the eXile - Other Shite

Issue #18/99, September 14 - 28, 2000

Other Shite

Pre-Pubescent Sex Tips By Mark Ames

Hi folks! My name is Mark Ames, and I’m trying to reconnect with the world of pre-pubescents by offering up my sex tips for the peach-fuzzy freekz out there. So, let’s put on our backwards baseball caps, zip up our baggy cargo pants, and get wit it! Ask me anything you want about any subject whatsoever, kids, and I will try my best to offer you the coolest advice that kids can relate to. Ready? OK! Here we go! Oh yeah, and remember one thing. No need to address your letters to “Mr. Ames.” Just call me “Mark.” Address me in the informal “ty” form. Hey, I’m with it, I’m down! No formalities here, guys ’n gals. We’re all one on GAIA’s planet!

Dear Mark,

Hi, my name is Steve Hudson, and there’s this girl in my sixth grade class, her name is Julie Dwyer. I really like her and stuff. She’s hot. But I don’t know if she knows me much. I mean I’m popular, and she knows me, but we don’t talk. I’m kind of afraid to talk to her, but I want to ask her to go around with me. But I can’t. So I was wondering what I should do so that she doesn’t like make fun of me. Thanks Mark.

Steve Hudson

Sixth Grade

Dear Steve,

This is a tough-y, and the thing here is that you’ve got to play your cards just right. I think the best thing to do would be to pull her hair every day for the next week. Pull her hair during recess, and pull her hair after school. This way, you will get her attention, but she won’t be able to make fun of you. She’ll probably say she hates you, but that’s fine, your friends will think you’re cool because of it. If she doesn’t start to like you after a week or so, then you’ll probably want to move to the next stage, which is putting gum in her hair. Make sure that when you put the gum in her hair, you put it close to the roots, so that she has to cut a big chunk out. If you do this, she definitely won’t forget you, and your friends will think you’re super cool. Whatever you do, do NOT, I repeat, DO NOT try to talk to her in a sincere way. She could easily make fun of you and then you’d probably have to transfer schools. Our studies have shown that talking to a girl at your tender age always leads to getting made fun of by other students, whereas pulling hair is a no-lose option. Good luck!

Dear Mark,

I am only 11 years old and I started my period I think this week and I’m really embarrassed. I think that if people in my grade find out, they will hate me, especially the other girls. Am I different? What is wrong with me?

Tammy Ridge

Fifth Grade

Dear Tammy,

There is definitely something wrong with you. Do not let your friends know about this. Your friends will think you are different and will not want to hang out with you anymore. Haven’t you seen the movie “Carrie”? You should watch it. I think it is a very appropriate film for an 11-year-old such as yourself.

Dear Mark,

I have never French-kissed a girl and I think it sounds pretty gross, but people at my school are starting to do it and I guess I have to, but I don’t know how to or with what chick.

Gary Turina

Seventh Grade

Dear Gary,

You’re right, now’s a good time to start French-kissing. The technique is pretty simple. Open your mouth as wide as possible, extend your tongue into your partner’s mouth, and leave it there. Try if you can to extend your tongue onto her tongue, and leave it there. The first time I French-kissed was at a dance in 7th grade. It was with Heather Wightman. We kissed during the long guitar solo of “Stairway To Heaven.” Afterwards, I excused myself, and ran out of the dance. You might find that you have to run out of the dance, too. If you do, then make sure you spread rumors around school about your partner before she can spread rumors about you.