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A Moscow man returning from a vacation abroad informed reporters at a press conference today that French cooking was overrated, and that he’d take a good bowl of Russian pelmeni over a meal at a four-star Parisian restaurant “any time”.
“I was expecting something incredible,” said Ivan Shuplov, 57, addressing reporters in royal blue sweatpants and a tank-top undershirt. “All you ever hear about is how good French cooking is. I saved up for three years for the trip and ordered some stew at some Maxim’s, and do you know what they gave me? The same podzharka you’d get at any Intourist hotel. Aside from the sauce, all it was was meat and potatoes. In general, incidentally, Maxim is a Russian name.”
Shuplov sought to dispel the widely-held notion that Russian cooking was inferior and tasteless by reminding reporters of the origins of many Western culinary traditions.
“Take Italian food,” Shuplov said. “They have this thing called ravioli. All around the world, ravioli is considered fine cuisine. Chefs go to school for years to learn to cook it. And yet, when it comes right down to it, do you know what ravioli is? It’s ordinary Russian pelmeni.”
At the end of the conference, Shuplov pointed to one of the reporters’ cameras and quietly asked what kind it was. The reporter answered that it was a Nikon ES. Shuplov then fingered the lens and the camera body and quietly asked how much it cost. The reporter answered that with the lenses, it probably cost upwards of four thousand dollars. At this, Shuplov scoffed.
“No, I don’t need that kind of camera,” he said. “I bought a Zenit in 1973 and it still works perfectly. The important thing with photography is the film. And you have to know how to take pictures. If you’re careful with your lighting, you can take pictures with a Zenit and not even a professional would be able to tell it wasn’t taken with a Nikon.”
The conference ended when Shuplov reminded journalists that sociologists had proven in several studies that maintaining too long a work day is actually counterproductive and detrimental to society as a whole.