Issue #18/99, September 14 - 28, 2000  

EXILE SPORTS NOTES

What Play is To Be Called?

In the last issue, the eXile proudly introduced its new sports columnist, legendary NFL coaching great Vladimir “Red” Lenin. In this issue, we are happy to announce that coach Ilyich will be making public appearances to provide live commentary on the games he picks. Beginning this week, eXile readers will able to find the famed creator of the “East Coast Offense” in front of the big screen at Metelitsa Sportland every Sunday night at 9 p.m. You’ll catch Coach sitting at a table drinking his customary cup of tea, viewing the action in what he calls “the only right and true NFL viewing place for the vitally dedicated socialist.” As he did in the early months of 1917, when he was constantly in danger of being caught and perishing at the hands of forces hostile to the revolution, Lenin may appear in disguise—perhaps even in the blond wig he wore in those glorious days. But you will recognize him by his eXile propeller cap, and by the curiously careful bourgeois table manners which were such a memorable trait of this complex and fascinating sporting great. If you get there before game time, he will make himself available to help you place your bets.

Metelitsa Sportland has a giant-screen TV and shows NFL games every week. You can bet on games there according to the latest spread. Coach Lenin disapproves of gambling in theory, calling betting the over/under “a vile counterrevolutionary vice which has no place in a true communist state,” but at the same time he understands the need to stimulate economic activity by any means possible during the revolutionary period. NFL trivia buffs may recall that it was Lenin who instituted the famous NBP, or New Bookmaking Policy, which mandated the temporary allowance of gambling in order to promote interest in the game during the difficult early years after the founding of the NFL.

Sportland is showing four games next week. Here are Coach Red’s assessments of each game, as well the brief synopsis of weeks 1 and 2 which he delivered this past Tuesday to the Central Committee.

REPORT
to the Central Committee of the National Football League
by V. I. Lenin

Esteemed comrades!

In weeks one and two of the new NFL season we have seen both great progress toward revolution and the appearance of dangerous trends which threaten to return the game to the dark days of Pete Rozelle’s rule. We were an encouraging 12-3 in Week One, and 10-5 against the “spread.” Also on the positive side, the arch-bourgeois fraud Gary Crowton has finally been exposed for his failure to understand the nuances of Marxist theory. As we Bolsheviks knew long ago, his “flash” theory of NFL offense, which relies on the simplistic belief that merely putting the ball in the hands of “playmaking” receivers will automatically result in enormous gains of yardage, has been revealed to be based on the same kind of superstitious faith in the benevolence of opposing defenses that for centuries left our people enslaved at the hands of Christianity. Crowton’s Bears were routed by Tampa Bay, 41-0. In a footnote to this development, I am pleased to announce that Warren Sapp has been named the new head of our Central Directorate of State Security, which in our enlightened revolutionary state protects all hardworking socialists from short-pass revanchism.

In a negative development, however, it appears that insufficient vigilance has been shown in the fight against the Greens. General Wayne Chrebet made huge gains on Soviet territory, primarily at the expense of our own Cornerback-General Antonio Langham, a former Czarist who has since been reassigned to new diplomatic duties in the nation of Iceland.

However, on the plus side, we can now say with perfect conviction that the “ref cam” has turned out, as predicted, to be an important new weapon which will allow us to obtain valuable intelligence about on-field developments.

But all of this is in the past. As always, we must look to the future. Here are the tasks which we face this week:

Sunday, September 17th
(9:00 p.m., Sportland time)
Buffalo Bills at New York Jets (-1)

The time for conventional thinking has passed. To favor the home team simply because this is the way things have always been done is no longer a feasible strategy. I think it would not be an exaggeration to say that the Bills have been our most stalwart allies in the struggle against counterrevolution this year. Their performance in shutting down the Kronstadt Titans will be remembered as a key event in the history of our young nation. We need more receivers like Eric Moulds. Take the Bills and the points. PICK: Bills

Monday, September 18
(00:15 a.m., Sportland time)
Minnesota Vikings at New England Patriots (-2)

Patriotism is a prison in which the class tyrant keeps man’s impulse to love his brother locked away. When you have Patriotism you have hatred and fear for fellow man on the other side of the border, who is oppressed just as you are yourself. I remain convinced that with the proper amount of agitation the Vikings will be able to make the line of scrimmage disappear by inciting socialist revolution in the Patriots’ huddle, which will in turn result in a quick end to hostilities. If this does not happen, we shall rely on Daunte Culpepper to break down New England’s pathetic pass rush and scramble for huge gains. PICK: Minnesota

(4:30 a.m., Sportland Time)
Baltimore Ravens at Miami Dolphins (+3 1/2)

In the future we will use dolphins as a form of sea transport, just as we use horses on land today. PICK: Miami

Tuesday, September 19th
(4:30 a.m. Sportland Times)
Dallas Cowboys at Washington Redskins (-11)

To hate one team shows purpose and conviction. But to hate both teams is to be a victim of an upbringing in a world in which the common run of man is denied rational political choices. PICK: Dallas

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