Issue #11/66, June 3 - 17, 1999  

by Nkem and Adik

--I'm probably the only black in this wacky world who doesn't see Nelson Mandela as a star.

--He was a star all right, a 'shooting' star for the leftist ANC.

--Right, and for that someone threw the key away on him for 27 years.

--And thanks to lawless African countries like Nigeria-

--Who was perhaps the biggest financial contributor to the terrorist warfare of ANC.

--Somebody decided enough was enough and let him walk.

--And what was the first thing he did after he became the president of South Africa? He got Nigeria kicked out of the commonwealth.

--In return for getting his Zulu rear out of the apartheid dump.

--That was immediately after his visit to Nigeria.

--With his dearly beloved wife, Winnie.

--Who humbly waited like a nun in pudah gown for her prince in shining armor to be released.

--It's very romantic, like a fairy tale. Hmm, 27 years without a ball?

--And then the going got tough for Winnie.

--And what do you think the golden boy of south Africa did?

--He dumped her ass so hard Winnie couldn't sit for a while.

--Some said that was because of the restriction on home matches. That she sometimes had to defend her title abroad with some close aids of her youth wing.(adultery)

--For that she got a red card from Nelson Man-D.

--So some people came together to give him the Nobel piece prize.

--For advocating violence against the white South African population.

--And I thought that was for sitting away a good part of his life.

--Brother, a lot of folks sat behind bars longer and they didn't even know how they got there.

--Take Mike Tyson, for instance. He woke up from a date and found his iron ass on the wrong side of a county jail. He didn't do anything wrong, he was just the fucking champion!

--Anyway, to get back to Mandela, he's as bad a friend as he is a foe. Shaking hands and backslapping don't mean a thing to him.

--So when I heard all the black brothers and sisters in the 'United States of Whao' talking about going home-

--To South Africa?

--Yeah, I crossed myself and crossed my toes.

--They did arrive there didn't they?

--And some even managed to spend some weeks in the land of the rainbow flag.

--Then it hit them like a bad smell.

--Home couldn't be anywhere away from Uncle Tom, sorry, Uncle Sam.

--Why, what happened?

--They realized that Harlem, Lebanon and ancient Japan were child's play compared to the shooting, bombing and macheting of Capetown and Lesotho.

--And don't nobody blame apartheid either, it was there from Chaka Zulu.

--Did you see the guy come to Moscow?

--Who?

--Nelson Man-D. He met with Yeltsin and Primakov.

--Oh, You mean the break dance contest.

--What else? The Man Mandela came in like he was walking on someone else's feet.

--We've seen that move before. It's common in the Dark Continent.

--Then Yeltsin introduced the Kalinka steps. The only thing missing was slapping his chest and legs.

--But then Primakov made a fatal mistake, he came out with a new kind of moon walk.

--The guy was grooving so hard I thought I heard music.

--Well, anyway, he stole the show and Yeltsin kicked him out of office.

--For doing a better woogy?

--Yeah, and putting the main man to shame in front of a guest.

--Why did Man-D visit anyway?

--Yeltsin wanted to learn the Zulu dance from him. But they were both too old for it.

--Poor Prima. He shouldn't have done the MoonWalk.

--I agree, the Presidio doesn't like to be outdone, especially not by his second.

--Now he's gonna walk the moon forever.

--Five days to Pushkin's birthday!

--I suppose I should say "Jah rastafarai Haile Selesai."

--They're related, ain't they?

--Yeah, sure thing.

--No wonder. I was wondering where Pushkin got those dreamy eyes.

--What dreamy eyes?

--The kind you get from smoking weed.

--Pushkin didn't.

--Sure, just like Marley didn't.

--Marley was a singer, for goodness sake.

--And a poet, and so was Pushkin. Believe me bro, no one writes such beautiful pieces without dragging on Sensi.

--They don't grow in cold regions, only in the tropics.

--Wanna bet? When did Pushkin write his best pieces?

--When he was sent on eXile to the south.

--And what region was that?

--The sub-tropics. Wait a minute...

--Now you get my point?

--Yeah I'm beginning to. That must have been the spiritual rhythm Marley was talking about.

--This is great, a new field of research!

--If we can prove that Alexander Sirgevni Pushkin was a rastafarian, do you realize what that will do to reggae music in this part of the world?

--I don't want to think about it. Gosh!

--White rastas with Russian accents!

--They will replace the weed with Vodka!

--And instead of Jah rastafarai-

--It will become jah tavarishai.

--I think I'm going to have a heart attack.

--Wait a minute, before you die, picture the entire state Duma with dreadlocks wearing the green, red and gold.

--I'm having a nightmare. Everybody feels rastas are irrational people.

--Just because their herb is a habit?

--I'm having a nightmare, everybody thinks that rastas are irrational people.

--Sure, why else would Pushkin challenge Dantes to a duel and decide on half the usual number of paces, knowing that Dantes was going to shoot first?

--Anyway, Pushkin is gone, but I'm here and I can write just as well.

--If He was alive today, in broken English he would write:

I love you pass my mama
My papa no go come near you.
You fine joo, see your paw-paw.
Na true word I dey tell you.

If true true say your name
na Sveta
I fit wear you like my
new sweater
Man pikin love for you na die
I no fit tell you lie.