Issue #24/49, October 10 - 22, 1998  

PEACE PORN

The following exchange is a glowing example of how the eXile is bringing Russians and Westerners closer together by offering angry, alienated youths the chance to win our Death Porn t-shirts. Read on... and make sure you have a fresh, dry hanky at-hand!

Hi, motherfuckers!!!
I've read your answer to the letter of Hekan G Hellman last Friday. Only such dickheaded jerks as you could write in a such way about Ulof Palme! Fuck you!!! I was born in Sweden and from now on you are all my worse enemies! Beware, cowards!! We will fuck all damned Yankees fucking around in Moscow, starting from your block-headed nerd Johny Chen!

Of course you will not publish this letter, 'cause you're just fucking cowards!!! And I don't care! Fuck you and that's it!!! If I only see any ass hole hanging around here in Moscow in your fucking Exile T-shirt I would smash his fucking face!!

    Bye, ass holes!! Alex J Saveljev

Date: 21 ???? 1998 ?. 17:05
Subject: Re: Go to hell!!
Hey, alex. Good letter! Come by and pick up your "Death Porn" t-shirt. And kick Johnny Chen's sorry Chinese ass while you're at it.

Hi, Mark!
Where, when and how can I pick up my T-Shirt? Should I come to your office?

Regards,
Alex

Dear Alex,
Sorry, we're out of Death Porn T-shirts, but we're full of more love-and shit-than ever before. Johnny Chen says he's sorry if he offended you, and he just hopes we can all get along. Remember, Alex, we're all from the same mother-Mother Earth. So treat her well.

ADDICTED TO DEATH

At first I was deeply disturbed by the Death Porn, but now I understant its purpose and find it necessary ! Fuck !
Tomas E. Lubeck

Dear Tomas,
We publish those stories in the hope that people will become sensitized to the ills in modern society. By publishing uncensored stories about murder, we hope to, in the parlance of our times, "get to the root causes", to create a dialogue among our readers and effect a positive change. And here you are getting off on it like some common pervert. Shame on you, Tomas.

PEARL HARBOR II

Dear Exile,
See the exile has spawned a mutant child in Japan, THE ALIEN, even down to the "alien astroguide" with Sally Sigwell. The Humor pages are labeled HUMOR (one can't tell from the contents) along with the ALIEN RECOMMENDATIONS which in the October edition feature a bookshop, movie theatre and the 16th Japan Scottish Highland games (you can participate in various colorful events and sample from fine fare and beverage).

Hey whadda expect, its a dull country and the expats are all the filth (failed in London try Hong Kong) washed up when the Chinese took over last year. And yet these people don't have to clutch tightly onto a get out of the cattle car free card. Go figure. Give your legal department this address:
Hiram Molestrangle

Dear Hiram,
Thanks for the tip. Our general counsel, Moe Snideman, has been informed of this disturbing breach of international copyright laws. If there's one thing that pisses ofF Moe, it's violations of international copyrights. Just last week, he showed up to the DK Gorbunova market with his limited edition black ebony Louisville Slugger with reinforced steel rods and trademark 18-carat gold Star of David engraving, and set about furiously reducing CD booths to piles of rubble and crushed plastic. In the panic that followed, it took ten cops and two canisters of pepper spray to subdue Moe. Once again, Moe's swinging into action. He's booked two business class tickets for Tokyo-one for him, and one for his Louisville Slugger-and has promised that he won't leave until the matter is settled "either peacefully, or by the sword of Abraham," as he told us. If we were Sally Sigwell, we'd be shitting sashimi in our Reeboks. Sayonara, Sally!

NEW MODEL IDIOT

Dear [sic]
Matt Taibbi for Pope!
Yours etc.,
Skinny Welsh Git
(wooden teeth included)

Dear Skinny,
Good to see you fellas on the Isle have overcome your centuries of anti-papist bigotry. But you've got it wrong. Taibbi is a fanatical Shiite Muslim, and he just issued a fatwah on your sorry Welsh ass.

FRANKENHOOKER WRITES!

Dear Editor,
First let me congratulate you on your paper. I have read your work before and it always gave me a good laugh (In Moscow you can always use a good laugh). Keep up the good work sincerely,
Frank Gorman
Rutgers U.

Dear Frank,
Can we be frank? Frankly, we don't give a damn what you think about us. But we do want to know how the franks are at Rutgers. By franks, we mean of course "frankfurters". Ever been to Frankfurt, Frank? You can smell frankincense and see Frankenstein all on the same day. Aw, fuck. Forget it.

[SIC] AND JONESING

Dear X,
Have made good use of the rag since June 97. The February cover was good, but could probably now be touched up with a cigar and other props. Some limericks attached in case you miss them. Above all, stay afloat and keep the Duck afloat. A Duckless, eXileless Moscow just does not cut it.
John S.

PS: The Wednesday night thing at the Duck was good. 120 Ruble cover, but free beer after that.

PSS: Exciting drivel about the MT in previous issues.

Dear John,
We were about to throw in the towel and give up fighting this whole crisis thing when your letter started churning out from the bowels of our clunky old fax machine. And you know what? You're right! Moscow needs the eXile. We can't let the people down. That's what this paper is all about-bringing a little joy into the homes of tens of thousands of Muscovites. We shall overcome, John. Thanks for pepping us up, and don't forget to practice safe sex. Hey, seems that Max the Plund'r Buggy is lightening up all our moods!