The Recession Penis’ Blue Ball Syndrome

Today’s question comes from a reader named Tam. Send in your own questions, concerns and worries to ask@exiledonline.com. Team eXiled is here to help.

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Dear eXiled,

What’s the current state of the recession penis?  Presumably it’s getting fairly engorged these days.

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Dear Recession Penis Fan,

We last gave our readers an update on the state of the Recession Penis in February 2008. Back then, the New York Times reported that the $45 trillion credit-default swap market, the biggest financial market in the world and one that no one even knew about,  was starting to crack. The news gave the RP a slight engorgement. Quite frankly, it was getting ready to party.  Let us quote:

What got the RP’s main vein swelling up was the revelation that the world’s financial crisis is unregulated and showing a rise in instruments whose owners are totally untraceable. “Reading that was really inspiring,” said the Recession Penis. “I went right out and bought myself a Gillette Fusion Power razor!”

Now, almost a year and a half-dozen razor packs later, we caught up with the Recession Penis and found out that it isn’t doing so well. “It’s not me,” says the Recession Penis. “It’s my balls. I can only maintain tension for so long without some sort of release.” Back in February, the RP was really looking forward to a quickie collapse: breadlines, wholesale foreclosures, young women prostituting themselves on the street — the whole works. But the economy kept leading the RP on, playing with it and teasing it. “It never went all the way!” adds the  Recession Penis, visibly frustrated. Now the recession is turning into a full-blown depression, with the New York Times itself about to go bust, but all the RP can think of is the painful throbbing sensation in its testicles. “They really hurt,” says the Recession Penis. “I want to get excited, but they are so sensitive. I don’t know what to do. I’m really depressed.”

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Send in your own questions, concerns and worries to ask@exiledonline.com. Team eXiled is here to help.