Sade, Sadder

AMERICAN HOUSE OF CINEMA
Radisson-Slavjanskaya Hotel M: Kievskaya, 941-8747 (All films in English; Russian headphone translation Tue.-Sun.)
The Family Man Mar. 7: 21.10
Chocolat Mar. 7, 11-14: 19.00; Mar. 8: 14.00, 18.30, 23.00; Mar. 9-10: 16.30, 21.00; Mar. 11: 19.00; Mar. 16: 18.00; Mar. 17: 16.00; Mar. 18: 14.00
6ixtynin9 Mar. 15: 19.00; Mar. 16: 14.30; Mar. 17: 14.00, 20.30; Mar. 18: 18.30
What Women Want Mar. 9: 14.00, 18.30, 23.00; Mar. 10: 14.00, 18.30; Mar. 11-14: 21.10; Mar. 15: 21.00; Mar. 16: 20.10; Mar. 17: 18.10, 22.30; Mar. 18: 16.10, 20.30

DOME CINEMA
18/1, Olympiysky prospekt M: Prospect Mira, 931-98-73
Quills Mar. 7: 21.30; Mar. 8: 19.00, 21.30, 23.30; Mar. 9: 21.15, 23.30; Mar. 10: 19.00, 21.30, 23.30; Mar. 11: 19.00, 21.15
Vertical Limit Mar. 8: 14.30, 16.45; Mar. 9: 19.00; Mar. 10-11: 14.30, 16.45
Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon Mar. 13 - 18

35 MM
47/24, Ul. Pokrovka M: Krasnye Vorota, 917-5492
Fast Food, Fast Women Mar. 7: 22.00, 00.00; Mar. 8-13: 9.00, 11.00, 13.00, 15.00, 17.00, 19.00, 21.00, 23.00, 01.00; Mar. 14: 9.00, 11.00, 13.00, 15.00, 17.00
THE CUNT IN BRIEFS

6ixtynin9
A film from Thailand directed by Pen-Ek Ratanaruang. Chances are, it’s not about what you think it is. Unless you think it’s about a woman’s struggles following the 1998 financial crisis.
CHOCOLAT
Miramax masterminds Bob and Harvey Weinstein managed to sell the Hershey Corporation on this risky product-placement venture. Oscar bit, and now so will you.
FAST FOOD, FAST WOMEN
The title of this film explains perfectly and succinctly why the McDonald’s at Pushkinskaya is consistently the restaurant chain’s busiest worldwide.
O BROTHER, WHERE ART THOU
I’m getting pretty sick of these brotherly moviemakers— Coens, Farrellys, Wachowskis…. When was the last time you heard about two sisters teaming up to make a movie? Never, that’s when.
ROMANOVY: VENTSENOSNAYA SEMYA
Despite the fact that the Bolsheviks disposed of these feckless royals nearly 80 years ago, the Russians are still funding their bisexually oriented excesses.
VERTICAL LIMIT
As the female reproductive organ, the desire to climb tall mountains such as Everest is beyond my ken. Nevertheless, that Scott Glenn is one tasty dish. So I give this one two stripe pubes up. 29,018 feet up!
THE WEDDING PLANNER
Jennifer Lopez has a cunt; Matthew McConaughey is a cunt. If you can tell the difference between them, then you’re a better cunt than me.
WHAT WOMEN WANT
I’ll tell you what women want (and it sure as hell ain’t Mel Gibson). They want shoes... and plenty of ’em.

Crazy Cunt's Cinema Corner
When it comes to film critics, it seems there’s never a shortage of big fat assholes to go around. Assholes, assholes, assholes— each one bigger and more hairy than the last— pontificating endlessly in every publication for as far as the human eye can see. Clearly then, there is no barrier to keep smelly orifices from breaking into the movie-reviewing business. But for some reason, no one ever thinks to ask a cunt its opinion on the movies.
Until now, that is. You see, in honor of International Women’s Day, the eXile boys have asked me to say a few words on the current cinema in Moscow. I guess if I had any self-respect at all, I would simply ignore (or better yet, spew some vile fluid at) such a condescending offer from such an unrepentantly sexist newspaper. Then again, we cunts have been getting into bed with misogynist cretins for so long now that it’s probably worth suffering yet another humiliation of association in order finally to have an outlet— however dubious— for my uniquely feminine point of view.
As luck would have it, there’s no shortage of supposedly woman-oriented film showing in the local cinemas this particular week. From the USA, we have What Women Want (Mel Gibson, apparently) and The Wedding Planner. From Israel, there’s Amos Kollek’s Fast Food, Fast Women. And Thailand even throws its hat into the ring with the deceptively titled 6ixtynin9. Happily, this is not a film about the similarly named and repugnant sexual act. Why you humans go around sticking your noses into one another’s anuses is quite beyond me. Always with that bewildering butt fetishism of yours. And another thing: the next time one of you inept men decides to make some ill-advised complaint about my personal hygiene, just imagine how I feel being violated by your disease-ridden mouth. Even that of a dog is less filthy.
But somehow I feel that I should ignore these films for the time being (see The Cunt in Brief sidebar) and instead focus my critical eye on a less-obvious target, one whose proverbial neighborhood has already been well stunk up by critical assholes of every possible ilk: QUILLS.
For example, CNN reviewer asshole Paul Clinton named Philip Kaufman’s biopic on the Marquis de Sade to his year-end top 10 list, calling it “a fascinating tale that manages to be disarmingly funny while carrying a message about freedom of speech.” This is a “magnificent” movie, he says, “thought-provoking rather than blatantly sexual, a rage against hypocrisy rather than a call to immorality.” (Clinton was also helpful enough to inform us that the Marquis de Sade is the origin of the word “sadism” and that “Kate Winslet scores her best role since Titanic.”)
CNN.com reviewer asshole Paul Tatara, on the other hand, opines that “screenwriter Doug Wright (who adapted his own play) obviously loves language just as much as de Sade did” and Geoffrey Rush, “as you might imagine, has a field day with de Sade’s shenanigans.” Clearly, this “field day” (i.e., overacting) is supposed to be a good thing, as Rush “may even pick up a second [Oscar] statue.” But this Tatara is nothing more than a castrated puritan, as is indicated by his curious commentary on the “breakout performance” of Joaquin Phoenix (“an actor who’s growing in unexpected ways with each new film”) and his list of the film’s supposed outrages, such as “married-but-forceful sex with an underage girl.” Apparently, Tatara thinks it’s quite all right to mess with underage girls, as long as you don’t marry them and you don’t do it too intensely. Speaking for cunts everywhere, however, I say give it to me hard whether you’re my husband, a schmuck off the street, or even just some dyke’s fist.
Not to be outdone, The New York Times had to gets a smelly ass of its own in on the action. And so Elvis Mitchell (obviously a pseudonym) noted that the “elegance of Mr. Kaufman’s direction and his handling of the cast make for the kind of euphoric stylishness that has been missing from moviegoing for some time.” There are many silly things about that statement, but perhaps nothing is more silly than the dainty suck-up manner in which Mitchell refers to the director as “Mister.” I don’t care if it is “House Style” Mr. Mitchell, you still sound like a sycophantic twerp.
In fact, among all the critical assholes and their unabashed praise for what it is essentially a very uninteresting film, there appeared only individual with anything remotely sensible to say on the subject. It is probably no coincidence that this reviewer goes by the name “Dumbass.” In short, Dumbass’s point is that Quills sucks just as much as every other film out there, it just sucks in a different “fashion.” Which is precisely what all the critical hubbub is about—needless excitement about horseshit of a different color. If you’ll humor me, Dumbass’s concluding thought is well worth quoting in full:
“Hell, I’d even recommend TobeHooper’s Tobe Hooper’s Night Terrors starring Robert Englund as the divine Marquis over the horror of seeing Geoffrey Rush’s naked fat scrawling out bawdy epiphany after bawdy epiphany in his own shit while giving glorious speeches on the nature of the creative act and condemning the bitter hypocrisy of his captors. I’m not kidding. Even Freddy is better than this shit.”
I wish I could say more on the topic, but then I’m just a crazy little cunt. What the hell do I know?
The Cunt (also known as vagina) has been a near-constant presence in human history for some seven millennia, ever since God first took a rib from Adam to create the woman Eve as a companion for the fledgling humanoid. Some scholars have blamed the Cunt for enabling the Fall of Man and Adam and Eve’s subsequent banishment from the Garden of Eden, while others have sought to point the finger at certain tree-dwelling, venomous invertebrates. Whichever version of events is correct, however, there is no denying that the Cunt has played a key role in human existence, acting as the passage via which an estimated 94% of the species’s births have occurred. Today, the Cunt leads a single but remarkably healthy existence, currently residing in the Midwestern U.S. college town of Oberlin, Ohio. The above represents its first foray into the field of film criticism. Mysteriously, many British males use the term “cunt” to refer to a particularly loyal and rambunctious brand of soccer fan.