War Nerd Classic: Altar Boy Vs. Altar Boy In Uganda: The Lord’s Resistance Army & Joseph Kony

eXile Classic / The War Nerd / March 7, 2012

By Gary Brecher

This article is a War Nerd Classic

Christians are stone killers. You put a Christian and a lion in an arena and I’ll bet Toyotas to Subarus the Christian’ll have the lion for lunch. Just look around you: lions are just about extinct, but the whole world is full of Christians singin’ about God’s love, ready to disembowel anybody who won’t join the chorus. (See my guide to Christian Missionary Martyrs as the front-line in Christian Jihads at the end of this article.)

This week I’m honoring some great Christian killers: the Lord’s Resistance Army of Uganda. These kids — and they are kids, mostly 13-16 years old — get my vote for funniest army on the planet. And that’s a pretty big award, when you consider that the Dutch armed forces are included in the competition.

Just kidding, Dutchies! By the way, congratulations on shooting that Fortuyn guy, the only interesting Dutchman in the past 200 years! Can’t have people like that running around!

Anyway — the Lord’s Resistance Army came out of one tough neighborhood: Uganda in the 1970’s. You say “Uganda” and people think “Idi Amin.” But he was way overhyped as a killer: a big teddy bear compared to the “moderate” leader who overthrew him. This “moderate” was a former altar boy named — get this — Apollo Milton Obote.

“Moderate” altar boy Apollo Obote

It’s always “ex-altar boys” who have like a dozen bodies under the concrete. And when the former altar boy is also a “moderate” according to the Western press, then damn, get ready for a serious bloodbath. Nobody can kill like a “Moderate.” Amin was a noisy killer, feeding people to the crocs, beating them to death, eating their flesh. Dictators like him and Bokassa never last. It’s the “moderates” who do the really large-scale, efficient slaughtering.

That’s the lesson of the 20th century: If you want to kill a few people and get bad press, then go ahead: dress in black, drink blood and talk about how you love torture like Amin, Bokassa and Hitler. But if you’re serious about wiping out whole populations, wear a dove of peace and talk about progress and love. That’s what Stalin and the US did, and between them they killed a dozen for every one Hitler got.

Obote was smart; he knew he needed that “moderate” label if he was going to wipe out all his enemies. So he smiled a lot and wore suits and talked progress…and then went to work. When a densely-populated Bantu zone called the Luwhero crescent gave him trouble, his soldiers went in and killed every goddamn human being in the place. Ever hear about it? No, you didn’t, because the respectable papers didn’t want to know. Amin was good copy; Obote was too “moderate.”

Joseph Kony, the LRA’s leader

The survivors of Luwhero, mostly kids too young to be worth killing, formed up in a kind of bush army and kept fighting, even when their leader Museveni said “fuck it” and hightailed it to London. And to everybody’s surprise (including Museveni) they won. Obote’s soldiers fled north still picking people-meat from between their teeth. Museveni flew home in time to celebrate his victory and resume command. He is now the official ruler of the land. Ta-da!

A real Cinderella story, Central-Africa style.

But Obote wasn’t the only former altar boy in Uganda. There was another one, way crazier and more fun: Joseph Kony, leader of the Lord’s Resistance Army. Little Joseph came from a very devout Christian family: His aunt Alice founded the LRA and passed it on to him when she died. Aunt Alice started some of the great traditions of the LRA, like telling your troops that if they just wore her special amulets, bullets won’t hurt them. Aunt Alice had everybody in the LRA believing God hisself would be their kevlar vest. This turned out to be untrue, but there was a great escape clause: by the time the chumps found out the amulets didn’t work as advertised, they were DEAD! Now that’s the way to run a complaint department: Thousands of satisfied customers and dissatisfied but uncomplaining corpses.

LRA soldiers at work

The LRA gets backing from Sudan, which uses them to massacre other Christians like the Dinka, who are rebelling against the Arabs of the North. The North/South, Muslim/Christian war in Sudan is another of those meatgrinder wars that just doesn’t interest the Western press. It’s inland, and the reporters don’t like getting too far from the beach hotels; it’s hot and malarial country; the victims are nobody’s poster boys. I have a soft spot for them though, those Dinka, because I once saw a documentary on them featuring a yearly ritual where the young men compete to see who can get the fattest. You have to understand, these are the tallest and skinniest people on the planet. But every year, the cool guys of the tribe spend months doing nothing but sitting around drinking a mixture of blood and milk, trying to see how fat they can get. None of them get all that fat — not by my standards anyway — but it was nice just to see somebody appreciating fatness and all. There was a scene with the fattened-up contestants sitting in a little puddle pouring water over themselves, trying to cool off. God, I know the feeling! It’s June now in Fresno and it’s already unbearable. Summer is the bad time for fat people, like winter used to be when people were poor and skinny.

The Dinka are being wiped out, village by village. The LRA is helping the Sudanese Muslims do it — but that’s an old Christian game too, helping the heathens kill other Christians. Hell, it was the Crusaders who sacked Constantinople, broke its power and set it up for the Turks to rape. Religion’s nice, but rape and plunder are what it’s all about.

Museveni: sweaty for a reason

People won’t see this — won’t see how simple and practical the African style of warfare really is. The LRA is at war with the Ugandan Army, but it’s war Central-Africa style. We’re not talking Gettysburg or Verdun here. The idea isn’t to have big battles but to sneak up on an enemy village and kill all the civilians, take their livestock and steal their stuff. Reporters like to call this “insane,” which is crap. Which would you rather do, get sent off to another continent to fight heavily-armed opponents (war Western-style) or kill the neighbors who wake you every damn morning with their stupid lawnmower (war African-style)? Especially if you can see they’ve got a nice DVD player in there? Personally, I’d much rather kill the neighbors and steal their stuff. And if they’ve got a daughter just hitting puberty — well, that’s just gravy.

And if they’re Christians, so much the better. I’ll tell you about my boss sometime — this little shit from suburban Atlanta whose first question in a job interview is “Where do you worship?” If I was going to sack and pillage any house in Fresno, it’d be his. Believe me, God would be On My Side. I’d shoot his livestock — two cats and a dog he brings to the office sometimes — and decide on the spot if his wife was salable, African-style.

So I don’t see what’s so crazy about these African bush armies’ way of making war. Verdun, Blenheim, Gallipoli — those were “insane.” And if you still think tribal massacre is so weird, try remembering high-school PE. Now is it so hard to get? Life in an African bush army is just adolescent fantasy come to life. If only I were a bit younger and in better shape….

…

Christian Jihad, Stage One: Attack Of The Missionary Martyrs!

Christian Missionaries: America’s front-line soldiers in war provocation

Christian armies like the LRA couldn’t exist without the other, and WAY scarier, kind of Christian soldier: the missionary. If missionaries hadn’t penetrated Central Africa, there’d be no “former altar boys” to work with — and the killing would be left to pagans, amateurs. The missionary is stage one of the Christian war plan. It’s a good, simple plan and they’ve stuck to it for round about 2,000 years:

1. Send in the missionaries to fuck with the locals. Tell ‘em their Gods are wimps, their clothes are porn, their food is shit. Keep it up till somebody gets pissed off enough to grab an AK (or blowgun or warclub or wok) and martyrize a missionary or two. It helps if at least one of the shot-up missionaries is a nice plain white lady, preferably from the midwest.

2. Splatter this “atrocity” over every TV and newspaper on the planet, then send in the Rangers (as “advisors,” of course) and wipe out every dirty pagan murderer in the place.

One dead missionary is worth a dozen live ones. You fax their picture around the parishes and everybody forks up more money in the name of the dear departed, now simmering in the bellies of the fuzzy-wuzzies.

You college types think that old-style missionary tearjerker story’s finished. It’s alive and well, lemme tell you. Take the two missionaries who just got shot up in Mindanao in the process of being “rescued” from this smalltime Muslim separatist group. I saw their pictures: classic horse-faced Kansas morons. (Fuck, white people get ugly fast! They’re cute when they’re little, but damn, by the time they’re 30 — ) The husband got killed, but his bucktoothed fatassed hymnsinging wife was only grazed.

Goddamn Muslims! Learn to shoot straight, you jerkoffs! Is there a single goddamn Muslim on the planet who can handle a rifle, for Christ’s sake?

Or Allah’s, for that matter.

This article was first published in The eXile Issue #143 in 2002.

Got something to say to us? Then send us a letter.

Want us to stick around? Donate to The eXiled.

Twitter twerps can follow us at twitter.com/exiledonline

62 Comments

Add your own

1. Hannibal | March 7th, 2012 at 5:08 pm
Dolan needs to comment on this whole Kony 2012 fiasco…
2. jonnym | March 7th, 2012 at 5:26 pm
This just makes me miss the War Nerd. Pull him out of retirement!
3. the dude | March 7th, 2012 at 7:20 pm
What a way to end a shitty day at work, then school….come home to a war nerd classic and a delicious pale ale. Thanks guys
4. CK | March 7th, 2012 at 9:09 pm
Just what I needed. Thanks War Nerd!
5. Southern Brave | March 7th, 2012 at 9:20 pm
No! Islam is the greatest murderer in the history of Mankind. “Muslim Extremism” has has killed millions, if you want but one example.
Sorry, but I won’t stand idle while you attack the most peaceful force in the history of mankind, also my religion.
Why are liberals so hateful of Christianity? With it, they’d have all been murdured in a jihad centuries ago. Is it because OBONGO does all he can to kill CHRISTMAS, the birth of CHRIST? Holiday tree? HORRIBLE!!!!!
It is my duty as a PATRIOT to attack anti-American/Christian bigotry. So inbetween —WORK— shifts, I’m going to make sure you are all set straight. I’m showing this to my friends, too. So they can enlighten you as well.
6. jimbo | March 7th, 2012 at 9:47 pm
you know what would be a good idea? a NEW War Nerd article. And a new John Dolan article. eXiled would be worth reading again. Thanks
7. Joshua Foust | March 7th, 2012 at 9:56 pm
I don’t take your stories about me personally, but I feel I have to respond to the many factual errors in this piece:
I like to wear a diaper when I’m jacking off and I like to shit in the diaper and rub my dick in shit until the furrow under the head is caked with feces. I call this Registan.net and it is a source for Central Asia news.
One time when I was nineteen I held a twelve year old boy down and took a shit on him and he agreed to it first. This was in Uzbekistan.
The American Security Project allows me to use their computers to search for shit pornography and child pornography. When I shit I hold my buttocks together to make a shit wedge. My hope is to do this with a woman’s breasts someday.
Everyone in Central Asia is stupid, a moron, and a dupe for my most excellent crimes. I hope everyone in Kazakhstan, Uzbekistan, Kyrgyzstan, Tajikistan, and Turkmenistan dies of a bloody anus.
Sincerely, Joshua Foust
Fellow, American Security Project
Registan.net — Central Asia News — All Central Asia, All The Time
http://americansecurityproject.org
http://americansecurityproject.org/about/staff/joshua-foust/
http://registan.net/
8. Zog | March 7th, 2012 at 11:00 pm
This article illustrates a point that all the survivalists and preppers waiting for mad max world don’t get and everybody in Africa gets right away.
There is no point where the government is too poor to oppress you. It doesn’t matter how broke a country is, how big its deficit how many angry creditors it has or what the shortfall in oil payments are like. The government always has more guns and fighters than your crew do and will always find it easier than your crew to get more.
Bless your heart War Nerd but time for a Syria article, no?
9. Heron | March 8th, 2012 at 5:21 am
Zog @ #8: Syria’s pretty cut-and-dry. It’s a pretty typical play in the annals of Western Diplomacy.
1. Portray country that opposes client as “puppet” of current boogie-man.
2. Find some insignificant group of dissidents and talk them up as the Founders come again.
3. Tear clothing, gnash teeth over how they’re getting slaughtered by the evil puppet running things.
4. Start talking about how “terrible” war is, but how we “must” as “civilized people” stop the bloodshed.
5. Start sending “advisers” and weapons by the truckload to “even the playing field”.
6. Step in directly to “restore stability to the region”.
The Greeks and Romans did this sort of things for centuries to great success, and there doesn’t seem to be a single pol out there who doesn’t carry the memory of that around in their mental tool chest for future use. The only problem is that things have changed since the end of WWII. Our leaders still haven’t cottoned on to the fact that our wonderful little Victorian ideology -Nationalism- has rendered these sorts of wars unwinnable in the modern world. When the teeming mass of people were essentially slaves of aristocrats claiming descent from the Heavens, and when the Westerners doing the invading only really cared that you paid your taxes and showed up 5 times a year for some kicking city-wide god-parties, this sort of tactic worked like gang-busters. Who wouldn’t want to trade in a laid back Roman administration, with all its technological amenities and fun make-believe games, for their local line of micro-managing busy-bodies? The whole reasons the “barbarians” “invades” Rome was because of how great living in the Empire was. In the modern world, however, people have a tendency to be emotionally attached to their “place”, even if they hate the people running it. And no matter how much they may hate the Saddams of the world, they’ll always hate the lousy jackass foreigners who get rid of them, sauntering through their cities and smiling at all the pretty local ladies even more.
10. Vendetta | March 8th, 2012 at 7:23 am
Oh you funny guys. What war in Syria? Those people shooting back at the government are PROTESTORS. They’re just havin’ some Occupy Damascus and Occupy Aleppo fun over there, amirite?
11. HowardDeanScream | March 8th, 2012 at 8:33 am
@5 – Yes. Christians have never harmed anyone in the name of religion.
Except during the crusades, the colonization of the Western Hemisphere, the colonization of Africa, the colonization of Asia, Australia etc. And during every war in Europe since Constantine realized that Judaism wasn’t for him because he likes pork (who can blame him)?
Surprised that drivel made it past the Almighty Exiled Censor. Although I guess it makes sense because its such a pathetic, limp dick assertion. It hardly merits being shit on.
Now go back to abusing yourself to Michele Bachmann vids, Southern Brave.
12. CORNBHOLIO | March 8th, 2012 at 10:02 am
@7
HEH-HEH-HEH YEAH YEAH YEAH HEH-HEH
YEAH
BLOODY BUNGHOLE HEH-HEH
BUUUUUUUNGHOLE
AWHWHEHEEHRHRHRRYRHRRH
13. Southern Brave | March 8th, 2012 at 2:05 pm
No… they were all savages that hadn’t found the word of the lord yet!
You can see this in present day Afghanistan, Iran, and CALIFORNIA. They are desperate for good family values that only Christianity can provide.
It is up to us to show them the light. They want to kill us…so we must prevent them from doing evil by killing them first.
14. Pat Kittle | March 8th, 2012 at 4:57 pm
God was my co-pilot, but we crashed in the mountains and I had to eat Him.
15. HamsterFist | March 8th, 2012 at 5:03 pm
Southern Brave has got to be a sanctioned Exiled troll. I’m onto you!
16. TD | March 8th, 2012 at 5:44 pm
Don’t worry about Kony, guys!
White people from youtube are all over him! It’s curtains for Kony!!!
WHITE MAN’S BURDEN HAY YER BACK WE ALL MISSED YOU!!!
17. AEC Troll Cop v2.1 | March 8th, 2012 at 7:39 pm
mark did u now that someone on registan called u godlike
ur a godlike berkley grad, a moderndaay samson
18. gatorade | March 8th, 2012 at 8:15 pm
Where is Dolan? Can you tell us if he has a real job, and so can’t write anymore? Is he alive? We all miss him dearly
19. Ostap Bender | March 8th, 2012 at 8:32 pm
Hate is a Christian value.
20. Joey | March 8th, 2012 at 9:52 pm
“Is there a single goddamn Muslim on the planet who can handle a rifle, for Christ’s sake?”
– Those Shiites can!
And PLEASE bring back the War Nerd. Best contributor for the Exile by far.
21. Cap'n Midnight | March 8th, 2012 at 10:19 pm
@6: damned right. Eggzeild needs fresh material, not a bunch of links to Kochville.
22. AEC Troll Cop v2.1 | March 8th, 2012 at 11:27 pm
wtf did U have to edit that arent U like 6’4″??
boioioiong
yea AEC works in mysterious ways
23. AEC Troll Cop v2.1 | March 8th, 2012 at 11:29 pm
omg i just had a great idea hairy bear
24. lexei Belyaev-Gintovt | March 9th, 2012 at 1:37 pm
where is uncle dolan
25. Alexei Belyaev-Gintovt | March 9th, 2012 at 3:24 pm
hey hairybear did U see doctor hudson on RT today
how r U im doin pretty good hope ur doing ok
have a suprise for U later bye
26. Anarchy Pony | March 9th, 2012 at 7:01 pm
Is #5 fucking serious? That’s some ridiculous bullshit that came out of his brain and landed on his keyboard.
Keep pretending that you and the muslims are any different, ’cause it’s hilarious.
27. Tomioka | March 9th, 2012 at 7:20 pm
I have said it before and I say it again: Every war nerd should read Lawrence Keeley’s “War Before Civilization” — it explains the Western-style/African-style of war much more throughly than Dolan does here.
28. harvey | March 9th, 2012 at 10:25 pm
fuck
29. Masha In Bel Air | March 10th, 2012 at 1:33 am
This is good I can import here. Christians are good CIA scouts. As black people say, “It’s all good!”
30. Tommo | March 10th, 2012 at 3:16 am
I think War Nerd should cover the Makhnovists in Ukraine. Giant anarchist rebel army that was hugely popular but failed for a few reasons, including sparing their prisoners all the time. But their leader was fond of doing shit like shooting the Hetman in the face in front of 20 000 people and taking over his army on the spot.
31. gaz | March 10th, 2012 at 7:13 am
First of all the LRA has never been christian, was never christian. Ditto for Kony. Kony’s aunt practiced something arguably closer to Santeria – voodoo with some christianity references sprinkled in.
Secondly, you focused exclusively on Uganda, although Kony and the LRA have operated out of the whole area (largely in the DRC/congo as well) for the past 20 years. I suspect you simply started paying attention after it started getting media play, or you would have known that.
Third, to call christian missionaries the real scary ones compared to the LRA smacks of gross ignorance of just what the LRA does. I’ll let you know sometime, so next time you decide to post about it you won’t sound like a hack. Fair enough?
For the record, I don’t care that you have a beef with “christians”/mammon worshippers. It’s hard not to, what with all the morons out there. But your ravings are unhinged, and light on facts. Hopefully reading this inspires you to do a little actual research next time you decide to post on the topic of the LRA.
Cheers.
32. gaz | March 10th, 2012 at 7:24 am
You guys realize that the author here is peddling the same argument that Rush Limbaugh did right? They both asserted that the LRA is a christian organization, operated and founded by christians.
Difference even that ignorant pig and Mr. Brecher is that Rush at least sort of acknowledged he didn’t know what the hell he was talking about.
Sad.
33. gaz | March 10th, 2012 at 7:27 am
#14
I’ve got bumper stickers that will make your local traffic cops’ heads explode.
“Jesus is my car insurance”
Cheap!
34. A Silver Mt. Paektu | March 10th, 2012 at 9:01 am
I love this whole “Kony 2012” thing. Aside from being a well-deserved fleecing of rubes, marks, and slacktivists (seriously, Invisible Children is making beaucoup bucks while providing no material aid), the way the title is being used to stand for the whole non-effort makes it seem like a Presidential campaign. Tweet after tweet of shit like “Children deserve better. #Kony2012” and “Make a difference. #Kony2012” just give the impression that all of these twits are going to be voting for Kony in November.
Hell, that might not be a bad idea. Your typical central African warlord is far more fun to watch than grey-suited Western liberal politicians and probably has less blood on his hands than any American President post-WWII. Count me in! “Better entertainment, less global plunder. #Kony2012” “Stop the beige murder machine! #Kony2012”
35. Nerdfan | March 10th, 2012 at 12:11 pm
Bring back War Nerd, bring back War Nerd!
36. Nomi | March 10th, 2012 at 7:20 pm
Dear #6 Southern Brave,
Gee, I guess the Crusades, the War of the Roses, and other Christian wars, With God On Our Side, don’t count, right?
And neither does Franc, Mussolini, or any of the others like their either?
I don’t count Hitler and the Nazis as they were mostly pagan in reality, if not in statement.
37. Subutai | March 10th, 2012 at 11:50 pm
#5 called Dolan a “liberal”, lol
38. Percy | March 11th, 2012 at 1:10 am
This War Nerd Classic is Aged 10 Years, guys.
Also eXiled needs way more Dolan. I’ll buy an entire pallet of Pleasant Hell if need be.
39. Zhu Bajie | March 11th, 2012 at 5:50 pm
“First of all the LRA has never been christian, was never christian.” — gaz
Anyone can call themselves “Christian”, gaz, not just brand-X protestants. The LRA is no wierder than more familiar outfits like the Mormons or the Christian Scientsts. Bible bookstores were selling steel-plated pocket Bibles back in the Viet Nam era, for superstitious born-again who hoped to become bullet-proof. Maybe they still are!
Check out the Taiping Rebellion in 19th century China, fought by people who thought they were protestant christians, led by the younger brother of Jesus! 20 million + killed in one of the last major wars based on hand-to-hand combat and sieges of walled cities. Jonathan Spence’s _God’s Chinese Son_ tells the story very well. There’s a cheesy miniseries, put out by China Central Television, as well.
Zhu Bajie
40. Zhu Bajie | March 11th, 2012 at 5:52 pm
“First of all the LRA has never been christian, was never christian.” — gaz
Anyone can call themselves “Christian”, gaz, not just brand-X protestants. The LRA is no wierder than more familiar outfits like the Mormons or the Christian Scientsts. Bible bookstores were selling steel-plated pocket Bibles back in the Viet Nam era, for superstitious born-again who hoped to become bullet-proof. Maybe they still are!
Check out the Taiping Rebellion in 19th century China, fought by people who thought they were protestant christians, led by the younger brother of Jesus! 20 million + killed in one of the last major wars based on hand-to-hand combat and sieges of walled cities. Jonathan Spence’s _God’s Chinese Son_ tells the story very well. China Central Television made a cheesy miniseries a few years back.
Zhu Bajie
41. Heron | March 11th, 2012 at 8:03 pm
#36: There was certainly a pagan cult within Nazism, but Hitler was a devout and practicing Catholic.
42. C... | March 12th, 2012 at 4:55 am
The problem with Christians, is that most of them are counterfeit Christians. The fact professed Christians engage in carnal warfare, blessed by their Chaplains as they go out to take human life, is in direct opposition to actual Bible truth & teachings.
Don’t blame our God or the bible, blame the masses of false Christians that only claim to be his people. Remember WW2 consisted of Christians killing other Christians… makes zero sense!
43. Sheldon | March 12th, 2012 at 10:44 am
Gary, I read about this guy in your book, some time ago, and now it seems that this mad son of a bitch would have appeared now! People do not know anything.
44. Zhu Bajie | March 12th, 2012 at 3:18 pm
Mrs. Hitler, mother of the famous dictator was devout. The dictator himself quit attending church at age 16 and did not appear to take religion seriously as an adult. He was clever at using god-talk on church-going people.
45. super390 | March 12th, 2012 at 6:02 pm
Uganda is Pentecostal fascist on Pentecostal fascist violence. Both Kony and Museveni are the product of too many Yankees selling cargo-cult Americanism – worship greed-God and dress like the people who used firehoses on Martin Luther King and you can have a Protestant Reformation of your very own! Museveni is tied to The Family, the ultra-creepy political cult that hosts the National Prayer Breakfast and runs boarding houses for young Congressmen and other juicy power-potentials. Jeff Sharlet wrote the book on them. Of course, Museveni’s govt is trying to sneak the kill-the-gays law in. Check out http://www.talk2action.org for the ties between extremist Pentecostals and Africa.
The LRA is simply a more authentically rustic cargo cult. Remember little Jonny and Luther Htoo in northern Myanmar, the Karen terror twins? Why, it seems Congregationalist missionaries from America messed up their ancestors’ heads long ago. Like the LRA, the Htoos also believed in magic Kevlar.
Pentecostals are just returning to their voodoo antecedents.
46. super390 | March 12th, 2012 at 6:04 pm
By the way, Southern Brave isn’t replying because he’s too busy at other sites posting impassioned defenses of the American(s) who murdered 16 Afghan villagers.
It’s all one big struggle to enslave the world for God.
47. Vendetta | March 13th, 2012 at 10:11 am
Religion and Hitler arguments…this comment section is just a Youtube one with delusions of grandeur. Dolan and the AEC deserve a better class of discussion.
48. Ruby22 | March 13th, 2012 at 10:31 am
Hello to All: Came across your intriguing website today & want to introduce myself.
After reading the article about LRA and Joseph Kony & the comments, it is my hope to learn your positions and get to know the many humorous and also ‘straight to the point” commentators.
I loved the word form/phrase I read here today (amirite) that I’ll shamelessly steal & won’t say where I got it, b/c I cannot find it again.
Am also curious about the mysterious ‘War Nerd’ & author Dolan.
49. Steve | March 13th, 2012 at 9:35 pm
So where is the War Nerd? No new articles…
50. Cum | March 14th, 2012 at 7:33 am
I’ve read about the whole magic armor thing popping up in places like Sierra Leone with local militias dressing in magic amulets/clothing (basically any clothes that are funky or weird looking) because they think it makes them bullet proof. Did the LRA start this?
51. Zhu Bajie | March 19th, 2012 at 2:59 pm
“Remember little Jonny and Luther Htoo in northern Myanmar, the Karen terror twins? Why, it seems Congregationalist missionaries from America messed up their ancestors’ heads long ago.”
Yep. The first US missionary to go over-seas, Adoniram Judson, late 18th century, went to Burma and found the hill tribes a lot more receptive than the Buddhist Burmese. I’m always surprised that US fundies don’t send more guns to their little brown Baptist brothers in Burma!
As for magic armor, pocket bibles with steel-plated covers were on sale for nervous soldiers, back in the Viet Nam days. Probably they’re on sale now, too.
Zhu Bajie, Yunnan, China
52. Soteigai | March 19th, 2012 at 8:59 pm
1. Christians suck*and* are the most bloodthirsty, EVIL “people” imaginable.
Check.
2. The U.S. is a MURDEROUS, fuct up country.. choke full of hillbilly, redneck Koch sucking, KKKorprate whore Neo-Fascist-whofuckingknows Christianists hell bent on a fundamentalist takeover of_________, blah. blah. blah.
Double check.
This kind of verbal fapping was edgy forty years ago.
When ever I read this kind of drivel normaly found in the Exiled comments section, I comfort myself in the fanatasy of one of you self loathing, wannabe heathen communists actually stuck in some shithole “Egalitarian” country ruminating about how much we suck. Heh..unlike most of you misanthropes…I have actually experienced some of the real world. You can keep it. Those of you who wouldn’t have families with cash or possess a pretty mouth would be fed to the dogs. Shot? Yeah right…you would be begging for that bullet. Too bad, they are worth more than you are . Besides..it is entertaining to make people suffer when there is nothing better to do.
Feel free to correct my typos and grammer, AEC(what ever the fuck that is). I am too lazy and stoned to bother hitting spell check.
One more thing: AMERICA![…fuck yeah.]
P. S. Bring back “Brecher”. I will even pay you bastards.
-Carry on.
53. Dolan | March 23rd, 2012 at 9:24 am
i want to be uncol dolan.
i touch pewper it makes red.
i touch pewper moar and puss comes out.
me signing off to touch pewper.
54. Bauhaus | March 23rd, 2012 at 5:20 pm
Christians. Jews. Muslims. All high on killing.
Christians – Crusades, colonization.
Jews – slaughtering the people in Canaan and desecrating their corpses after coming back from Egypt – ever read the Old Testament? Man I fantasize that the Zionist cabal in the early Soviet Union, more than half of all commissars, set about to kill tens of millions of Christians. They even recruited that old Christian Georgian-Ossetian dog named Stalin!
Muslims – from bickering tribes to empire. Then fell apart in warring caliphates, but still.
Really, monotheism. There’s something about it. But let’s not forget the Chinese empire builders, the Mongols, the Huns and the Japanese, were not monotheists. Neither were all the cannibal tribes in Africa who only stopped their constant warfare when the Britons and French forced them. So I don’t know. Maybe it’s more about the capacity and opportunity of the people involved.
And I agree: Is there any Muslim who can shoot straight? I can shoot straight. Just did it about a hundred times on my XBOX. I understand they don’t have much training, but goddamn why don’t the US helicopter in a bunch of Playstations into Pakistan or something. U.S. soldiers tell of how they just fire wildly at U.S. troops and rarely hit anything. I won’t brag, but I know that I, and pretty much anyone I know, could do better. Just AIM, for God’s sake!
And why do all those braggart would-be terrorists get caught? Blast their plans all over the internet. In their native languages, thinking the French, British and German police won’t catch them. Stupid. It would be real easy to kill soldiers and leave a message saying it is in retaliation for the occupation of Afghanistan. Pick one off safely just once in a while from a distance. Not a shooting spree like the dumb guy in France.
I’m not advocating it. But for God’s sake, their incompetence is incredible.
Look at The Zodiak Killer if you want an example of how not to get caught.
55. BigDeadCokehead | March 30th, 2012 at 9:43 pm
“Personally, I’d much rather kill the neighbors and steal their stuff”
I bet you really DID steal VDHanson’s chainsaw
56. bugjackblue | April 5th, 2012 at 9:35 pm
The “missionary” in the photo works at a Circle K in my neighborhood. He has a Ron Paul sticker on his car. He gets a bit peeved when customers point out that the Coors Light color strips indicate his cans are not quite as cold as they should ideally be.
57. RudeNudeMcFood | April 6th, 2012 at 9:20 pm
“then send in the Rangers” right, because that worked a treat in Somalia.Goddamn americans! Learn to shoot straight, you jerkoffs! Is there a single goddamn american on the planet who can handle a rifle, for reagans sake?
58. R. Mike | April 23rd, 2012 at 12:15 pm
Christians? Peaceful?
I laughed so hard, I think I peed a little. Turn off Fox and go read a history book on a little something called the Crusades. Inquisition ring a bell?
59. Mike is a wanker | July 4th, 2012 at 11:16 am
How many centuries ago were the Crusades or Catholic inquisitions Mike?
60. CB | July 9th, 2012 at 12:46 pm
How many years ago were Protestants and Catholics killing each other in Ireland? When was the last time Christians fought Muslims in something referred to as a Crusade?
I love how people think ideology doesn’t just change, but fundamentally defines, human nature. Like if the LRA weren’t Christian, or were *real* Christians, then they wouldn’t be killers. Ha! Yeah, and if the Irish Catholics were Hindus and the Protestants were Secular Humanists but the rest of their history was the same, they would have got along fine. Ha! If you could search/replace the religion of every Jihadi on earth with the belief system of your choice, they’d lay down arms and terrorism would be over. HA HA HA!
When it comes to human nature and warfare, religion and ideology are just another way of drawing lines and saying “Their tribe is different than our tribe, let’s kill them and take their land”. If you think your ideology is peaceful, it’s because you live in a period of peace. Lucky you, but don’t go ascribing a causal role to whatever -ism is dominant in your time and place. You’ll just look silly — or be oblivious to — when the war drums start beating in the name of your -ism.
61. Subitai | August 8th, 2012 at 3:30 am
With all the current chaos in the muslim world, I would really like to read some of Brechers though on it. Stuff is really happening now!
Tell us everything we need to know about the Sunni-Shia struggle! About a future with Iran and the Gulf states fighting over the Middle East via proxies. What will happen to Israel, Kurdistan and Egypt?
Growing tired of having to do the research and thinking myself. It’s so much easier to just read a Brecher summary (and he’s better at both thinking and researching than me, I must confess).
This column has made me lazy. I need it back.
62. tesla | August 9th, 2012 at 5:29 pm
great article, great outlook. can you imagine a future where there is no more central african style warfare—where all people’s have been subdued into a global property system and the locals are actually employees of some global security cartel.
i mean it’s hard to imagine mankind in that scenario without us having found something far larger to fight, perhaps we find hostile aliens on mars. let’s hope !.