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We’ve used this picture at least once before!

EAT MY SHORTS!

Everybody enjoys a little rough stuff between the sheets, but experimentation with the darker side of connubial sex turned into a nightmare this May Day for one Moscow couple.

According to Chertanovsky Regional Public Prosecutor Aleksandr Potapov, the tragedy occurred on the night of May 1 in the apartment of an employee of a local advertising agency. The loving couple (they had known each other since childhood) decided to have a little party just for themselves. They went about drinking an inordinate amount of alcohol and then had sex—sex with a “sadomasochistic bent” as Moskovskky komsomolets so delicately put it.

However, the ad-man and his wife were not exactly new to the S-M game. For years, they had been successfully enjoying handcuffs and other implements of that nature as part of their sexual ritual. According to the man, the role of the victim was usually played by the wife. He would gag her mouth and tie up her hands and feet with whatever articles of clothing happened to be lying around—usually shirts or pants. When his wife would begin to scream, he would experience the most extreme pleasure imaginable. His wife allegedly got some pleasure out of this as well, although at this point we only have his word to go on. The May 1 holiday encounter would prove to be her last.

“I’d rape you if that guy with the camera wasn’t standing there!”

As per the usual routine, the husband used his athletic pants to tie up his wife’s hands behind her back and bind her feet to the legs of a sofa. He grabbed another pair of his own pants to use as a gag, covering her entire head and then tying up the pant legs tightly above her brow. Now that they were ready to move on to the next phase in the action, the husband decided to turn on some music to increase the level of pleasure. He was only gone for a moment to put on his favorite cassette (the Velvet Underground’s “Venus in Furs,” perhaps?), but by the time he returned to the sofa his beloved had already shaken off this mortal coil. Doctors summoned to the scene were unable to revive the unfortunate woman; she had most certainly suffocated.

There being no signs of foul play at the scene (other than the bound hands and feet, of course), investigators are more or less convinced that the new widower is telling the truth. So far no charges have been pressed—pending the results of a psychological evaluation. Nevertheless, the man could face up to three years in prison if found guilty of homicide by negligence. A relatively small price to pay, really, to be rid of one’s wife.

BREAKFAST OF CHAMPIONS

Andrei Dzhalalov, a trainer at a branch of the Bibirevo Central Youth Arts Center, was arrested recently for possession of heroin. To the arresting officers’ surprise, the kickboxing instructor kept the China white inside a vitamin container.

Steve, would this be a bad time to ask for that 50 rubles I lent you?

According to Moscow health-care authorities, Dzkhalalov first came to the center about two years ago, offering to bring his own exercise machines for use at the struggling facility. The administration willingly agreed. As a budget-funded organization, they had only enough money to pay the most niggardly salaries to employees and could not legally charge fees to the children who used the facility. Children were the first to take advantage of Dzkhalalov’s machines, but they soon became popular with adult visitors as well. For a time, he also offered a kickboxing class for teenagers. Meanwhile, Dzkhalalov’s colleagues valued him for his businesslike attitude, exemplary physical condition, and seemingly magic hands—the trainer performed building repairs himself and even outfitted a special room for ballet classes. And all this for just 300 rubles a month!

Dzkhalalov’s arrest came as a complete surprise to his coworkers. The sportsman arrived at work as usual last Friday and sat on a bench near the entrance. Officers immediately approached and handcuffed the kickboxer. A search of his pants pocket revealed three separate packets containing a total of 1.5 grams of smack in powder form. The trainer was then escorted by detectives to his office next to the main exercise room, where he directed the officers to a seemingly ordinary vitamin container sitting on the floor among business papers and boxing gloves. However, the box contained an additional 12.5 grams of the dastardly powder, also divided up into cheky.

The sportsman explained to the officers that he himself is a heroin user. Nevertheless, no coworkers could ever recall seeing Dzkhalalov under the influence. The investigation continues as to whether the sportsmen (an ex-con, incidentally) was actually using the drugs himself or selling the dangerous powder alongside his work as a trainer.

NECROMANCER

A plant in the home improves the quality of the air you breathe.

Not one but two horrifying murders of young girls occurred last week in Podmoskovye—one in Dolgoprudny and the other in Noginsk. Unfortunately, however, we only have room here to report one of them. We hate to have to pick one murder over another, but if we must then our vote goes to the one in Dolgoprudny, where the killer stabbed his victim and then engaged in sexual congress with the 12-year-old schoolgirl’s no-longer-living remains.

According to the local police department, four years earlier the girl had moved along with her mother (a schoolteacher) and older brother from Moscow, where her father lived, to her grandfather’s place in Dolgoprudny. But things were not all bad for the ex-Muscovite. For instance, she was set up with a membership to a swimming pool at a hospital located less than a kilometer from home. Sweet! The 6th grader was also an excellent student; she only visited the pool after class. On May 10, she arrived at the pool for her regularly scheduled lesson, which was also attended by nine other children. Three of them were picked up afterward by their parents; the rest had to make it home on their own.

The girl was last seen by a nurse at 5:15 p.m. She had already left the hospital, but returned unexpectedly to throw an apple core in the trash. It was then that she was spotted by a 45-year-old pervert. The recidivist (a 4-time loser, as it turns out) was a chronic alcoholic and was at the hospital undergoing a treatment program. Upon noticing the cute little girlie, he decided to follow her. Along the way, behind some a row of semi-disassembled garages owned by no one in particular, the sadist made his move. He asked the girl for a cigarette, and when she said no, he grabbed her by the throat, threw her into one of the garages, and stabbed her three times in the heart with a knife. The scoundrel then raped the already-dead child (does it really count as rape if the victim is no longer in a condition to say “no”?), tossed the body toward the rear of the garage, and returned to the hospital.

At about 10 p.m., the girl’s distressed mother contacted the police. Her body was found the following morning. On May 13, the killer was arrested by detectives in his hospital room.

Don’t you just love it when everything works out nicely in the end?