's regular columns by email at http://www.MumiaBook.com or reply to this message.
     These columns may be reprinted and/or distributed by electronic means, but only for non-commercial use, and only with the inclusion of the following copyright
     information:
     The columns are also available as Adobe PDFs and Word DOCs at
http://www.MumiaBook.com/mumia/column.asp
     on a move,
     Joe Hine
     sample column:

By Mumia Abu-Jamal, M.A.
     #486 Column Written 12/21/2000
     A mere mention of the place-name "Philadelphia" is sufficient to evoke a host of images upon the mind, a mix of myth and mayhem; the differences between what one is taught, and what one has learned from the lessons of life.
     To many, Philadelphia means the Liberty Bell, Independence Hall, and the staging ground for what came to be called the American Revolution. [At this point, we the editors had to stop reading this Beigeist tripe.]
    
     Dear Mr. Hine,
     Hey, like that "on a move" sign-off. Sounds really "streety," which in itself is a pretty "alternative" thing. As for Mumia, as far as we're concerned, the fucker's guilty. Guilty of being an incredibly bland writer for someone on death row, and probably guilty of killing that asshole cop. Not that we're against killing brutal cops, but let's face facts: there're a lot more deserving people of our pities and attention than this NPR poster boy. Good luck trying to milk him for a buck!

You bunch of cunts. You sit there preaching about the state of the country you happen to be living in because your own country found you too repulsive to acccept. Be lucky that you have found a nasty little hole in which you can rest your maggoty little bodies in peace. I visited your town and found it full of disgusting little benders like you who were so shit they'd been thrown out of their own countries, but had managed to inflate their egos back up by convincing themselves that whores actually fancied them.Theyre all whores, and their all laughing their asses off at you. Fuck off and die, and stop producing offensive bollocks, which just convinces Russians that the west is as stupid and disgusting as they thought it was
     georgehyuii@yahoo.co.uk
    
     Dear Mr. .uk,
     Why would you call us "cunts"? That's not nice. By calling us "cunts", you are implying that we are sweaty, yeast-infested cavities of slime. In fact, we are sweaty, crab-infested balls of slime.

Dear Wal-Mark and Matt finish,
     Congratulations on marking the new Millenium with your new publication, "eXile Lite". Your four pages of news were a welcome change from the lurid advertisments promoting unhealthy behaviour. The paper quality was also thin, so thin that Ian Schier's kittens would turn their little moist noses up at it should it ever grace their tray. (If they can get the scotch tape off their midriffs).
     Good to see too, that you make savage attacks on alcohol and chemical abuse, lewd and loud behaviour, and irresposible sexual conduct. Yes, one must always pack one's trusty dental dam when chewing the periwinkle.
     Your account of the horrors of racism and brutality in a Moscow police station was also well received. I am sure there's a nice job in Bush's new America just waiting for you.
     Ade Werker.
     PS: At least there was one good pic of Jenna playing the pink oboe.
    
     Dear Mr. Werker,
     So what you're saying is that we're not "alternative" enough? Damn, we've got to get to the drawing board and figure out this alternative thing that our readers are so keen on, before we fall behind on what's hip with the kids! Our cred is at stake here!