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By Greg Barnes
Man, I’m really excited about my new job here at the eXile as Music Reviewer. I’ve found that the music scene here in Moscow has a lot more to offer than the one in Columbine, and I’ve got a lot of catching up to do. Oh wait, I forgot to introduce myself. My name is Greg Barnes. I was the star basketball player at Columbine High School until last week. See, that’s because I hated life and people, so I hung myself in my garage just to show them. To make it all intense, I put on my favorite song, Link 182’s "Adam’s Song", on repeat. It’s a really great song and I think everyone who isn’t just like, you know, a fraud or plastic should listen to it. Anyway, now you know who I am. Here are my first three reviews for three totally kick-ass alternative rock albums. As you’ll see, I’m totally into alternative rock music. I’ve rated every album on a five-noose scale, one noose meaning that it sucks and the artists couldn’t ever understand me, while five nooses means that the album is so intense, I’d kill myself to it all over again if I could.
SMASHING PUMPKINS - Machina
To start things off, I want to make sure that the latest Smashing Pumpkins album gets a mention, even though it came out, like, a few months ago. Their new album, Machina - the machines of God, is just plain phat! I’ve always been a fan of Corgan and his crew; they’ve always known how to rock, and they’ve done it once again. Their crunchy yet melodic guitar sounds brings out the goth in us all - an experience we should all take time out for. Check out their singles, currently not getting enough airplay on MTV: "Try, Try, Try", and "Stand Inside Your Love". This one definitely gets five hang loose nooses! Man, even now I want to hang myself listening to Corgan’s wailing vocals and tortured lyrics!
NO DOUBT - The Return of Saturn
Next, I’ve just got to say a few words about No Doubt’s new album The Return of Saturn. Who thought it could be possible for them to top Tragic Kingdom? Dude, there’s like no doubt (ha-ha!) that this band is gonna go down in history as one of the tightedest bands ever - the two singles released so far, "Ex-Girlfriend" and "Simple Kind of Life" are the bomb! And those are just examples - there’s not one bad song on the whole CD! Not to mention that Gwen Stefani is a babe. Four and a half hang loose nooses! Put it on repeat!
GUANO APES - Guano Apes
Finally, you have got to check out the newest release from those German gods of rock, Guano Apes. Not everyone knows about this group, but dude, they are so worth checking out! Imagine a German version of Rage Against the Machine with a hot chick who really understands my anger and pain, and who really knows how to scream for a lead singer. If you watch MTV here, then you’ve seen their newest video, "Big In Japan". I’m telling you, their new album only gets better from there. But I’ve got to take away some points for their nappy lyrics: four hang loose nooses, cuz I’d probably only cut my wrists to this album.
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Dopey New York Mets catcher Mike Piazza... |
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