por·ya·dok n [Russ, order, fear, cattle wagons, re-education camps, summary executions] (1998) 1. Governor Lebed's E-Z nightlife pull-out section 2. Johnny Yaponchik visits, closes down "Reaktor" p. 1 3. "Dom Kultura" club sets the standard p. 1 4. New "Pinochet's Boots" club for gentlemen p. 1 5. Blue Berets sweep filth from Krasnoyarsk P. 1 6. Billiards: Western decadence must end! p. 1

Watering Holes - Shake It - Johny Yaponchik

Fornication Factor! Will you procreate after a night here? =women and men with loose morals are not tolerated here =if you work for the Lebed campaign, people will try to tempt you, but don't do it! =too many women and men of ill-repute Track-Suit Factor! Will criminal elements disrupt your evening?=here, there is no longer need to worry =the Guv is still conducting mop-up operations here, so give it a little time to calm down =yes, but not for long Lebed Factor! Will you encounter the rightful amount of General Lebed propaganda material? =no =some, but not enough =portraits of Alexandr Ivanovich galore!

Cheers:Poryadok alert! Afghanistan is really turning around ever since new management took over and swept out the old, corrupt filth that allowed the patrons to degenerate. No Mormons are allowed here, which means that you and your children will be safe from baneful elements.
Jeers:Name may offend certain people who haven't profited from excise duty-free funds. Band plays decadent Western tunes such as "Hotel California."
Cover: None
M:Lebedskaya
Address:Lebed Prospekt 15
Phone: 555-3492
Hours:rest: 12.00-24.00

Cheers:Poryadok alert! The Antelope Club is really galloping towards success now that new management has taken over and decided to clean out the dirty criminal elements that used to run this place. No more dancing on bar tops and no girls are allowed to go home with men. Which is just how we like it!
Jeers:No chess sets here, only billiards tables, which could mean that the Antelope club has a ways to go before figuring out how to run a proper establishment in the new Lebed era.
Cover: None
M:Lebedskaya
Address:Generalsky Pereulok 1
Phone: 555-3553
Hours:Daily from 17.00 to 21.00, weekends from 12.00 to 22.00

Cheers:Excellent name for a club brings good feelings and cheer to the patrons. Come here to "unite" with your friends, form a "customs union" with the potential life-long mate of your choice, but don't touch. Excellent tunes from Krasnoyarsk's favorite local band, "Band No. 32," and sometimes features one of Krasonyarsk's other pop bands, "Pop Band No. 17".
Jeers:Maybe you are a criminal who isn't used to the way things are done now, and you don't like having your flat, shaven skull cracked in by our Guv's crack troops. Well then, stay away from Belarus!
M: Lebedsky Vokzal
Address:Lebedskoye Shosse 55 (inside Lebednoi Port Park)
Phone: 234-1790
Hours:12.00 - 22.00 daily; Sunday: 14.00 - 21.00

Cheers:Blue Berets find this to be a great place to kick back at the end of the day, slap each other on the backs, and crack open a Zhigulyovskoye beer. Good selection of dried fish, the pickled tomatoes are delish, and they offer four different vodkas on-tap.
Jeers:Once we saw a slut trying to tempt one of the patrons with her short skirt. Although management assures us that no more sluts will be allowed in, we're waiting to see if that's the case.
Cover: 50.000 rubles on Thur. and Sat. from 8p.m.
M:Lebedskoi Bulvar
Address: Lebedaya-Samotechnaya 4/2
Phone: 555-8206
Hours:Su-Th:12.00-22.00, Fri-Sat: noon- 23.00

Cheers:Alain Delon called this bar/smoking club "the best place in Siberia," and who are we to argue with Herr Delon?! Lots of Lebed-abies with their cigarette holders talking politics, and how to clean up Mother Russia. Fun for everyone.
Jeers:Poryadok alert! The video cameras in the restrooms which were once installed to keep a constant eye on the patrons recently broke! We hope management will get those cameras fixed again ASAP! Name has a funny foreign-sound to it, but other than that, no complaints
Cover: Free
M:Lebedskaya
Address:Alexanderovsky Pereulok, Dom 2
Phone: 555-4539
Hours:Daily from 12.00 to 20.00

Cheers:One of the first new clubs to open up in the Lebed era, Marshall Petain is still one of the standards by which Krasnoyarsk bars are to be judged by. Jukebox plays non-stop military tunes, women and men dance with their bodies at least 30 cm apart, and the Zhigulyovskoye beer flows until the Petain shuts downÑwhich is usually about 10pm, or just when Marshall Law (oops, we meant Martial Law!) sets in over lovely Krasnodar.
Jeers:May have gotten too popular. Sometimes you might get sick of seeing the same blue berets over and over.
Cover: Free entrance
M:Pobeda Lebeda
Address:Lebedsky Prospekt 36 (located in a building inside the Lebed Sports Complex, on the end farthest from Lebedsky)
Phone: 555-0779
Hours:closes at 22.00

Cheers:In the serenity of this once-unruly disco you can now discuss socially beneficial commercial projects with your friends from Pepsi and ITT in an atmosphere of total order and predictability. Fewer than 3,000 Krasnoyartsi permanently excluded from entrance. Exit from fifth-story simulated airplane bay door into shark-filled pool below brings back some of that old Augusto Gusto!
Jeers:Talking General Lebed fountain still unfinished. Allowing your formerly pro-Zubov staff to remain employed and in full view means a trip to the back room for a blue-beret chat, senor!
Cover: Sun-Thurs: Free; Friday and Saturday nights free until 22.00, then a cover charge starts (usually 50R for military, 100R for civilians)
M:Ultisa Rodini
Address:5 Pereulok Alexander Ivanovich
Phone:241-76-34
Hours:Daily from 12.00 to 6.00

Cheers:Confiscated Mormon property now a comfortable hangout for cooperative practitioners of one of four tolerated religions. A good place to meet and procreate with a girl who is not only suitably anxious for a lifetime of energetic childbirth, but is willing to live according to the the strict moral tenets of one of four tolerated religions. Four religions tolerated here.
Jeers:Par-ya-dak alert! Manager recently had to be taken out back for a chat for allowing two young people to hold hands near the bar. Photos of General Lebed are everywhere, but General Lebed himself doesn't seem to come here that often, and you know what that means!
Cover: free
M:Lebedsky Prospekt
Address:Bolshaya Transdniestrskaya 4
Phone: 928-0854
Hours:12.00-02.00

Cheers:After-hours blue-beret bar shows that military readiness isn't all drills and political education. Stimulating vids of General Lebed's 1996 Itogi interview play all night on strategically placed dance-floor monitors; darkened cubicles in rear allow ample opportunity for progressive pre-approved conversation; ride the mechanical Jew and with a high score win a free employee qualification enhancement course at Lebed University!
Jeers:Billiard ball sets still have too many colors. If you are not willing to die in training to set an example for the stronger ones, you may not appreciate free-ranging weaponry night.
Cover:35R, but that gives you a voucher ticket to get a full clip for the same price
M:Krutoiskaya
Address:9 Lebedenniye Gorii
Phone: 927-9986/-0850

Cheers:You won't dance here, but'll be aware all the time of how easy it would be to do so, if you actually desired to dance! Nothing stands in your way of dancing as you sit at cafe tables alongside the brightly-lit, dry-ice bathed dance floor and reflect upon all the possibilities open to you under the new regime. Girls here just won't give it up for anything!
Jeers:Still not the best place not to dance in the city; criminal elements just waiting to be carried away in the great wave that soon will wash over all of Russia still occasionally drop in, disturbing innocent and defenseless patrons who have come to expect better.
Cover: bar; free: dance hall; free
M: Generalovskaya
Address:Mundisthukskaya Ulitsa 1
Phone: 909-0909
Hours:Fri, Sat: 21.00-6.00

Cheers:Presence of young, suburban crowd out in force to stand around at the edges of the dance floor testifies to rising economic self-confidence of middle class. Doors to both mens' and womens' bathrooms feature silhouettes of General Lebed. You won't hear rave, funk, blues, rock, or any sound at all from Crem-a-faves Band no. 3!
Jeers:par-ya-dak alert! Discovery of old Zubov campaign literature necessitated the reduction to ashes of Crematoria and the violent repression of its staff for the general good.
Cover:none
M:never existed
Address:never existed
Phone: never existed
Hours:was never open

Cheers:Dance all you want as staff dressed as riot police shoot surprisingly painful rubber bullets into the crowd, simulating the demonstration in General Lebed's hometown that so movingly affected our governor's youth. Girls have impeccable morals, except for the occasional Jew. Plastic trees simulate tree-filled space. Polkas and translations of American literary figure Tom Clancy help u stay entertained!
Jeers:General Lebed never goes there, because it reminds him of his traumatic childhood experience. Criminal element not there yet, but might be at any moment, if vigilance is ever relaxed.
Cover: members-only
M:Lebedskaya
Address:Ulitsa Lebedya
Phone: 299-3567
Hours:Daily from 18.00 - 6.00

Cheers:Bring your many Slavic children and your strong wife for an orderly afternoon in the company of Gruffy, the lovable furry animal who talks with the voice of General Lebed. High positive role-model factor, with a special marionette show entitled, "The 14th army in Tel Aviv". Winners of youth hand-to-hand combat contests also get to see a free performance of Zubov the Clown, who is "dragged" out on stage and "made to scream" as blue-beret helpers wire a car battery to those funny little round parts on his body!
Jeers:Staff will sometimes ask you questions in the manner of a Cossack. No place to put your cigarrette holder on merry-go-round. Not enough political education.
Cover:Free
M:Sovbezovskaya
Address:Bolshaya Poyradochnaya 51a
Phone: 231-3400
Hours:12.00-6.00

Cheers:Krasnoyarsk's only Haitian theme disco, Hungry Doc's remains the best place to procreate in General Lebed's realm. Victims' nights on Tuesday, Friday and Sunday allow political opponents and criminal elements in for free between 7-9 p.m., giving them free vodka and beer on tap. At 9, the gates open and the blue berets come in and surprise the communists and criminal elements, smashing their mug faces and dragging them out back to be beaten to death. Management says the number of victims is getting smaller and smaller every week, so come by now, while there is still glory to win! Repress five undesireables and be allotted one strong childbearing wife by your local Department of Order. General Lebed's face everywhere, even in the toilet bowls and on the coasters. Berets sometimes wear voodoo wedding dresses.
Jeers:What kind of sick bastard could jeer this?
Cover:free for victims (see above); blue berets, free.
M:Poryadochniy Most
Address:Afghanistanovskaya Ulitsa 12
Phone: 212-9124
Hours:19.00 - 07.00

Cheers:Used to be a good place to purchase automatic weapons and maintain order; staff still appreciates the feel of fine steel. Outdoor bistro patrons invited to fire on passing pedestrians who break curfew. Lone black employee smiles all the time and has demonstrated willingness to speak positively about General Lebed every time a foreign film crew comes to Krasnoyarsk.
Jeers:Can we get some billiard balls without color, please? It seems like every place in town is selling the same automatic weapons. And what happened to all the military marches they used to play?
Cover: free
M:Peronovskaya
Address:Lebdovsky Proyezd 6
Phone:209-8746
Hours:Daily except on Mondays and Tuesdays from 22.00 to 6.00

Cheers:THE place to go for vodka-swillin' order brats who want to work up a major sweat and flirt with secession; parties do not feature hardcore, jungle, breakbeat, and you would be free to dance, if you wanted to! Well-trained blue-beret crowd standing around dance floor clearly "ready for anything". March to Moscow through the back entrance and bring back the scalp of anyone who opposes you. Indoctrinate children into your way of thinking. Kill your friends. Taking that television is no longer stealing! Carry a rubber hose and get ready for a sweat-filled night of conflict with the criminal element, who could be just about anyone-so don't take any chances!
Jeers:Par-ya-dak alert! Bartender's third cousin, five times removed, revealed to have been a casual sympathizer of the Zubov campaign. Whole staff repressed; area decimated by briefcase-sized limited thermonuclear device. Look for new club, Lutsch, to open this summer.
M:gone
Address:gone

by Johny Yaponchik "Thank God." That's all I've heard myself saying for the last month ever since General Lebed took over our lawless, decaying metropolis. Thank God that things are finally returning to normal. My mother always likes to tell me about the Golden Age of nightlife here in Krasnoyarsk during the mid-70s, and I have to admit, it always made me jealous. In her day, before the criminals and the filth took over our city, you didn't have striptease joints or casinos or discotheques playing decadent techno music. In fact, the wonderful thing is that you didn't have anything at all. Just couples strolling our tree-lined boulevards, arm-in-arm, talking about the bright future, and the need to maintain order. Last weekend, I found two more reasons to make me say "Thank God." Let's start with the bad reason. Perhaps many of you remember the lawless, bandit-infested nightclub "Sofiya"? I don't know about you, but the Yaponchikster found everything about that place offensive. I mean everything. From the Mercedes-packed parking lot, with all those high-falutin' Norilsk Nickel jerks flaunting their stolen wealth, to their leggy molls in their $800 platform boots and $80,000 sable coats in tow. Once, before I joined "Poryadok" to write their nightlife section, I was allowed inside the Sofiya, and frankly, I was shocked. Flatheads in Hugo Boss outfits were dropping hundred thousand ruble notes on the roulette wheel like it was no thang, while their girls danced on the dance floor. I remember standing there with a couple of friends of mine from the army, thinking to myself how I felt sorry for these girls. I would have liked to have simply taken a stroll with them, to marry and to fornicate very rarely and only for the purposes of procreating, but these girls had only two things on their minds: greens, and 'gasms. Now, thanks to our new governor, there's a new rule in town: if Johnny Yaponchik can't have, then neither can U. The new rules of the game are resentment, folks, and what I resent, I want eliminated. And so do U. That's why we voted in the Lebster, and that's why the Sofiya was closed down for good last weekend. Well, not exactly closed down. As you may have heard, the Blue Berets actually waited until about one in the morning last Saturday night, when the place was packed with the local krutiye lyudi, before doin their version of the New Siberian Order. They descended on the club in stealth, sealed the block off, locked everyone inside, and set it on fire. You could still hear shots (and screams) throughout the morning as the Guv's boyz were engaged in mopping up operations, plugging a gap in any of the charred survivors' headz. All of which made me stand up and say, "Thank God. Krasnoyarsk is getting cleaner by the day!" That's the badish good news, folks, and I figured you'd wanna hear it first from me, your leading source for nightlife in the New Krasnoyarsk. The results? About 200 fewer people for U and Me to resent. Keep that meatgrinder a-grindin', Al! Now, the other good news (hey, that's all we get these days since the Lebster took over!). A new dance hall has opened up in our city, and lemme tell ya folks, Krasnoyarsk has never been more grateful. I'm talking about the grand opening party for "Gentlemenschen Jack's," which featured live music, lots of male bonding, cheap vodka, low-priced dried fish for all, and yes, safe, clean, orderly dancing between the sexes. Everything about the bash spoke of the new Krasnoyarsk, and everything we have to look forward to. For instance, no longer will clubs be open all night, forcing us envious folk to hear people have fun while we try and get our sleep. In fitting with the recently-decreed martial law, the club closes at 11pm on weekend nights. Anyone caught staying later, as we know, will be shot, cremated, and then interrogated. The part though that I liked best about the club was not just the eighteen rousing renditions of "Russia, My Russia" and "Pod Krasnoyarskom Vecherom" that the 118th Motorized Division's marching band performed for the audience, but the fact that former vulgar displays of affection are now treated mercilessly by the security staff. Yours truly participated in the dance-a-thon, although it's true that the Katya I was dancing with was tossed out of the club and brutally raped by the entire 39th regiment of the local garrison of the 81st Light Infantry Division for lifting her leg too high during the climax of "Otryad' Ne Zametel' Potyeri Boitsa." Hey, it's the law, folks. Keep those legs down, and you won't get gang-raped. As the Guv said last week during his inauguration speech, "If you can't figure that out, then get out. Or I'll kill you." So anyway, I left Gentlemenschen Jack's at around 10:00pm, not wanting to somehow get stuck on the streets and accidentally shot. And I gotta tell ya, I haven't felt this good since god knows when. ÔCuz even though I went home alone that night, and even though I don't have a lot to look forward to the next weekend, I know at least one supremely comfortable fact: No one else had fun either. As my mom told me when I got home, "Johnny, maybe-just maybe-the Golden Age is returning." And you know what I said. "Mom. Thank God for that." "No," she said wisely, "thank Governor Lebed for that."

Home

Back to Knock-Knock