Vice President Al Gore's campaign for the presidency has recently been described using words like "foundering," "abortive," "doomed," and "hapless." But are things really that bad? The eXile decided to find out. We assigned a crack team of investigators to find out exactly where the pride of Carthage, Tennessee is on society's radar--and if he could be easily distinguished, for instance, from a lump of suet, or the great Battle of Hastings in 1066.
|Battle of Hastings
|Wooden personality; low poll ratings
||The one historical date taught in school that everyone remembers
||Fat-based bird food that is smeared on trees and pinecones for maximal effectiveness
|Calls Larry King "a good man"; helped Sinn Fein's Gerry Adams get U.S. visa
||Ushered in era of British Catholicism and absolute rule of kings
||Attracts kinglets and cardinals
|No evidence of sex with Tipper since birth of Albert Jr. sixteen years ago
||English women still ugly despite 300 years of Norman rule
||Takes a while to harden
|Has been waiting for this damned election for eight years
||Invasion took 15 years to plan
||Wrapped in wax paper, keeps in freezer indefinitely
|Bill Clinton: "I did have a relationship with Ms. Lewinsky that was not appropriate. In fact, it was wrong."
||William the Conqueror named heir to British throne by Edward the Confessor
||Cut from slaughtered beef
|Promised to eschew negative campaigning; calls Bill Bradley a "friend"
||William promised God he'd build an abbey at Hastings if he won; kept promise
||Won't melt if kept at room temperature
|Says he'll "reinvent government"; calls taxpayers "customers"
||New Orleans Saints WR Andre Hastings doesn't understand "Battle Of" nickname
||Birds like it if you mix it with crunchy peanut butter