Oh shit, folks. It ain't gonna happen. The eXile's 4th year anniversary party is not to be. Rumors that officials in Putin's administration are behind the party cancellation debacle are probably just that: rumors. Nonetheless, we cannot rule anything out at this time. The party cancellation is one of the greatest disappointments of our lives, something that will weigh on all of us for decades to come. Here's what happened: An IKEA official intervened at the last minute to cancel our one-of-a-kind party in the patio furniture section of the superstore. All of Moscow's eXholes were gearing up for this super-doozy like nothing ever seen before, but lo and behold, it turns out that the Superstore closes at 9 p.m., which is just too early for eXholes who like to par-tay. No one is more disappointed than Duran Duran frontman Simon LeBon, who had eagerly agreed to play an unplugged set at our party and even adjusted his tour schedule around it. He is said to have completely trashed his hotel room at the Katerina Hotel upon hearing that IKEA had canceled our party. "I'll never shop at IKEA again!" he is said to have screamed. We don't expect a massive boycott of IKEA products due to this sad event, nor do we wish to see a mob of drugged-up eXile readers descending upon the Khimki superstore carrying weapons of criminal intent such as chains, broken bottles and blunt instruments. No, we believe now is the time to take a deep breath and not let emotions run high. Just settle down, think about what you're doing, and make sure that whatever decision you make, you know it's the right decision. Anyway, we'd like to thank everyone out there for still reading us. "Still Crazy After All These Years" indeed. We're still crazy, and we're still the phat-ast, most indy/alternative/edgy nutz this side of Prague. Word? And hey, just in case you're all depressed and feeling bad and stuff, remember: There's always next year.
          Yanderboi is some kind of nutty Hungarian guy from Hungary who plays a mixture of trip hop and lounge muzak, and he's said to be real popular with the quirky Central European boho set. Expect lots of critics, music journalists and bearded intellectuals in tweed coats to see this show. Not that you won't want to lay them, since after all you're an eXhole and you'd lay a dead nutria if you had to.
     Folks, we don't know the specifics, but we know the general deal here: pure alcohol-soaked mayhem. The legendary Marty Party all began when some crazed bitch tried to stab him way back in the glorious Duck Dayz, and Doug was so pissed off that Marty lived that he decided to make the Marty Party an annual event in the hope that next time, the bitch won't fuck it up. Your job is to show up and get the birthday boy so stinking drunk that he can't even walk - something that Metelitsa's bookies have already listed as 1:infinity odds. Probably he'll give out lots of free drinks to U, and probably, he'll get stabbed again. Blood, alcohol and death: it's just another night in Moscow. Come help celebrate with one of the fellas who's helped make it all possible, will ya?!
     Folks, one of the greatest new innovations in Moscow Babylon has arrived. Every Wednesday night at Boogie Woogie it's "Man's Night" with a vengeance. No womyn allowed! The club is going to be packed full of sluts of the Tverskaya Ulitsa variety, and U, the sad, horny eXhole! Entrance is a mere 100 rubles, and you are GUARANTEED TO GET LAID! Imagine the odds on that! Give it a try, will ya? We know we will. You have to reward effort, after all.
     We don't need to tell you much about Marilyn Manson, except to say that getting a pair of tickets for this show is better than using the "Hey kid, want some candy?" line to snare a teenie-slut. What better way to wear down a kid's morals than taking her to a Marilyn Manson show, eh? We're just trying to warn you now to get your tix so that you don't wait until our big announcement in the next issue. Rock on!
     Here's the deal. Some semi-famous Russian opera singers are teaming up with some kind of famous local DJ to try a new form of techno, "Trip Opera" or "Acid Opera" or "Opera Techno"... Sure, Malcolm MacLaren did something like this with Madame Butterfly, but this time it's different. You can see it close up and at a cool centrally-located Moscow club. Expect to hear numbers by favorite dead old composers like Mozart and Hayden.