1. ALASKA: Death by polar bear; prisoners sent out on ice floes with steaks around their necks 2. HAWAII: Vampire bats; animals attack pre-opened incisions 3. WASHINGTON: Otters; prisoners struck on head with mollusks 4. OREGON: Sea Lions; prisoners squashed on rocks 5. CALIFORNIA: Great White Sharks; prisoners, bathed in chum, dropped in bay by helicopter 6. IDAHO: Dog ticks; condemned infected with Rocky Mountain spotted fever via carefully-applied parasites 7. NEVADA: Gila Monsters; guilty descended upon by poisonous lizards 8. ARIZONA: Western Diamondback Rattlesnake; hurler Randy Johnson hired to effect high-speed delivery of agitated animal 9. MONTANA: Mountain goats; prisoners introduced as rivals for menstruating females 10. WYOMING: Grizzly Bears; new “death row” erected using tents containing opened food coolers 11. UTAH: scorpions; enough of them will kill you 12: COLORADO: Disgruntled high school students; condemned sentenced to return to suburban high schools and try out for popular athletic teams 13. NEW MEXICO; Drug dealers devoured by INS-sanctioned Mexican Grey Wolves 14. TEXAS: Red fire ants; prisoners tossed in giant teeming vats, screams recorded and broadcast on pay internet sites 15. OKLAHOMA: Pygmy rattlesnakes; prisoners told they’re harmless 16. KANSAS: Prairie dogs; rodents gnaw at genitals 17. NEBRASKA: Prairie rattlesnakes; condemned locked in RV packed with them 18. SOUTH DAKOTA: Bison; prisoners adorned with Native American headdresses, released in wild without weapons 19. NORTH DAKOTA: Timberwolves, Timberwolves, Timberwolves 20. MINNESOTA: Muskellunge; prisoners dropped in lakes full of huge and extremely ugly fish 21. IOWA: Centipedes, mildly poisonous, induce lengthy, agonizing, embarrassing death 22. MISSOURI: Catfish; most people don’t know these are mildly poisonous; execution method still being discussed by committee 23. ARKANSAS: Black widow spiders; condemned forced to defecate into toilet full of them 24. LOUISIANA: Mosquitoes; prisoners briefly releived by insect repellent for advertising purposes, then left to die itchy deaths 25. MISSISSIPPI: Black fire ants; thousands dropped in government-issue underpants 26. ALABAMA: Alligator snapping turtles; Discovery channel pays millions for this footage 27. TENNESSEE: Donkeys; humiliated prisoners kicked to death by evolutionary dead-ends 28: KENTUCKY: Slow-acting sexual diseases; condemned, male and female, sentenced to have sex with a mentally-deteriorating Mark Ames in Lexington motel 29. ILLINOIS: Pigs; it’ll look just like that scene in “Hannibal” 30. WISCONSIN: Badgers; prisoners stop laughing after a few minutes 31. MICHIGAN: Wolverines; animals trained to go for the eyes first 32. OHIO: Turkeys and mice; condemnedstunned by bizarre combination, unable to defend against surprisingly effective tag-team assault 33. WEST VIRGINIA; Porcupines; this will suck even worse than it sounds 34. PENNSYLVANIA: Mountain Lions; cats get to tear humans to shreds and not get hunted down and shot afterwards 35. INDIANA: Mad cows; prisoners dine, go insane, die painfully 36. VERMONT: Mostly black prisoners devoured by mostly black black bears 37. MAINE: the dreaded “Moose chamber”; prisoners dressed up in humiliating moose costume, complete with antlers, sprayed with cow pheremones, raped to death by bulky giants 38. NEW YORK: Sewer rats; prisoners thrown in lower east side elevator shaft containing thousands of dog-sized specimens 39. NEW HAMPSHIRE: Brown bears; why brown? Because they don’t allow blacks in this state. 40. CONNECTICUT: Deer ticks; prisoners contract Lyme disease, complain for years like housewives, die in silence 41. VIRGINIA: raccoons; prisoners forced to sleep in unguarded dumpsters 42. NEW JERSEY: Coyotes; animals that wander into suburban areas quickly hired by correctional department 43. MARYLAND: Wild horses; return of drawing and quartering widely applauded by Republican voters 44. DISTRICT OF COLUMBIA: Negroes; local unemployed put to work with lead pipes 45. DELAWARE: Mako sharks; prisoners dropped off the boats they registered illegally for tax reasons 46. NORTH CAROLINA: Special “Puniterrarium” built containing dozens of Copperhead snakes 47. SOUTH CAROLINA: Eastern diamondback rattlesnakes; self-explanatory 48. GEORGIA: Cottonmouth water moccasins; executions made part of “Old South” excursions for foreign tourists 49. FLORIDA: Hordes of penniless black defendants fed to endless succession of hungry alligators 50. MASSACHUSETTS: Pilot fish; annoying black whales crash into condemned at incredible speeds while Woods Hole scientists look on. 51. RHODE ISLAND: Atlantic bluefish; each painful execution reduces state population by 6%
In a move designed to continue his administration’s policy of returning important legal questions to the states, President Bush, the eXile has learned, is planning to sign an executive order next week which will allow the states to use their own indigenous deadly wildlife to execute prisoners.
According to eXile sources in the White House, Bush next Wednesday will sign Executive Order 775-3AB, “On More Painful Methods of Capital Punishment”, which will dictate that “the use of a local animal species to execute a condemned prisoner shall be considered just and appropriate, and, accordingly, neither cruel nor unusual.” The order is expected to cite the 6th amendment as a legal basis for the new statute, interpreting a “jury of one’s peers” to include local flora, fauna, and ecological phenomena.
Bush has reportedly appointed Attorney General John Ashcroft to form a States’ Executions Commission that will arbitrate any disputes that may arise between states that seek to use the same animal. “The goal of the administration is to make one great patchwork quilt of American justice, in which no two penal panels will be the same,” the source said. “There will be 51 animals for the 50 states and our nation’s capitol.”
The Bush cabinet, in particular Ashcroft, believes that the new statute will help overcome opposition to the death penalty in certain states and regions by appealing to local passions. “People will feel better about feeding a drive-by killer to an alligator than they would about giving him a painless injection invented by some Harvard-educated doctor,” the source said.
The new law is expected to allow the United States to revive some methods of capital punishment not observed in human society for hundreds of years, including drawing and quartering (using Maryland wild horses), while also allowing some animal species traditionally considered non-threatening to diversify their evolutionary profile-for instance northern moose (Maine) and Atlantic bluefish (Rhode Island).
It is unclear how Americans will respond to the spectacle of prisoners in Maine being led to the “Moose chamber”, or of the apparent irony of high school assassins in Colorado being sentenced to return to school to await probable random termination by other disgruntled classmates. But White House sources say informal polls taken on the subject show strong public support.
Using information from sources in the Justice Department, the eXile has compiled a list of the animals and states that the Ashcroft commission appears likely to recommend for final congressional approval in its report. We consulted penologists for insight into how certain of the Ashcroft-approved animals might be used to rid the United States of drug-dealers, terrorists, and other undesirables. Here it is:
