Issue #30/55, December 29, 1998 - January 14, 1999  smlogo.gif


In This Issue
Feature Story

Golden Hairy Ass Awards
"chi-XXX-ploitation" page


By Edward Limonov

Dr. Limonov's Best of 1998

Time of Christmas and New Year, season of greetings. But it is also time for reflection. Millions of tons of snow are falling on frozen mother Russia. Steppenwolfs are coming closer to villages in order to warm themselfs and to eat some leftovers of men's life, opening the garbage cans and garbage bags. Unfortunately, it is not much to eat after Russians.

Christmas it is best time to think over leaving year. To remember what was good, what was bad, the victories and the terrible moments of fall and loss.

Russia have had three prime ministers in 1998. Which one was the schmuckiest of three: Chernomyrdin, Kiriyenko, or else new old fart Primakov? All of them are equally uncapable. Chernomyrdin and Primakov are overweight and ugly. Kiriyenko has insignificant little face and voice of mosquito. One is forced to vote for Kiriyenko as a Top Prime Minister of 1998. His term in office was shortest possible, the age of young bureaucrat is yet tender, his abilities are nonexistent. He is the schmuck. The miracle brought Kiriyenko to prime-ministership of Russian government. The name of miracle was sickly Boris Yeltsin, angry Boris.

For the Top Dead Corpses of 1998 my nominees are General Lev Rokhlin and Galina Starovoitova. Murder of Rokhlin has romantical touch--he was killed, according to the police, by his own wife. His bodyguard heard nothing. Murder of Starovoitova, on the contrary, was done in a classical style of "entryway murder" (or "staircase murder," if one wishes).

It is interesting to point out at newest work of Russian dictionary, English word "killer" happily adopted by Russians. Unknown killers of Starovoitova have had demonstrated beautifully professional work, even the weapons used by them were of exclusive sort, of never-heard, exotical sort. These couple of killers of Starovoitova are Best Top Killers of 1998, no doubt. I would give them also special prize for "elegant murder."

The Top Workers' Strike of 1998 is unmistakably the "miner sit-in" on Gorbaty Most, near Russian White House. Sit-in, we all remember, have lasted from June until October. Evil tongues have said that Mr. Berezovsky have had paid for miners' food and expenses in Moscow, and that Mr. Luzhkov have permitted that sit-in strike in order to destabilize the government. About all those Moscow intrigues we know nothing. But undoubtably the miners have had a good time here in Moscow, under capital's summer sun they got heavy tan, while if they worked inside mine deeply in earth they would be pale and sick. So miner sit-in on Gorbaty Most is a rare example of exploitation of rich by the poor--miners have had exploited banker Mr. Berezovsky.

As to the Top Girl of 1998, only nominee is my girlfriend Nastya. Why she? At fashion show of French couturier Jean-Charles Castelbajac, when Nastya and I have entered show-room all the photographers and TV-men have runned to Nastya, leaving beautiful models and stars of show-biz behind in order to shoot photos of Nastya. This because Nastya looks like she is 11 (while she is actual 16), she is an angel-like blonde with rosy cheeks, wears safety pins in her ears, she is 153 centimeters tall without her rangers and 157 centimeters wearing rangers. She has a gray eyes and is smart as a wizard. She laughs openly, has no fears. Although she is a little girl, she has more strength than all prime ministers of Russian put together. If one day Nastya will lift a car or a truck, it will be no surprize for me. And Nastya will laugh.

Nastya's preferred heroes are: Hitler, Marilyn Manson, and me.

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