Issue #29/110, Feb 22 - March 6

 THE BLUNT TRUTH 

     Dear eXile, So I ask my brother, who has a journalism degree, his honest opinion about my potential as a budding journalist. He fucking gets in his car, looks up at me and say's "Tom in journalism there is no room for malice and total disregard for truth." Then he closed his car door and drove away leaving me totally fucking confused. Is he right? He's a goddamn political consultant, what the fuck would he know?
     Sincerely,
     Tom Winnimgham
    
     Dear Tom,
     The truth is that your brother's wrong, but also that you personally have no future in journalism.
    
    
 BEGGIN' FOR HIGGINS 

     Dear Editor:
     As it seems Dan's departure is imminent, let me be the first to reach out to him with a potential offer for employment while I still know how to reach him.
     In his last review, Mr. Higgins described the pleasure he derived from "mouth fucking" a girl at the new Hungry Duck. While I'll bet that Mr. Higgins did in fact do this, I think it's safe to assume he didn't do it correctly. I'm guessing from his description of the event that his technique is flawed.
     To verify this, I am willing to make a job offer/wager. If he can successfully knock out one of my molars while "mouth fucking" me I will pay him a sum of 38 rubles.
     If he fails to meet his obligation, he must leave Russia and never return.
     Sincerely,
     Joe Dresen
     sugardaddy2ko@yahoo.com
    
     Dear Joe,
     Higgins responds: "You wish, fag!"
    
    
 BUBBA SPEAKS 

     Guys!
     Thanks for a nice website!
     Some words from DC (the empire of capitalism) It is fuckin' nice not to be pres anymore!
     Now, I can finally screw around with young babes! It is so fuckin easy to get chicks now that I am so famous! (especially in the USSR)
     God bless each day, coz each day is a gift!
     Mr. William.R.Clinton (formerly known as Bill)
    
     Dear Mr. Clinton,
     Thanks so much for writing! It's so nice to have a break from all those letters sent by total losers-people who think just about anything they write is funny. You wouldn't believe how dumb some of their jokes are. Sometimes you even find it hard to imagine someone taking the time to actually sit down and not only type them out, but send them to a paper like ours. But you're not one of those losers, Bill. You're the former President of the United States.
    

 BLAH BLAH BLAH 

     Dear Editors
     I don't understand what you want done. You continually attack any breach of the western style democracy you have decided can be applied to Russia (quite bizarre in light of the complete fuck up Yeltsin has presided over, which you yourself acknowledge), but then take the piss out of posters trying to whip up the young into some kind of optimism for their country, as its clearly too messed up for propaganda like this to work.
     So what's your solution?? In the early nineties, Russia was about as ready for a western democratic system as it was for communism in 1917, maybe even less so, considering the Yeltsin demographic disaster could yet supersede Stalin's in about half the time, and without the masterplan of a psychopath pushing it along. If Putin leaves everyone to get on with it we've already seen what will happen. And can you really attack a bit of overblown optimism if it succeeds in sustaining at least a small amount of foreign investment. I don't pretend to have the answer, but then I don't go around mouthing off about other people's like you do.
     Incidentally, when was the last time you actually visited Kamchatka, Tuva or Norilsk. Kill a few businessmen. Beat the shit out of all the journalists in Moscow. Lie about Putin's revolution and if you don't like his suits, don't look at them. These places are the earth's dirty little secrets, and if life became even mildly tolerable for a small proportion of their inhabitants as the result of any policy, even if a bit too undemocratic for your sensitive palates, then I say let them try.
     Steven Glass
    
     Dear Steven,
     Shut up and buy our book, okay?
    
    
 EXILE TO EXILE 

     To the editor:
     It is tempting to see the possible showdown between Bush and Putin in terms of the revenge of the nerds as your article implies, but the facts do not square off.
     It was the ultimate jock JFK and a though "muzik" Khrushchev who brought the world on the brink of nuclear annihilation during the Caribbean crisis. And if Winston Churchill stood at the cradle of the Cold War, it was not because girls did not like him. Further, look at Clinton, the modern jock: under his administration the US Arm Forces experienced an unprecedented number of foreign engagements. He bombed from Sudan to Afghanistan, form Iraq to Yugoslavia. He ordered helicopter gun ships evaporate dwellings of suspected Somali gunmen regardless of the huge civilian tall. It was his Balkan liberal imperialism that made the Russian people, not just the political elite, conclude that with "friends" like the US one does not need enemies.
     In addition, it is wrong to portray the Democrats as a healthy party of peace, as opposed to warmongering Republicans. It was Kennedy and Johnson who started and escalated the Vietnam nightmare. And it was a Democrat, Harry Truman who committed one of the worst crimes against humanity, the gratuitous nuclear bombardment of Hiroshima. Both Bush and Clinton are responsible for the genocidal starvation of the Iraqi people.
     Further, neither Putin nor Bush are perceived as nerds in their respective countries. Putin, whose sport is judo, not karate, is certainly no Gaidar. Well, ask your Russian friends if judo is a "nerd" sport in Russia. As for George W., drinking, drugs and womanizing of his youth put him at least temporary on par with Clinton. In fact, during the election campaign American women perceived him as a naughty frat house brat, definitely not a nerd.
     Not every social phenomena can be reduced to repressed sexuality and adolescent struggle for popularity, as your own "Expatriate Royalty" article demonstrated so well. Nor can one any longer distinguish substantive policy differences between the Democrats and Republicans, including on foreign policy, any more than it is possible to distinguish their campaign contributors.
     Your reader,
     Dmitry Marin.
     Oakland Park, Fl
    
     Dear Dmitry,
     That "Fall of the Expatriate Royalty" piece came out about six years ago-get over it already. As for asking about Putin and judo, we don't have any Russian friends to ask, because all the men are gay and all the women are thieving prostitutes who we have to keep an eye on every second. It's hard to think about politics when you're wondering what's taking her so long in the bathroom. Did you leave your wallet in there? A watch? The suspense will kill you, believe us.
    

    
 NICE CARL 

     Dr. Limonov's advice on man's age was outstanding. I generally like your guys' work but this piece was poignant beyond the standard eXile fare. I hope the sir complaining about Limonov's grammatical failings took the time to read it.
     Carl
    
Dear Carl,
     Buddy, you sure know how to write a letter! We passed your note on to Dr. Limonov and he just couldn't stop smiling! Be careful not to write again, you might derail a revolution, you big lug! But don't forget to call us to pick up your FREE T-SHIRT!!! That's right-your letter's a winner!
    
    
 VITA LOCA 

     Dear everyone,
     What did you do to Mark Ames?? Every time I get the latest issue of exile in my hands, I immediately start looking for his articles or "advise" column - man, that's my favorite stuff!! and it's NOT THERE!!! what's the story?? what's going on??
     Vita
     P.S. Miss you Mark
    
     Dear Vita,
     We're sorry, we thought you knew. Mark Ames died of complications from AIDS last week. He weighed less than 90 pounds at death and had lost all his hair. He was too weak even to eat in his last days. We just sat in his room and cried, right up to the end.
    
    
 OTTOMAN 

     Dear Sir,
     I would like to introduce myself first by saying that I have a doctorate degree in one of the outstanding universities in Turkey and at the moment leading a project under the direction of a group of professors who are specialized in the field of political science and history. We have a good understanding and familiarity to Marxism that has established one of the strongest ideologies in history. And in my research, I have come up to your name as one of the people who have valuable experience on this matter, so I decided to kindly request some guidance from you.
     The subject of our research focuses on the foremost ideologues of communism such as Marx, Mao, Lenin and Stalin who have great consequences in history and their relationship to Darwin who has again a great influence on science and social life in the 19th and 20th centuries.
     For this project I have read numerous books and articles and also referred to your works on this subject where I have found much valuable information. As a matter of fact, since we do not have too much resources in our libraries or in publication, I want to state that the information you will provide is very precious for me. Knowing that you possess the great experience and knowledge in this field, I believe your guidance will lead me to the right address for the questions I have in mind.
     I also would like to learn if you have any written work on these issues, if you have please give the details so I can get them. May I also learn your personal comments and interpretation on the above subjects? What are your evaluations? I believe that your worthy thoughts will give great support and contribution to our project.
     I want to thank you for your consideration and support. I want to express my appreciation of your comments in advance.
     Dr. Ali Sezgin
     Istanbul, Turkey
    
     Dear Dr. Sezgin,
     We would like to answer you in this space, but we think it would be more convenient to respond to you in our native Kurdish. Please meet us in that mass grave you buried us in near the border. We'll be the ones that stink because we're dead.
    
    
 SEXUAL APARTHEID 

     Dear Mr Ames.
     Jerry Davies is an asshole. And I speak for all the black South African exile readers when I say ignore the bastard. Pass my sympathies to Frank McCormic, I hope he makes it as a profitable writer.
     Miranda
    
     Dear Miranda,
     Please send us a jpeg of your black South African snapper.
    
    
 WE'RE SORRY 

     Dear editor,
     I am a homosexual and I felt very depressed after reading your latest survey about who people hate the most...
     Carlo Escudera
    
     Dear Carlo,
     What's it like being gay? Does it hurt?
    
    
 YOU GOT US 

     Mark and Matt,
     I appreciate your accounts on how you fuck everything within reach in Russia but there is probably a serious gap in coverage. I mean, you wouldn't tell us faithful readers you're not fucking each other, would you? Nobody's going to believe this anyway.
     Please write a detailed story about the inspiration-inducing stinky finger game, ass-shaving parties and whatever else you do.
     Thank you in advance.
     Emil Azarov
    
     Dear Emil,
     We've never denied that we have a sexual relationship. However, for health reasons, we confine ourselves to oral intercourse. Though it may look like one, the rectum is not a toy, Emil, and we've known this all along.