Issue #07/62, April 8 - 21, 1999  

AND WASH 'EM OFF, TOO

Hey,
I saw the spread on you guys in November's Rolling Stone and have been checking your site weekly ever since. I know that you aren't relocation counselors dealing advice to droves of disgruntled twenty-somethings, but I was curious as to what you thought about Americans moving to Moscow now. I was in Russia last summer for a month and have wanted to go back ever since. My parents are Russian immigrants, so I've grown up with the culture. I'm 22, a brilliant writer, and pretty damn hot, not to mention incredibly blunt. Just wanted to see what you thought.

Thanks, Erika

Dear Erika,
Thanks for writing. Say, we think we lost our keys in your snapper...think you can shoot 'em out of there? Thanks...Whoa-- damn, girl, what died in there!

THIS GUY'S A TOOL

Dear eXile, we're hoping you'll deem us cool enough to list in your "arts" section.

We're a band called "RAAG!" - we play regularly at Trety Put', "kak by," "bedniye lyudi," Krai, etc. So, we're playing a gig at Bedniye lyudi on wednesday April 7, I was hoping you'd list it if it synchs with your press dates. If not, maybe you could just come check us out and either praise us (if you have as much musical taste as you seem to) or shit on us (as you seem to have more fun doing) in future issues. Anyway, I think it's about time you see for yourselves how lame "detskii panadol" really is.

for good or bad, there's one expat in the band (me), we have a brass section and play everything: from disco, funk and ska to judeo-negroid jazz, rap/hip hop, and afro-beat with just a touch of art-rock (sorry, we're all white, no wait, our drummer's Armenian), all in a kind of Mr. Bungle flavor. Here's what we've got: Margot Morkovkin: soprano sax, tenor sax Akhman Akhmanovich: clarinet, bass clarinet, alto sax DJ Nikita: turntables Yurets: guitar Kostik: bass Anya Voina: percussion Garlic Bagdagulyan: Drums If you're interested, you could read an interview with us in this month's "Rothman's Adrenaline" magazine. This wednesday's gig is being billed as an all-night funk party "v zaschitu dobrykh Amerikantsev" which of course may not appeal to you, being the "asshole and proud of it" type. I'm of course aware of the possibility that we will labeled "shite" merely because we made the brash move of trying to advertise ourselves to the eXile. But your rag does make me laugh, so I was hoping you'd check us out for future reference, or else you run the risk of missing out on the most interesting new musical collective in Moscow. Thanks a lot, Akhman

Dear Akhman,
You know what you sound like? You sound like one of those scrawny little narrow-assed white guys with a shaved head and facial hair who spends half his life trying desperately to be black, and the other half putting together embarrassingly shitty funk bands with too many people and not enough talent that play to empty yuppie bars on worknights in exchange for free appetizers...You play the clarinet. We're sitting here and we can't think of a single good band with a clarinet player in it. You know what else you sound like? You sound like the kind of guy who brings his own pack of CDs to other peoples' parties because he wants to show everybody how superior his taste in music is, then spends the whole night pacing around in front of the stereo, waiting for someone to come talk to him and ask him what kind of music he has. Actually, we're not guessing-- we know you do that, because we know someone who knows you, "Akhman". That's just totally fucking sad, champ. You've got to be put out of your misery. So we're giving your address to Skif. Expect a knock on your door. And if you haven't guessed by now, don't expect us at your gig.

I'LL BLOW ANYONE!

Hey, I lived in Moscow for 2 years, and absolutely LOVED the eXile, and wanted to know if you would do me a favor...could you run an ad of sorts in an edition of the paper that says:

To the Students of AAS-Write me at sataness69@hotmail.com... I miss you all !!!!

Love Ya, Sage Robinson (Class of 98)

If you would do that for me, I would love you forever... I have gotten all my American friends here to check out your site... it is too great. And I love that I can still read it when I am soooo far away.

Love ya!
Sage

PS... please let me know if you do run it... please do! Pretty please.....

Dear Sage,
Here it goes. And for your friends at AAS, here's a little present-a picture of an oozing glans!

This one's for you, kids! Sage misses you!

NUCKOLHEAD

Dear [sic], Playing a -- [...]

Sincerely, Mark Nuckols

P.S. I really would like a reply to my earlier question: are the letters to (sic) for real?? I ask because some of the more 'enthusiastic' letters seem to stretch credulity....

Dear Mark,
Recognize what's left of the above? That's what's left of your letter. We took out the dumb parts. And what "strains credulity" is the thought of a constipated, lonely pedant named "Nuckols", sitting there in the dark brooding about old emails. Your questions will never be answered; your phone will never ring. Listen to what the voices are telling you and put that plastic bag over your head.

YOUNG REFORNICATOR

Dear Mr. Krazy Kevin!!!!

You are my last hope!!! Since the Hungry Duck was closed there's no place left for fun... I am depressed... I am thinking of commiting a suicide. I've already thought of the easiest way of killing myself...I'll take my old grenade launcher and fire a couple of shots at the american embassy. As I seen on the TV our cops get nervous when someone's doing this and they'd surely shoot me quickly and easy. Hope to hear from you soon,

Anatoly Borisovitch Chubais,
former head of President's staff.

Dear Anatoly,
How much do you want for that grenade launcher? You don't want to waste a good grenade launcher like that. There are much easier ways to get the cops to shoot you. Most of them'll do it for a bottle of vodka. In fact, once you tell them who you are, and the role you played in building Russia's economy, they'll shoot you for nothing.

And call us back on the private line about that launcher. We've got cash.

MY LETTER JUST [sic]S

Dear [sic],
Currently vacationing on a tropical island in the Gulf of Thailand, my friend "Sasha" and I have come to a few useful realizations that we thought to pass on: --utilizing the Russian mafia, a German travel agency front and what remains of the kolkhoz system, someone needs to set up a ring for kidnapping loser German pedofile tourists (there are hundreds of thousands just down here on this one island) and putting them into a slave labor camps all across Russia, similar to the ones their fathers and grandfathers toiled away until death as POWs of the Velikaya one.

They did such a good job then--just look at how well the Baltics came out--seems a waste not to use them now. A winning idea for Russia's future!--there is bonafide cock-fighting in Thailand. The match we watched lasted about 5 minutes until the winning rooster punctured the loser's head with the sharp spike attached to its claws resulting in blood spewing and a quick death. They used a broom to sweep the blood into the dirt, preparing for the next fight.

For what it's worth....Laters.

Thanks, j

Dear j,
Why just the pedophiles? That sounds suspiciously like justice. How about we make the German chickenhawks into slave laborers, then round up all the vacationing Stalinists, tie razorblades to their sunburnt Slavic feet and have'em kick each others' carotids out in some sweaty, betel-stained arena on the outskirts of Bangkok. They could just use bigger brooms between fights.