Dear Markie—Moscow's Hairiest Advice Columnist

[SIC!]

RETURN OF THE YETI

Matt, Mark and Kevin:
Since there is no such word in the English language, you may not know what "podlost'" means. So, I'll tell you. It is what you did to Michael Wines. In no way it was a prank, it was truly a podlost'. Until your article I have never heard of M. Wines. I do not know his views or his writings. What I do know, is that when a bunch of thugs emboldened by their numerical superiority sneak up on an unsuspecting man, throw cum in his face and then humiliate him around the world, it is Podlost' with the capital "P". There is no word for podlost' in English, but there is a fairly accurate word for "podonki" (scum), and that's what you are.
What you did to him is a capital punishment and in no way does it match his alleged crimes. And what were they, his crimes? He is a lousy journalist? - So what? He sold out? - Probably. He is biased towards the US?-Of course he is, he is an American, after all, who should he be biased to, Morocco?
He probably came to Russia for the same reason as you did. He is a part of the invading force from victorious America, where,like you, he was nobody, to the loser country, where he is suddenly a hot shit - Americanets, blin.
And in the end you did it not because of all these things, like all podonki you did your podlost' because you knew that you can get away with it. Why not, he can't fight against the three of you, he probably does not have a weapon in his desk and in the lawless Russia he can't sue you. That's how cowards attack: three on one and from the back. And then they proudly show and tell.
And you, Dima Kemelman, with your last name you should think twice before playing the role of a sniffer dog for a bunch of podonki. They grew up in a country which has no word for podlost' but you know what it means, don't you?. Do you think you'll become one of the boys? You won't.
The lecturing is over. Let me just con- clude with what we here, in the much despised by you cubicle world, call a "forward looking statement": Few thing is life stay constant but this is one of them: When a group of podonki conspire to do podlost' to somebody, the next thing that inevitably happens is that they do podlost' to each other. It's one of the immutable laws of life (and the Russian history has many examples). So it may be that for now you feel like buddies, but it won't be long before one of you would look over his shoulder and see some rhino cum or worse flying in his face thrown by the others. And so you deserve.
Cheers,
Ilya Soliterman
Calgary
Canada

SUBJECT: FELICITA

Jew,
Please keep your homosexual fantasies out of your writing.

Best regards,
JH
JGH000@aol.com

CONFIDENTIALS Randy Jo Heller from Buttc, Montana, you really should consider having your unborn child exorcised by a water moccasin. Fran Goodrich from Stockton, California wrote about seeing a cigar-shaped object hover­ing above her trailer; next time, Fran, don't just stand there, wave at it so that it will beam you up and conduct experiments on you. Earth has waited too long to make definitive contact, and clearly you have been chosen. Veronica Bird from Ralph, Texas, .recently gave. birth to a cloven-hoofed baby boy named Damien. This is what you get for having sexual relations with yow pet jackal, Ms.Bird " LaQuanda Chiles from Jacksonville, Florida, gave birth to a nest of termites, excluding the queen. Next time, call a termite man! Bill Rosati from Paducah, Kentucky, recently married his own ass. They are currently on their honeymoon in East St. Louis. And speaking of asses, Al Shea from Cumbertown, Maryland writes that his wife's ass has grown an average of ten pounds a day for the past two years, and nothing seems to be able to stop it, which is why he shot it with his 12-guage shotgun. His wife's ass apparently fired back with a .32 snub-nose, killing their three-year-old daughter Amy. Charges were filed against the ass, which was removed by doctors and is now serving time in a fed­eral penitentiary. Vladimir Putin from Moscow, Russia, writes that he spotted a Yevrei crossing the Kremlin Palace grounds. While he wasn't able to pho­tograph it, he did get a footprint casting, which seemed to bear a remarkable likeness to this season's $850 dollar Gucci soft leather buckle dress shoes, which, as Mr. Putin writes, are similar to his own Gucci's! Russian experts are still testing the soil for Yevrei droppings. Mike Cost writes from Buffalo, New York, that a penis is growing inside of his penis, only it's facing the other way, while Sheri. leek from Springfield, Massachusetts, writes that she saw a movie where a woman's clitoris was in the back of her throat. That sounds hard to believe. UFO landings were sighted by Galloping Horseshoe Crab-Smith from Two Forks, Colorado, as well as Tom and Martha Hollings from Slits, Mississippi, while the first ever experiments by aliens on a lesbian couple with full health benefits were written by Gail and Sylvia Bays from Bear Creek, Oregon.

FLEE EDWARD LIMONOV

I greatly appreciated your article on Eduard Liminov, a great writer , and now political prisoner. I actually have his autoboi-graphical novel "Confessions of a Russian Punk" and found it to be very inspirational and had to great lenghts to find it. The guy is right on target. Even today my small Wisconsin town has Albanian trash taking over the local resturants and my respect for the Serbs and their history goes up. I respect your views on Russia.....in 1975 my parents sent me on a Readers Digest student tour of the Soviet Union and my life has not been the same since. I took a semester of Russian at the University of Iowa which went to waste until I discovered DDT, Zvuki Mu, Tequilla Jazz and others. Now I've done three radio shows of Russian music at the local community (com-mie) radio station in Madison.Im regarded as a local curiosity and I now watch my back. In 1998 I returned to Russia and my experiences only made me even more unsuited for Amerikan life. My family and friends regard me with indulgent pity not knowing that I think they are the ones out of touch with human reality. Play some Nozh dlya Frau Mueller for me.
Do vestrechi
Geoff Smith

TB OR NOT TB

I knew this was going to happen...either you and Taibbi wind up as Death Porn subjects, hacked to bloody giblets by FSB goons, or Ed gets that super-TB I've been hearing about and gang-raped in Lefortovo or whatever shithole Putin wants him in... of course, if Limonov has the street cred he supposedly has, maybe he'll become a big prison-gang leader... maybe he could become the Ed Gein of the Russian prison system... your only choice is to break Eddie out, get him to Canada, then blow up Putin's dacha when he summers there. good luck suckers, that wiener from aol.com

THE [SIC] PARADE

lovely your death porn section! did you know anything about satanism, preferly here in brazil?if you know any address or site, please tell me.i am desesperately looking for an temple or group in brazil. jimmorrinson@ig.com.br

SKOAL-IOSIS

Hello I read letters today on new site! Man Indinapolis. I dont say what said under hims letter! Skoal Zafronov

VIVA ASS-TRO!

Dear Mark Ames,
For what it is worth, I would like to salute you for a just article on Eduard Limonov. If anyone deserves to be applauded for standing by his values, then it is definitely him. I am happy that I am not alone in feeling this way. Speaking of standing true to one's principles, it was precisely this which forced me to write about Fidel Castro: not so much Castro's policy as his perseverence and unbreakable will to stand by his principles. If you recollect, I sent you the short piece after it was (not surprisingly) rejected by the editors of my weekly column in Moscow. We exchanged several e-mails in which your co-editor deemed it humorous to share the details of his failing sex-life and after some (in my opinion) bad suggestions on your part to improve the article, I decided to ditch the issue altogether. Nevertheless, again, I am happy that you are treating the arrest of Limonov with the seriousness that he undoubtedly deserves.
Regards,
Yana Djin

FLOWER POWDER

Dear eXile,
So Michael Wines earned your undying emnity by not fully buying into your rabidly anti-American and anti-European prejudices? Well, I guess you better come find me and try to throw some pies in my face, because I think you guys are so full of shit that your red shirts are turning brown. There you are, smug in your self-proclaimed moral superiority, physically attacking someone, fleeing the scene, and then proceeding to talk trash about him as you milk your lame stunt for everything you can. All in the most cruel, vicious, and petty ways that your hate-filled minds could apparently come up with.

The irony is so pathetic and so obvious, I'll bet even you guys didn't totally miss it. You've gotten all miffed about what you see as unjustified defenses of violence, so what do you do? You barge into someone else's space in order to commit a physical assault on a person exercising his right to free speech. In your gleeful write-up, you further betray your hypocrisy by idolizing the culture of gangsta rappers and people who engage in drive-by shootings.

All I can say is that you guys are damned lucky Michael Wines and the New York Times didn't file assault and trespassing charges against the lot of you. Pranks done out of a spirit of fun and mischieviousness are one thing; the proper response of those victimized by such is to laugh and shrug it off. Pranks designed solely to hurt are something else entirely. Evidently Michael and his colleagues cut you some slack you didn't deserve. The "we're badder than you" boast that you would go "medieval" on anyone trying something similar in your own office gives the lie to your claims of having more of a sense of humor than those you attacked, or even that this was in any way about humor. What it was about was an attempt to cause someone else to suffer for the sheer delight it gave you. And perhaps in the hope that some of your readers might mistake this kind of thing for actual journalism. To me Ñ someone with no personal knowledge of anyone involved, and who is no fan of the Times, which is after all a wholly owned subsidiary of the Demopublican Party Ñ the sole result of this sorry episode is to make an establishment journalist like Michael Wines come off looking like more of a decent human being than any of you. The better among you will find it in you to go and apologize.
Sincerely,
Starchild
San Francisco, California