SCORE! BOARD

If pride and heart spelled victory, the eXile staffers would have accumulated countless scores over the past two weeks. But unfortunately the rules stipulate otherwise, and successful sexual encounters in Moscow’s clubs were few and fare between.

Yet, at a news conference early Thursday morning, Coach Vladimir “Red” Lenin gave no indication that he had come down from the high created by his team’s performance under duress—no indication except one, that is: a gibe aimed at Jake Rudnitsky, the “Sex Machine” whose head problems kept him out of the action for last Saturday’s Sure Shot! party at Art Garbage/Zapasnik.

“Jake shaved his head before the party,” Brown said. “He had therapy. He had a rubdown and he had an adjustment. The only thing he didn’t have was a pedicure,” the coach added, evoking laughter from reporters.

Brown left the podium after that, joining his team at the eXile offices to help finish up production on the next issue. At that time, he told eXile publisher Konstantin Boukarev that he had to say something about Rudnitsky, that he couldn’t take Rudnitsky’s no-shows anymore, especially in light of Rudnitsky’s involvement in the mysterious incident that led to Drug Czar Kevin McElwee’s foot and ankle injuries.

There was some good news on the McElwee injury front: an X-ray taken prior to the Sure Shot! Extravaganza revealed sufficient consolidation in his fractured right second metatarsal for the cast to be removed ahead of schedule. However, the more serious left ankle fracture has at least another three weeks of cast-healing time to go.

“He wants to play, but he’s just hurting too bad,” Coach Lenin said before Saturday’s party. “Rather than standing around on the dance floor for two to three hours,” Brown said, McElwee spent his time either lurking toward the back of the live music room attempting to well-adjusted trip partygoers with his crutches or hanging out back in the VIP room next to the free booze table.

“I’m really appreciative of the fact that he has still tried to make scoring contributions whenever possible,” Lenin said.

As far as Coach Lenin was concerned, his troops were more than ready for the party.

“I walk into that VIP room and I don’t think I’ve ever been any prouder of a group than I was tonight,” Brown said. “I haven’t been in an eXile party VIP room many times when I wasn’t proud. We had chances. We made moves about as well as you can against a hostile audience like that one. We made it a low-possession party as best we could, and we gave ourselves a chance to put some points on the board.

“We missed critical easy-prey opportunities. Two of our better players struggled with their moves. But it doesn’t get any better than this for me as a coach, except for the result. I’m sick about the lack of points. But I don’t think you can be in this profession as long as I have and not be proud of this group.”

On the surface, Lenin’s words could easily lead you to surmise that he wasn’t at the party, that perhaps he stayed back in the VIP room the whole time with McElwee. The eXile staffers were a dismal 0 of 10 on the dance floor, an equally unimpressive 0 of 4 from three-point range, and just 1 of 15 from the free-throw line. They also committed 14 turnovers, were outrebounded 43-40, and acquired just one phone number.

Elsewhere around town over the past two weeks, scores were similarly scarce. A potentially promising night of khalyava at Night Flight yielded just a single prostitute safety (1 score for 2 points), surprisingly, the first score of the season for that venerable Moscow nightlife institution.

There was some excitement at the Hungry Duck, as one intrepid eXile staffer successfully converted an acquired phone number for a field goal (1 score for 3 points). This score was made all the more sweet by the fact that the phone number was obtained from a girl who was at the club with her boyfriend. In light of this development, a second non-scoring tiebreak statistic, Interceptions, has been added to the standings.

As for the overall standings, the 42 points scored at Propaganda last time out are starting too look pretty serious. But then again, there are many months still to go in the season.

In minor league news, John “Flounder” Heisel remains in Illinois, as it seems he is still having some trouble with the Russian visa process. But if all goes well, we should be seeing him in the starting lineup next issue.

Score! Board standings as of May 31, 2001