Issue #27/82, February 1 - 10, 2000  

The eXile greets with great enthusiasm news that new acting President Vladimir Putin has decided to wear tight Y-front white cotton briefs for the remainder of his term until election day. We feel that there could be no more encouraging sign for the new centrist government and for the country as a whole.

Dressed as he now is in clean, tight white cotton Y-fronts, Putin presents a refreshing contrast to the stale, stinky boxer short regime of Putin’s predecessor, the courageous but inconsistent Boris Yeltsin. In the previous administration, lint balls–"dingleberries" in the lexicon of modern-day Russia watchers–were allowed to accumulate freely in the president’s crack. At times, these dingleberries grew to the size of Brussels’ sprouts as Russia’s foreign debt ballooned and the country’s workers were robbed of their salaries by corrupt factory directors. The lint balls also proved embarrassing to Russia in its foreign relations when, as happened on several occasions (most recently in China), those that had ripened and fallen were discovered clogging the drain of the shower in President Yeltsin’s guest quarters. These incidents were largely overlooked by Russia’s third world allies, but Western leaders like Jacques Chirac could not conceal their concern–or else, in the case of Britain’s Tony Blair, their envy–at the sight of these sticky, brownish-blue balls brought to them for inspection by terrified aides.

Despite the many disconcerting and ambiguous aspects of his biography, former FSB chief Vladimir Putin clearly represents a break from this ugly tradition. Putin understands that as executive leader of a nation as powerful as Russia, his balls should be mashed against his lower body cavity by the tightest possible underwear. From his public statements we are also given to understand that Putin understands the importance of preventing the appearance of skid marks on the non-showing side of his pristine presidential briefs. There have even been reports citing unnamed Kremlin insiders–not yet confirmed, but encouraging all the same–that Putin has his outer rectum sandblasted and sanitized every night and every morning with Teledyne Waterpics and specially designed lasers, a harrowing though efficient operation carried out by a pair of aides specially trained for the task in a subdepartment of the FSB.

Evidence of such a technocratic approach to government should come as a relief to foreign investors who for too long have been left with no alternative but to avert their eyes from the ugly reality of Boris Yeltsin’s freely swinging testicles. The scrunched-up, shaven, and fully reined-in sac which has already become a symbol of the Putin regime should be a boon to Russia’s stock market. Furthermore, Putin, in a rare ORT interview in which he showed his human side, confirmed that the shave "feels good" and that it "tickles somewhat" when he walks quickly and when he bathes.

The only remaining question, of course, is what position the President’s penis should rest in under the constraints of his underwear. There are many who believe that Putin should lift and pull back his penis, so that it points straight up under his briefs, the underside facing out. The advantages of this gravity-defying arrangement are obvious, but there are negatives as well, which Putin could not fail to be aware of. Among other things, there is a chance, however slim, that the President might be moved to have one of his famously small erections by the sight of something or someone in a public appearance, the result being that his penis head might, without proper warning, sneak up and just over his belt. The sudden revelation of Putin’s small and sharply pointed penis head on national television could be a catastrophe for the Russian state as it continues its transition to market-oriented democracy.

Others suggest that Putin should ensure that his penis hangs to the right, sending a clear signal both at home and abroad as to the direction he plans on taking Russia. The fact that few would even consider nudging Putin to have his penis hang left only shows that in today’s Russia, the battle is no longer between Communists and reformers. For, the Communist dream of turning the country back and to the left is no longer viable. Putin, however, is wisely listening to his own political sense by ensuring that his penis hangs straight downward, thus signaling his centrist slant.

The eXile therefore salutes the decision Putin has apparently made to leave his penis hanging downward, where it can be properly squished into his testicular sac, and partially lost there under the folds of skin. Undertaken properly, analysts say, these preparations can be managed in such a way that the President’s genitals will take on a nearly perfect spherical shape under his briefs. A gigantic oblong bulge seen through his trousers would of course be preferable, but the leaders of post-Communist Russia would do better to accept their reduced status and seek more realistic alternatives. Given these facts, Putin’s choices seem rational, and admirable. He should have all the support he needs.