By Dr. Dan Higgins
    
Formerly called "Soviet," the Russian man (Homo Sovietus) is an Indo-European homosexual from the northern latitudes. He possesses a broad natural habitat that stretches across approximately one-fifth of the world's surface. Extreme northern and eastern populations are generally isolated, while Russian men in some western areas can be quite mobile.
     In spite of the large geographic range and varied life styles of Russian men, the homosexual "mating" calls and rituals remain consistent throughout. Although the unwitting observer may simply dismiss these gestures as cultural quirks, in fact they represent a developed system of communications by which any Russian can identify who around him is willing and ready to participate in sodomy.
     By smoking a cigarette placed between his thumb and forefinger, for example, a Russian asks "May I give you a rim job?" If he is standing in a group, the direction he exhales points to whose rectum he is interested in licking. The admired party then has two options. By extinguishing his own cigarette, he signals disinterest at the present time. Otherwise, the pair has reached agreement and will couple at the first opportune moment. Generally, sexual contact is initiated less than 30 minutes after consent is given.
     These calls have developed in response to hundreds of years of repressive governance. While the male Russian ruling class overwhelmingly engaged in homosexual activity, they tried to eliminate any sex among serfs so as to preserve the cherished veshnya [cherry] for their own carnal pleasure. Since no Russian man can extinguish his desire for homoerotic stimulation, the first primitive gestures developed.
     Few of the original signals survive today. One exception is squatting, a phenomenon first recorded by an Italian traveler in 1694. Russian men squat on their haunches both indoors and out. This is not simply a reaction to a lack of seating and indeed often occurs in plain sight of a bench or chair. Rather, the squat signals that the Russian is symbolically stretching his anal cavity in anticipation of deep penetration by a partner. The age of this gesture makes it slightly clumsier; once the offer is made, it is accepted or declined verbally. If more than two Russians are squatting, they are readying for a group encounter.
     The defining moment for Russian signage came during the first wave of Stalin's repressions in the 1930's. This was not related to government repression of homosexual practices; almost without exception the members of the Communist Party were attracted primarily to men. The combination of a rapidly urbanizing society and widespread paranoia created by the Terror provided the perfect incubator for this distinctive language. During this brief period, the core of modern Russian signage emerged.
     The central axis of this signage was and remains the handshake. A complete analysis of the complexities of the handshake would occupy several tomes; what follows is a brief overview.
     In Russian society, when a man approaches a group of men, he must shake the hand of each man. This is not a mere social nicety. Through contact with each individual, the man gains understanding of the group dynamic. Thus, during the Purges a man could find out who was on perilous ground. It needn't be said that performing fellatio on a man who was pending imprisonment in Siberia would put oneself at risk by association.
     The handshake consists of three basic components: vertical motion, lateral motion, and grip. The new arrival is a passive vessel and the other men pour their impressions into him.
     Each component roughly corresponds to one facet of the collective relationship. The vertical relates potential trouble within the ranks, the lateral relates the relative degree of sexual desire, the grip relates to the possibilities between the two embracing men. Only in the last component can the new arrival take an active part.
     Studies have shown that the degree of accuracy in transmitting information is virtually flawless given that a majority of the men in a group have a working understanding of Russian signage. There is no incentive to intentionally mislead someone, as he will be able to detect individual deceit through contact with the others. Furthermore, the purely physical transaction leaves behind no evidence that could later implicate the man imparting information. The only exception to the success of handshaking is when a group collectively decides, again through signage, to exclude a man from their community. But then this too represents successful communication.
     By surveying a group of men in a closed environment, even if they are spread around a large area, a man will learn who is searching for a partner, who has already agreed to couple with whom and if there is a demand for various types of sex, including mutual masturbation, oral stimulation and, anal fisting. Because of the voracious appetite for homosexual stimuli among all Russian men, an eager arrival is virtually guaranteed any service he might desire. Taken in this context, it is clear why often a Russian man will enter a room, shake hands with all the men and leave abruptly. He has already made an appointment to, say, deep throat another man. Notably, even if the arrival agrees with the first man whose hand he shakes to anal penetration followed by an oral cleaning of his sperm from the recipient's rectum, he is obligated to shake hands with every other man in the room before they begin to copulate.
     Various mutations and additions in Russian signage happen constantly. While they tend to be localized phenomenon, some have already entered the national "vocabulary." One example is the emerging use of mobile phones as signifier. When a phone is placed in a highly visible location on a Russian man's left hip, he is announcing a need to relieve the pressure building up in his genitals by consorting with multiple partners immediately. Unfortunately, the question of interplay between Russian signage and technology is too large to examine in greater detail in this paper.
     Homosexuality is endemic to Russia. It is not a little unusual that in a patriarchal society where man-on-man love is so widely practiced, such an elaborate system concealing relationships would emerge. Perhaps no other culture on earth has developed such a complex non-verbal form of communication. The above only scratches the surface of this bizarre language and the culture of sodomy that accompanies it. However, further probing into the question will help us finally understand why it is that Russian men are so queer.
    
     Dr. Dan Higgins is a Professor of Signology and a PhiDelt