Fatboy Slim. Saturday, June 30. Gorky Park. 12.00

It’s almost like Love Fest has come to Moscow. Saturday is going to be an all day DJ party in Gorky Park, with Fatboy and DJ Paul Oakenfold headlining. Never heard of the latter? You probably should have: he’s some London DJ who occasionally stoops to spinning in the provinces. If he finds Moscow hep enough he might even spin a set, as opposed to just throwing on a premixed vinyl and watching the ignorant crowd go wild. His sets, when he actually DJs, are pretty solid trance. Don’t worry if you miss his set, though. You can catch him the next Tuesday on the isle of Ibiza, where he DJs weekly. Fatboy should be more of a known quantity: he’ll sit behind his turntables rolling and smiling and showing off the serious side that he seems to have discovered in his last album. Don’t let the starting time fool you or you’ll get stuck with a bunch of embassy kids on curfew. The show should go until at least the early hours of the morning, with insignificant Russians with a couple slabs of early 90’s German vinyl spinning for most of it. The imported DJs, as well as a couple big Moscow names, will start in the evening.

Beach Party. Saturday, June 30. Pancho Villa. 19.00

Alright! This party’s going to have a hot tub! Mark Ames is actually considering coming back to Moscow just to masturbate in the pool and impregnate as many chicks as possible. Even if his e-bay ticket falls through, he’ll be fed-exing a sample of sperm to be deposited into the bubbling barrel. All night long the tropical drinks will be flowing. Corona’s sponsoring the party, so there might be some free beer and there will definitely be some stupid contests. All girls who come in bikinis get free drinks throughout the night. Hopefully, this won’t backfire and attract tons of bargain hunting Americans with rolls of fat and bursting varicose veins. Any men in Speedos get to sit in the whirlpool with strippers for free. No cover, but don’t worry, they’ll ream you with the price of drinks.

Red Elvises. Friday, June 29. Sixteen Tons. 23.00

This is probably the only Russian band ever to become famous west of Moldova. Ever. They’re coming all the way from their adopted California home to reconnect with their rodina. It should be a good one, even for those folk who don’t usually like surf music on crack. Their homecoming ought to be crazier than usual shows, and that from a group with more stamina than Ray Bourque. Scan our Calendar for other show dates. Tickets may be hard to come by, so be good for goodness sake.

Scottish Festival. Saturday - Sunday, June 30 - July 1. Pushkin Square. 12.00

On Saturday there’ll be a parade of Scots, complete with kilts, bagpipes and other big gay accessories. They’ll march for a while and then go practice confusing Scottish mating rituals. The next day a kiber (telephone pole) toss and the throwing of other impossibly heavy items will be held in some stadium somewhere. On Sunday, Vermel is holding a closed McParty where several Celtic music groups that can’t even get gigs in Scotland will be jamming. To get invited, make sure to be at the Saturday parade.

Depot 2000 Birthday. Friday, June 29. Depot 2000.

Have three years already flowed under the bridge, or has the bridge flowed over three years? Depot 2000’s Chinese management is no doubt asking itself this very question. This sleeping giant of Moscow nightlife is going to be raising eyebrows on Friday with their wacky birthday party. Just reading the press release is enough to make even the most jaded eXile staffer blush. Those Chinese really just don’t get it. In addition to a couple unknown bands and a “celebrity striptease,” they are planning a historical drama in five acts. Among the promised spectacles: sword fights, Chinese dancing and scenes from Catherine’s court. Don’t worry, they promise to have paid attention to the details! There will even be monumental decorations. As our own “Kambala” would say, oh b-b-b-boy is this great!

Tanok na Maidane Kongo. Friday, July 6. Kitaisky Lotchik. 23.00

Everybody’s favorite Ukrainian hip-hop group is coming to town for a couple shows (see Calendar for other dates). They’re worth checking out if only to hear the funny dialect they sing in - they are probably the only Kharkov natives that ever bothered to learn Ukrainian. Don’t worry, all the songs come with Russian subtitles. The shows will be pretty tight, as long as they keep the ballads to a minimum. And be sure to check out that crazy Lotchik disco afterwards...