"I like to read the eXile to find out where unsupervised minors of either sex are spending their weekend nights."

Andrei Chikatilo

"What smell? What are you talking about? Go away and don't knock on my door again-unless you want to bring me another copy of the eXile, Moscow's only alternative. Satire never tasted so good!"

Jeffrey Dahmer

"I find the eXile to be a reliable, objective source of news and entertainment information. Coffee, a croissant, and a copy of the eXile is the perfect way to start my business day in Moscow."

Satan

"In beruhrenden Texten und Bildern wird die Erinnerung wachgehalten an von den Nazis ermordete judische Kinder. Gerade aus dieser Gegenuberstellung von Dokumenten und Fiktivem bezieht die Auffuhrung unter der eXile starke emotionale Wirkungen!!!"

Adolf Hitler

"I just love newspapers and news reporters and news articles in general, but of all the newspapers and reporters and news articles I love to read, I love reading the eXile the most! Waytago, free press!"

Richard Nixon

"Other newspapers are filled with malcontent writers who need to have their heads served at dinner after being shot in the head with my pistol, engraved as you know with the slogan 'Death To Traitors!' But I like those eXile guys. They can visit free Uganda any day!"

Idi Amin

"Listen, I did the job, just like like you asked, so leave me the fuck alone, okay? eXile? What eXile? Forget about it!"

Jack Ruby

"Like me, the eXile 'acts alone' among excellent sources of Moscow news and entertainment information! I give it two bolt-action rifles wayyyy up!!!"

Lee Harvey Oswald

"I know my Death Star is fully operational when I get up in the morning and set a course for the eXile!"

Darth Vader

"When I'm not herding all of the peasants in the Wallachia province over a cliff onto a giant bed of spikes, I love to relax by reading the eXile. It's informative, it's entertaining, and it packs a mean punch!"

Vlad the Impaler

"Since we've all had our thoraxes ripped open and our heads cut off, we can all attest to the gritty authenticity of the eXile's Death Porn feature. It's the only paper that tells it like it is! And we love that Stuart Pratt guy!"

The Yorkshire Ripper Victims

"Anti-corpse prejudice keeps some of my best work hidden from the public. Only the eXile has a free enough artistic spirit to give quality work its public due. And by promoting a healthy lifestyle of drugs, booze, and venereal disease, the eXile is doing its part."

Death

"When I'm not taking kickbacks for selling the timber rights to irreplacable old-growth forest, I like to kick back with the eXile so I can catch up on the shenanigans my colleagues in the Duma are up to. I'm not ashamed to say I get some of my best ideas from the LDPR!"

Senator Frank Murkowski
R-Alaska