Issue #29/54, December 17 - 29, 1998  

ROLLING [sic]

Editor,
For three issues straight you guys have been bragging about how you got into Rolling Stone magazine, and it's getting a little tiring. Big deal, guys. You got lucky, or maybe you sucked someone's dick there. Nevertheless, it doesn't make up for the fact that your paper is still an empty, self-promoting vehicle for your egoes, and a way to make you famous for the basest reasons around, to screw equally empty-headed dyevs. While I'm shocked and saddened that magazine of William Grieder and PJ O'Rourke has been duped into promoting you're fame, the least you can do for your readers is to stop bragging about it like children and behave a little more gracefully.

Shelly Wasserman

Dear Ms. Wasserman,
Are you by chance talking about the article about the eXile in Rolling Stone's November 26th issue, number 800? You know, the article entitled "Bright Lights, Red Square" on page 50, written by Brian Preston? If you are, then it's interesting you should mention it, because the success resulting from that article means that we've hit the big time. As of this writing, the eXile, under representation from the William Morris Agency, is closing both a 6-figure Hollywood contract to make a movie, and a book deal, in order to keep that choo-choo-train-o'-fame a-chuggin' into every hometown. Including your own!

eXILE, STAGE LEFT

Exile,
What was the deal with that shitty party you had for Bandit-Aid? As Gertrude Stein said, "There was no there there."

A fan

Dear Fan,
We hear that there was a strange case of Snagglepussitus going around that night. Even our own editors, Ames and McWechsler, Snagglepussed against their own wills and without even knowing how they Snagglepussed out of there, while Taibbi had such a gnarly case of Snagglepussitus, that he Snagglepussed all the way out to New York just before the party, even. Our experts are looking into the matter, but it's thought that the root cause was, and we quote, "that it sucked." We'll let you know more as the reports come in.

BE A LOSER LIKE ME

So,
Big shit! You think you know about wealth and about who delivers it to who needs it. Hmmm..... Great paper! One of the best I've seen in a while! Fresh, arrogant and ballsy!! Do you guys needs someone experienced in the ways of the post sovyak underworld? Been there, done that, got the tee shirt!!! All the way since 1988-- baby!!! If you do... let me know. Russian is passable, English spelling sucks. American education I guess.... In any case accept me or not...two things: DON'T GO TO THAT GREAT SATTELITE IN THE SKY, I.E., HOLYWOOD. It would only cheepen your experience! Fuck those pathetic non-Moscovite ASSHOLES! What do you guys want? Another Dr. Zhivago on your hands?! FUCK THEM AND THE HORSE THEY RODE IN ON! THEY ARE A BUNCH OF PATHETIC, SELF CENTERED MONEY GRUBBING SHIT HEADS! RUSSIA AND THE WHOLE WORLD DESERVES BETTER.

Dear Illiterate,
Haven't you people figured it out yet? We never liked you. You can't imagine the contempt we have for you, and for all of humanity, for allowing us to get away with this. The only painful part for us is that, while we've been small-time, we've actually had to hobnob with you, John Q. Public, while we stepped on your heads in our desperate climb to the top. Now that we're there, and safely away from the likes of you, we're supposed to climb down to listen to YOUR stupid-assed opinions?! The whole point of going Hollywood is that we'll never, ever have to deal with people like you again. We'll pay some scrubs to read our mail, and send you autographed pictures of ourselves with the inscription, "Get a life, idiot!"

ASPIRING SPINSTER

Oops, just missed your party, Dear Editor. Don't think I missed much though. Getting shit-faced and orgies is not my thing. Thanks anyway.

Are you closing down yet?

Tease

Dear Tease,
Have you gotten laid yet?

CHARLOTTE'S WEB

"They'll need to identify with you, so you've got to be good. I mean you essentially are good anyway, right?" I see you entering the microwave of mass culture and within seconds becoming a puddle of your former existance. It would be a shame.

Charlotte Audrey Poloncsik (glowworm@gwu.edu)

"The middle of the road is never where you find all the cool dead things."
--Max

"I give you fair warning before you attempt me further, I am not what you supposed, but far different."
--W.W.

Dear Charlotte,
First off, what the fuck kind of username is "glowworm"? Your epigraphs are lame, your last name sounds foreign and stupid, your English is atrocious, but we haven't seen what you look like and you are probably equipped with a 400 horsepower outboard snapper, so we won't tell you to fuck off just yet. Send us a picture of yourself nude, legs apart, spreading open your lips with your painted fingers, and we'll try to give you the best response possible.

MALCOLM eX-HOLE

Mark,
I just read your latest article. Boy, you motivate me. Everyone is calling me an 'asshole' for getting the eX- thing. Now I'm really fucked thanks to you. But if everything you wrote about that Norbert guy is true, you know there couldn't be a bigger asshole than you.

Nkem!

Mark Ames responds:

Dear Nkem,
At least I'm not a nigger.

JEAN THE MOVIE

The real actress to play Jean Machine MacKenzie is not Meryl Streep. The most qualified is the actress who plays 'Cary' or 'Carrie' or whatever on ER. Check her out on NVT at 10:40pm M-Th. Same face, same carrot top (haven't seen Jean lately but last time she had a bad orange die job), same witchiness. But it's that screeching voice that just immediately reminded me of Ms. MacKenzie. Her character in ER she limps and walks with a crutch, but that shouldn't be a reason to discreminate against her. Only problem is that she's about a size 4, so you'd have to inflate her or inject her with fat. Then she would be perfect.

A member of the Club

Dear "member,"
Exactly what club is it you think you're a member of? The sit around drinking Diet Pepsi and watch "ER" club? Seriously, no one who watches "ER" has any business reading the eXile. Besides, we've already narrowed down the casting choices for Jean to three options. Of course, the original front runner was the fat afroed broad who played Shirley on "What's Happening," but then we realized that, with a mustache, she'd be perfect to play our old sales manager Kara (pronounced Cair-uh). But the three picks of the moment now are (1) Kathy Bates (the middlebrow favorite); (2) Bette Davis's rotten corpse; and (3) Bert, our dead, syphillis-infected, football-picking chimpanzee. All of us here are really rooting for Bert. After all, he deserves after being called out of death retirement last issue only to be sent abruptly back.

TRY A NEW THIRD WORLD COUNTRY: THE AMERICAN SOUTH

As a reformed Exhole, I would like to extend an invitation to welcome y'all to the American South. When the Russian economy comes to complete anarchy, you should relocate to the Deep South. I myself live in Columbia, SC, but I believe Mississippi or Alabama could also suffice.

Its like a third world country without all the hassles. Corrupt, inept politicians, an active death penalty, illiteracy and rampant stupidity. Plus, in SC, no lottery, but we do have video poker, although church bingo is illegal. See the intelligence at work here. This state definitely does not have "Intel on the inside". The possibilities for your wry editorial wit and scorning sarcasm would be endless. It would be like shooting fish in a barrel for y'all. The women will remind you of Moscow, as they want to marry any man with teeth and a job, except they don't put out until you take 'em to church. But you can always fly back to Moscow for a Bangkok like sex tour. After living here for only a short time, you can see why Johnny Reb lost the war. Of course, to these rednecks, it is still going on, because they can't read. And finally, the clincher, they get even lower SAT scores than the public crackhouses, er, I mean schools in D.C. South Carolina needs that Bandit Aid more desperately than D.C. Come on down, we'll keep the still fired up for you. The mint julep is to die for.

A trapped Russophile in healthily xenophobic SC
Wain- The Damn Yankee

PS- You guys kick ass, although Claire Shipman is much better babage than Bobbie Batista.

Dear Wain,
You do realize that the correct spelling of your name is "Wayne," don't you? I guess that's what you get for being an inbred southern type. We'd like to offer more of a comment on your thoughtfully punctuated note, but we got sidetracked by the third word and went back to finding new ways to boost our dwindling speed reserves. Frankly, we think it's about time morons like you started killing yourselves instead of writing us inane letters.