SCORE! BOARD

The 16-page May Holiday issue last time left us no room for the Round 2 Score! Board update, so this report will cover a full month’s worth of Snapper Season action. And oh what a month it has been.

But first, a recap. The Score! Board is an informal competition of sorts that seeks to take some of the guesswork out of getting laid in Putin-era Moscow. The format is simple: every time an eXile staffer successfully picks up and scores at a Moscow nightlife establishment, that establishment scores a certain number of points. A same-night conversion scores a touchdown (7 points); simultaneous transmission of a venereal disease counts as a 2-point conversion for a total of 8 points. A successful scoring play on a subsequent date earns a field goal (3 points) for the club where the initial meeting occurred. (Unconverted phone number stats will be kept for tiebreak purposes, but will not be worth any points in and of themselves.) Taking a prostitute home from any club will be counted as a safety (2 points). All of Moscow’s clubs and bars have been divided into Eastern and Western Conferences based on their geographical location relative to an imaginary north-south dividing line running from the center of the Kremlin. At the end of the regular Snapper Season (defined as Moscow’s first recorded snowfall, presumably some time in late October), the top scoring establishment from each conference will go head-to-head in a 2-week final round to determine the overall champion.

Without further ado, here’s a rundown of the action for rounds 2 and 3 of Snapper Season, covering April 19 - May 16.

Round 2 was marked by a flurry of injury-related changes in the starting lineup. Let’s start with the good news. Editor Matt Taibbi finally returned to action mid-round, following a protracted bout with impotence. Taibbi has vowed to do everything he can for the good of the team, but has also expressed concerns about returning to the lineup too soon. “With some of the other guys down, obviously, I might have to play before I’m really ready,” he said. “I’m just afraid I’m going to reactivate the injury. I’ve risked my own career in getting these shots, and it’s just a terrible situation when you have to be so in demand. I want to do everything I can for the team, but I’m trying to also realize that I’ve got a long time to play in this league other than right now. I wish I wasn’t in this position, but I’m trying to be as smart as I can as far as my own personal health.”

Just days before Taibbi’s return, however, co-editor Mark Ames fled Moscow for Kentucky, where he is set to undergo radical stomach surgery at a previously unknown gastrointestinal clinic in Louisville. Ames, who has long suffered from a debilitating “sour stomach” ailment, hopes the experimental procedure will finally take care of his condition. “I know I’ve still got a few good seasons left in me, and I’m hoping this drastic step will put me in a position to be 100% at the start of next season.” Optimistic estimates for Ames’s recovery following the surgery place his return to competitive action at about 6 months, meaning he will almost certainly miss the remainder of the season.

Disaster struck again just two days after Ames’s departure, when Drug Czar “Krazy” Kevin McElwee suffered fractures of the left ankle and right foot in a bizarre off-court accident that apparently involved automotive-related vandalism, simulated urban rock climbing, and an angry drunken mob wielding sticks. McElwee, who has not left his apartment in over two weeks, has refused to comment on his injuries; the team physician expects him to be out at least until the All-Star break, another 4-6 weeks. The league is investigating the incident that led to the injuries; sanctions may follow.

And just when the team thought it couldn’t get any worse, Jake Rudnitsky announced he was taking a 3-week sabbatical for “personal reasons.” He is believed to be residing and working at a Phoenix-area kibbutz, although this could not be confirmed at press time. The “Sex Machine,” as he is know on the masthead, had posted disappointing numbers in limited action prior to his abrupt departure, averaging less than 1 score per 2-week round. At a press conference called to discuss the various injuries suffered by the team, Head Coach Vladimir “Red” Lenin was cautiously hopeful about Rudnitsky’s expected return next week. “I know this kid has what it takes to put some serious numbers on the board,” Lenin said. “He just needs to mature a little bit. Hell, we didn’t call him ‘Sex Machine’ so he could stay home and bang his girlfriend!”

Nevertheless, the injury-ravaged team still managed to put some points on the board. Prostitute safeties were recorded at both Metelitsa (2 scores for 4 points) and Safari Lodge (1 score for 2 points), the latter score being the first so far for an Eastern Conference establishment. But it was another Eastern locale that racked up the really serious numbers, as the eXile’s inexperienced second stringers ravaged Thursday night fave Propaganda for a whopping 6 touchdowns (42 points); no venereal diseases had been contracted as of press time. While some commentators were surprised by this unexpected output, Marketing & Advertising Director Tanya Baklastova was not. “That’s what this team has always been about. When key players goes down, other staffers step up to take their place,” she noted. “With the arrival of warm spring weather, we saw some advantageous match-ups at Propaganda that we were able to capitalize on. Now that we’re gaining some confidence and on-court experience, we should be able to start making some plays at other venues.”

In other league action, two unconverted phone numbers were recorded at another Eastern Conference establishment, Papa John’s. Coach Lenin sees little reason to focus on these potential scoring opportunities just yet. “So early in the season, I think it makes sense to take some chances out there and go for the touchdowns, especially so as to building confidence in the younger staffers. But as things get tighter late in the season, we might think about trying to convert some of those easy field goals. October’s still a long way away.”

In minor league action, John “Flounder” Heisel has been putting up impressive numbers for the eXile’s AAA farm team in Illinois, and is expected to be called back up to the majors shortly to help fill the void left by injured starters. Heisel, a cagey former intern with a solid grounding in the fundamentals, is looking forward to the opportunity. “I just want a chance to prove I can make a solid contribution,” he said in an e-mail interview. “Besides, it’ll be nice to get back to Moscow and score with some chicks who don’t make me want to retch.”