Issue #29/54, December 17 - 29, 1998  

-I love the brown shirt you're wearing. What's that shade?

-It's supposed to be white.

-I'd hate to see your undies!

-Cut it out man. I wash my whites in "ACE," but I can't find it anywhere.

-All they got is "ASS." If you've got money you can buy any kind of ass you want.

-Stop joking.

-Aunty Anya on TV always leaves a new ass behind for someone's use.

-What does ACE have to do with somebody's rear?

-There's so much dirt around because everyone is washing their stuff in ass.

-Didn't it occur to anybody that the translation is funny?

-In this part of the world you can get the funniest collection of funny names on earth. Take a name like "BEZRUKOV." It means that someone chopped off his ancestor's hand(s).

-How about "PISKIN"?

-It's closely related to "GALOVKIN." It has to do with the head of a man's tool.

-They probably gave those names to very active guys back in the day.

-Or the guy they left behind with the women when the rest of the men went off to war.

-It seems like Russian names always revolve around different body parts.

-I was told that names were given according to something exceptional in people.

-For example?

-For instance, when they call you "ZUBKIN," it means your teeth can compare with Jaws.

-And if you're "GLASKIN" you don't need no glasses.

-So if Dolly Parton were Russian...

-She'd be called "GRUDKINA."

-I've got a perfect one for African women.

-What?

-"ZHOPKINA"!

-Get outta here.

-But it's an outstanding feature, they really log it around.

-What about "FOCKIN"?

-Is that an "O" or a "U"?

-What's the difference? All that matters is the sound.

-Keep him away from my girl!

-There's also a female version

--"FOCKINA"!

-I don't want to meet her.

-I do.

-Why am I not surprised?

-You know, I haven't met any government officials who said they lost money in this crisis.

-That's not your circle.

-Are you messing me up?

-I'm not trying to mess you up.

-Then why are you breaking my balls in public? What if I told everyone your name is Adewumi instead of Adik!

-Hey, listen. Don't tell that to anybody, okay? I promise I won't mess with you again.

-Thanks. I'm worried because of what happened to Clinton.

-Yeah. People don't know what it's like to go to bed with a presidential hard on.

-12 midnight and your equipment is tearing your boxers.

-Meanwhile Russian Boris is kicking ass from his sick bed.

-I think he got a bit jumpy.

-No, he's just letting folks know who's in charge.

-I love him! The press has no guts to wear him down.

-That's because he answers the questions he chooses to and replaces the ones he doesn't like with questions of his own.

-That's being smart.

-That's being trickish.

-Other politicians talk issues.

-Even if they don't answer any questions.

-But this guy takes the question and asks himself what he's prepared to answer.

-In a country where there's no adequate legal system to contain the excessive freedoms given by democracy, everything goes.

-Say what you like, I still love Yeltsin--he makes my day!

-Not as much as Zhirinovsky.

-Why didn't he sing on the "Send Them Crack" song?

-Good question. He ought to have his own eXile column.

-Yeah. He'd fit hand in glove.

-People don't fit hand in glove any more, it's not in fashion.

-So what do they fit in?

-The safe sex thing.

-I think they should make a mouth condom, too.

-Like for blow jobs?

-No, for Congresses! They transmit emotional ailment with their verbal intercourse.

-But there can't be.

-So Clinton has to pay.

-All because his name is "bill."