Wines's World

“Party on, Wines!” “Party on, Patrick!” Of all the pranks that the eXile has pulled off in our war of attrition against The Man, none has inspired more international praise, outrage and attention than the eXile Pie-By of New York Times Moscow bureau chief Michael Wines. The fallout has been tremendous, and we want to share it with all of our readers, both in Moscow and beyond. From articles in The New York Post and Brazil’s Folha de Sao Paulo to popular web forums like Plastic.com, few events have transformed the world as much as this. Read on, and you’ll agree when Wines says, “Excellent!”

AN OFFICER AND A WINES

Good work with the horse!
On you for getting Wines! I was pissing myself laughing. Next time his smarmy face comes on TV over cable late at night, I’ll probably wet myself laughing.
Also, I really agree abut the US media and their fucking self-serving ability to turn every missed bomb into a baby milk factory into a victory for “right, morals and decency” as one asshole put it.
Yeah, right.
Anyway, once more, I must say, you guys fucking rock.
I can’t wait for next year’s award.
Sgt. Roland
Mechanised Insult Infantry

TERMS OF EN-WINES-MENT

Guys... this piece about Wines’ horse-cum-pie is furiously hilarious. Made me sick in the stomach from laughing. Destroyed what’s left of my working hours. Congratulations. The guy deserved it. By the way, as soon as that CNN Moscow correspondent Jill O’Daugherty (?) recovers from her cancer, can’t she qualify?...
By the way, you would be happy to know that the story made it to the web version (and, I suspect, the paper version as well) of the main brazillian newspaper, Folha de Sao Paulo, on the “Best of the web this week”, where I picked up your link.
Raul Abramo
Munich, Germany

BEHIND ENEMY WINES

Hey. Were one of you guys talking about dancing with some chicks at a party? You really dance, like wiggle your booties all over the floor? Thats crazy!!!!
I just got finished telling my rssian boyfriend “american men don’t dance. they’e cowboys and cowboys don’t dance”. I was so proud to say that And now ? Though the girls here are so hot- Id even make summersalts if I had to. No maybe I wouldnt. They are so hot! (almost as hot as I am even thoug Im not a lesbian they make me want to think twice maybe I could make an exception). I think yes yes but then I think no- I mean there is so much wildlife inside. Have you noticed how many “urology” clinics there are in this town? eee. Can I tell you this is the second time Im getting filmed in a moscow computer kloob writing this. Either computers are a new invention or Im really hot. There is a camera in my face. But I dont care. I always hated you because of your “Death Porn Page” only. But after your sperm pie issue I dream of laying flowers on your grave (when Im an old walnut, hey let the girls have their fantasies). -
A girl from loserville KY!

ALL THE WINES-Y HORSES

Great work on the Wines article. I think it may be your best piece/prank yet. One question though: Why didn’t you guys use your own semen for the pie rather than buying it from a horse?
Bob Ult

A CATCHER IN THE WINES

dear eXile:
i have been a long time reader of yours here in the states, los angeles. i, for one, enjoy your irreverent tone and knee-jerk sympathy for losers and freaks. i believe your “eXile” is a much needed contribution tn the struggle against ass holes like wines, and rags like the LA times and the NY times, and on the behalf of all like-minded folks. i sincerely feel that eXile has joined the ranks of national lampoon, spy magazine (RIP), and perhaps, art crumb’s zap comix, if only philosophically. in short, you guys make my day.
but enough of that,,,,
i could not have agreed with your readers’ revulsion toward mr. wines more. i just never thought anything could be done about it— ever!! as an academic, i am accustomed to being ignored, i suppose (or, rather— i guess,,,,). i am a thurough scholar, with footnotes and all. but they are for me and other academics only. i am not one to vote or write a letter of complaint to a congress person. you have opened my world. thanks.
your enthusiastic reader,
philip iglauer, jr

THE GREAT WINES NORTH

I could think of hundreds of equally well qualified journalists- in fact, nearly all of them seem to have buckled under and to be following the right field line. I include all the T.V networks and their disgusting party line hacks + the majority of journalists. There are just a few who tell it like it is.
Congratulations on your success! May many more people receive their just desserts.
I found your website via the New York Times daily digest!!!!!
Their forums have a Foot and Mouth Link—
Jean and Peter Martin Lantzville
British Columbia

RADIO FREE WINES

Matt -
I just read your pieing Wines story. Heroic, brilliant, miraculous; the most admirable deed of the year. I’m in awe.
Could I get you on my radio show sometime soon - how about Apr 26, 5 PM NYC time - to talk about it, and the dismal state of reporting from Russia?
Your fan,
Doug Henwood
Left Business Observer

GIVE ME LIBERTY, OR GIVE ME WINES!

Dear Exile dudes,
First of all, let me preface my remarks by noting that I haven’t read your crummy book and I have only looked at a few of your articles, so perhaps I am missing some profound message on your part, but it seems to me that while you fine gentlemen are good at trashing other people’s opinions, you don’t have much of a clue what it is that you yourselves stand for. Splatting pompous journalists in the face with horse semen is fine and dandy, but what is it, exactly, that rankles you lads so much about this Wines fellow? That he caters to a specific Audi-driving audience that gets annoyed by squeegee-wielding bums? So what? You, esteemed sirs, don’t give a flying fuck about Moscow’s homeless either, and you lack any clear vision on how to improve the ills of society that you encounter while trudging long miles uphill both ways back and forth from the metro. If would-be assassins finally stopped being “popgun pussies” and began using far more efficient hunting rifles to knock off all of the “lords,” who then should step to the fore? You guys? Hardly. You scamps have a rip-roarin’ good time pulling your infantile pranks and bleating about how “everything sucks,” which is swell up to a point (far be it from me to discourage fun-lovin’ shenanigans and self-absorbed whining), but what sort of coherent political alternative can you budding Ulianov wannabees offer to those pesky “beigeists”? How much of a need is there really for the “Anarcho-Fascist People’s Party of Pud-Whacking Bitch-Slappers”? Come on, guys, you are obviously intelligent, now just get your shit together.
Warmest regards,
A Concerned Citizen

THE WINES OF WRATH

Dear eXile,
If you people actually think Wines is talentless then you clearly have not read this article about Russia.
I defy you to find, in the history of mankind, an article as stupid as this.
Good luck,
Yours faithfully,
Justin Pepper

GENERATION OF WINES

Dear eXile,
Re: Hack eats Horse Sperm
Holy Shit that was good stuff dude.. pure raw evil revenge.. very good work...
I have to think most americans either ignore or, if they pay attention, KNOW that MUCH of the shit that is written about the world beyond us is propaganda and, as you correctly point out, LIES... It is very satisfying to know that people like wines are not getting off scot free in Moscow writing their drivel without payback....
Damn fine work....
Pete
Texas

Wines Whinnies in New York Post

PAGE SIX
By RICHARD JOHNSON with PAULA FROELICH and CHRIS WILSON
The New York Post, April 10, 2001

Timesman Nailed with Putrid Pie

PRANKSTERS at an underground newspaper burst into the Moscow offices of The New York Times and flung a disgustingly-designed pie in the face of bureau chief Michael Wines.

The ambush came after the eXile, an American expatriate publication which delights in skewering influential reporters, named Wines “The Worst Journalist in Russia” and slipped into his office to deliver the bad news along with a cream pie to his face.

But unlike recent pies inflicted on luminaries like Bill Gates, the pastry pushed in Wines’ face contained a particularly foul filling — horse sperm, to be precise.

Matt Taibbi, the eXile staffer who pelted Wines, photographed the assault and took pictures of himself mixing in the offensive equine ingredients, told PAGE SIX he believes the sickening prank was justified.

“You can’t fight The New York Times with conventional weapons,” he quipped, adding that his antipathy toward the paper and Wines in particular stems from what he calls Wines’ cozy coverage of Russian president Vladimir Putin and its “hegemonic” influence on the mainstream media.

“He’s an evil propagandist,” Taibbi railed. “He’s probably no worse than 10 dozen other big-league political pundits, but he happens to be one that drifted into our air space.”

Taibbi said the revelation of the pie’s foul ingredients was meant to further torment Wines once he read about it in the eXile, which came out yesterday.

“Hitting someone with a pie has already been done,” Taibbi said. “This is sort of a two-tiered joke. The big surprise comes when he reads about what was in the pie. It sort of adds an extra psychological element.”

Reached yesterday at his Moscow office, Wines was reluctant to discuss the attack. “George Bernard Shaw once said, ‘Never wrestle with a pig. You just get dirty and the pig enjoys it,’” Wines observed.

“They can say whatever they want,” he said of his critics at the eXile. “My stories speak for themselves.”

Was he aware there was horse sperm in the pie?

“Nothing would surprise me.’”

Taibbi, whose story about the antic is titled “Hack Eats Horse-Sperm Surprise,” says Wines should not worry if he accidentally ingested the filling.

“The guys at the horse farm said we probably had nothing to worry about,” he said. “We told them we were from a cosmetics company and we needed it to make a new face cream.”