Jolly Pecker
(higgins@exile.ru)I don’t know what the fuck is happening to this town. Seems like I only get sent to girlie clubs these days. They’re the only fucking new things out there. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I like seeing cunts flapping to shitty music just as much as the next brother. But there has got to be a fucking limit.
I mean, my readers don’t want to fucking hear about how much I’m paying to get it up. Am I right? Fuck yeah. Phi Delts don’t need to wave a fistful of Franklins to find some fucking pussy. Fuck that. Not in fucking Moscow. I’m no fucking Viagra addicted geriatric with a pacemaker. Phi Delts are hunters.
That being said, I am only so independent. I mean, they tell me what’s new and I got to check it out. That’s how I ended up at this new girlie bar JOLLY ROGER, out on Leningradsky Prospekt, over by Titanic. It’s off the street a bit, behind some restaurant called Parisien. The management invited me there last fucking Saturday—when all good bitches should have been repenting for being sluts at midnight mass.
The place is all fucking done up like a pirate ship with a giant runway in the middle. There was a big bar and a bunch of velvety cabins. It was about as fucking tasteful as bitches that don’t flush their bloody-ass tampons. Anyway the fucking place was empty except for working sluts.
At least the show was fucking sweet. I don’t know if it was supposed to be a humor act, but it was pretty fucking funny. These dancing bitches came in all shapes and sizes. Of the 10 or so dancing at any one time, only about three would be fuckable without the help of a few fifths of Jack. And Jack wouldn’t have helped me get it up on some of them. We’re talking serious dogs, man.
Luckily they didn’t take their fucking Turkish-made spook clothes off or the show might have turned pretty fucking ugly. As it was, seeing a bunch of piggies doing provincial disco moves to Latin music was good for a few laughs. The only stripteases are in the VIP room, but it’s really just a room you can rent out for parties.
I heard it packs in flatheads most nights, but on Easter it was pretty fucking empty. Those fucks were probably repenting, too.
They give private dances for $100 bucks and I’m sure that includes plenty, but fuck that. I wanted to hunt that night. I stayed just long enough to down a couple of their unpasteurized microbrews.
Instead I decided to go check out this place I’ve been hearing a lot about recently—DOWNTOWN. I heard it was a fucking pedophile’s wet dream. It’s over in the basement of Manezh.
As soon as I got there I sensed that this was what I’ve been dreaming of. It had a fucking Chucky Cheese atmosphere; you know, those innocent burgeoning titties, trainer bras, and all that shit. They even had a whole arcade room. It’s enough to make me get fucking poetic.
Fuck, I hadn’t had a teen treat in a while. Except on-line, and all those bitches have way too much fat to be legit. No, Downtown is for those who like ‘em illegal. Besides, it is fucking cheap.
Young sluts never cost too much to get trashed and this place is a bargain basement. A mixed drink is only 45 rubles. They come in kiddie portions but fuck it, you know. The only thing that pissed me off about this place was the no-smoking policy—they’ve got one little fucking ghetto room where you can light up. What is this, fucking America?
But fuck it. I didn’t come to smoke a fucking cigarette. I wanted some cherry-popping action. You know, first fucking blood, man. The problem was that all the bitches were dancing to some techno shit or sitting at the bar with a garrison of fucking pimple-faced fucks. Why weren’t those little shits in church or something?
So I did what I had to. I tossed back a few and started dancing myself. It’s not like I was doing any worse than the primates around me dancing to that rave shit. And of course the fucking dancing thing worked. Within five minutes I had eye contact, and I was talking to a blooming slut soon after.
Well, not really talking cause the bitch didn’t study enough fucking English in school, but I got her drunk anyways. She said she was 16 but she was just trying to convince me she was legal. Pretty cute, too: a thin bitch covered in glitter and other bullshit fashion accesories.
Anyway, I got her drunk enough to forget about her mama and brought her back home. I should have fucking known better than to hope for virgin soil, though. The fucking whore left something behind, and now my fucking dick is throbbing.