DEATH PORN

LEGEND:

Old people

"Control shot"

Riddled with bullets

Podyezd

Cannibalism

Cries for help ignored

"Investigation continuing"

Children

Low-yield murder

Really stupid criminal

Carved up like a turkey

Killing "connected with professional activities of victim"

Hunger-related crime

Murder-suicide

PEDOPHILE’S CORNER

    Falling for a pedophile is never easy. The relationship comes with a built-in time bomb. He may lose interest once your voice starts to crack, or if you’re lucky he stay with you well into puberty. But as your feelings and body mature, the attraction he feels will inevitably fade.

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    Roman never got over that first relationship with his teacher. He couldn’t contain his jealousy when Vladimir Kiryushin started paying more attention to other, littler boys. In the end, watching Kiryushin tutor pre-teens and organize the informal summer camping trips attended by boys that Roman used to be like drove him crazy. Almost two decades after that fateful affair, Roman finally couldn’t stand the separation another minute.
    But first some background. Kiryushin fit the standard Scout-leader mold of pedophile. He was an over-enthusiastic teacher who was always willing to give students a little one-on-one extra help. Students were always welcome to brush up on algebra in his apartment after school and on weekends. Over the summer the learning experience didn’t stop for Kiryushin. He would take groups of young boys on overnights and nature hikes frequently. He even videotaped the kids having group sex in the woods.
    Naturally, parents loved Kiryushin and never thought about why he might be such a teaching enthusiast. Anything that got the brats out of their over-crowded block apartments in Severny Chertanov was welcome relief. Besides, free tutoring was hard to come by.
    Things went along swimmingly and Kiryushin enjoyed the many generations of young boys that passed through his classroom. Over the years he made sure the kids didn’t squeal (when he wasn’t rimming them, that is). He reached the ripe old age of 61 and wasn’t even considering retirement—the rewards of his job were just too great.
    Then Roman, who had never been able to forget the first time he was fucked by a real man, came back into Kiryushin’s life. His first love’s final caress still lingered in Roman’s mind, even though he was already 32 years old and no longer Kiryushin’s type.
    According to Moskovsky Komsomolets, two weeks ago Roman arrived at Kiryushin’s apartment with a friend. Appropriately, Kiryushin was tutoring a student at the time. As soon as Kiryushin opened the door, he realized his mistake and tried to undo the action.
    But seeing his former teacher’s now withered features made something snap in Roman’s head. With his foot in the door, he hit the dirty old man over the head and smashed his skull. Roman understood that it was now too late for any sort of reconciliation. He then decided it would be best not to leave any witnesses and slashed the throat of 13-year-old Oleg Mironov.
    Roman and his accomplice then cleaned out the apartment of all the cash and valuables—even the video camera that Kiryushin used to record his exploits—and fled to a village near Moscow. There, Roman had an apartment. Sort of. Actually, it was an apartment of another man he had killed in February.
    It didn’t take the militsia long to find Roman and his buddy. Apparently there is some doubt whether Roman is fit to stand trial, or if he should be sent straight to the mad house. In terms of quality-of-life, though, it probably doesn’t make much difference.

GENERAL DIRECTOR SHOT

    This was a fairly straight forward hit on a Moscow construction magnate. According to Moskovsky Komsomolets, 40-year-old Victor Ukolov died in a hail of bullets last Friday morning at 8:45.
    After presumably kissing his 11-year-old son and 9-year-old daughter good-bye, Victor set out for another day managing his ten construction firms. His driver was already waiting in the Mercedes to take him to work.

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    On his way down the staircase, the killer unloaded a clip from an imported automatic into Victor’s head, neck, and chest. Then, when those bullets ran out, the hit man discarded the weapon, took out a pistol, and continued firing. Victor stumbled to the bottom of the steps before expiring.
    As the killer fled, a commotion started up in the podyezd. Victor’s driver ran in only to find his boss dead. The only thing he noticed was that the killer was tall and drove a BMW. But the real noise came from Victor’s neighbor. He knew Victor well—they had been neighbors for five years and shared a common interest in expensive cars. He reacted to the murder by bitching out the concierge, who had been reading a book while the killer slipped in unnoticed.
    The motives for the kill were probably business-related, but since Victor had his hand in many pies, it is unclear exactly which business caused his downfall. The militsia claimed it was a poorly planned, hasty execution. Usually, they said, it only takes a bullet or two to take care of a competitor.

A ZEN THING

    Work at the Igla sewing machine repair shop on Krasnoproletarskaya Ul. generally doesn’t vary much from one day to the next. It is a small operation, with only a handful of employees and limited revenues. It is a long way from the days of Singer, when a sewing machine could make you an oligarch.

Little, Yellow, Different, Better

    Last Monday started like any other day. Everyone punched in and kept their eyes fixed on the clock. After all, even cigarette breaks are regulated at Igla. That is how one secretary knew she left the office at exactly 4:45 to go have a smoke in the stairwell. When she came back ten minutes latter, she found a pretty grisly sight—two saleswomen, who had recently been among the ranks of the living, were lying in a pool of their own blood. She called the police, screaming that someone had shot her colleagues. She got the details wrong, though. In fact, they had met a much more violent death.
    Those two women and another Igla employee in a separate office were actually sliced to pieces by somebody wielding a samurai sword. Each body had multiple slash wounds. Miraculously, nobody from Igla or the surrounding offices heard a thing or noticed anybody fleeing the scene with a bloodied sword.
    No motives are forthcoming. The three dead ranged in age from 26 to 46 and had no known common enemies. They had all worked at Igla for several years.
    About 2,000 rubles were removed from one of the secretary’s desk drawers. An additional 50,000 rubles remained untouched in the company safe; the police speculated that perhaps the killer was looking for that money.
    However, that wouldn’t explain the theatrical method of killing the women. Or why he gave up on finding the money so quickly.
    More likely, the guy was an incarnation of the Shinto war god out to seek revenge for the ongoing Russian occupation of the Kurile Islands.

MONKS AND NUNS

    When a sister was late for mass at a Ukrainian Orthodox monastery in a Miami suburb, everyone knew something was amiss. Nuns do not take church services lightly, especially on Sundays.
    Not long after, they found her naked body stabbed and bludgeoned in her dorm room. Police wouldn’t say if she had been raped or not, possibly out of respect for her vow of chastity.
    After they found the body, 18-year-old monk Mykhaylo Kofel confessed to killing the 39-year-old sister the night before. Apparently, Catholics do not have a monopoly on sexually repressed whackos.