Today’s Defendant: This Universe

Statement of the Grand Inquisitor:
Thanks to a team of physicists at Cal Tech, the most sacred site in the Anglo world, we know at last the bitter truth: this universe is damned. We live under the unforgiving reign of the Second Law of Thermodynamics, a secular term for Original Sin. This we always knew. But now we know too that this fate was simply bad luck. In a trillion other universes, entropy is optional and one can pop like a snowboarder into past and future. But in our universe, for no reason but the flip of a molecule in the first nanosecond of the Big Bang, we walk the blind tunnel of time, like slave moles. (more…)

No this isn’t from the mugshot section of Smoking Gun. These are official portraits of the men in the Russian Duma, which is what they call the parliament around those parts. Looking at these caring faces, you just know that these guys have only one thing on their mind: making the world a better place for children and all living things.

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These photographs, dating back to early June, are from a graduation ceremony for Moscow’s MVD Academy. These totalitarian tyolkas almost make you wish that Russia would come and occupy your country (i.e. our country). Serve up some of that sovereign democracy, ladies!  

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eXiled Alert! Tyolka Tuesdays has been moved. From now on it’s going to be called “Tyolka”Thursdays” and will appear every Thursday, naturally. Relax, it’s still the same ol’ Russian chick fix, just on a different day of the week.

This week’s Tyolka Thursdays post shows just how serious Russians are about that old advertising adage. In Russia, sex sells everything. And that includes website hosting.

These pics are taken from a promo event for Moscow’s Hosting Telesystems, which introduced the company’s sexy staff to masturbating computer geeks from Kaliningrad to Kamchatka. They’re saying, “Hey nerds, if you host your lame site with us, you’ll have sex with our horny naked tyolka staff! We’ve got tyolkas doing everything: taking customer service calls, working the router racks (uh-uh-huh), defending their network against DoS attacks and, most importantly, scanning for all sorts of nasty viruses (uh-huh-huh) and trojan condoms, eh, we mean, horses!”

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This week on Tyolka Tuesday, we have something totally new. A Russian video sharing website called Smotri (which means “look” in Russian) just launched a new video chat function. It allows people to broadcast a live video feed from their desktop cameras while chatting with the public via a web instant messenger, sort of like a one-way Skype conversation that anyone can watch. Well, it doesn’t come as a surprise that Russia’s voyeuristic babes have taken a liking to this nifty service and have turned it into a virtual peep show for the masses overnight, literally. (more…)

We’ve been getting a lot of complaints lately. It seems many of our readers have been jonesing for their daily dyev fix ever since The eXile was taken offline by the Kremlin. Well, our policy at EXILED ONLINE is that the desperate customer is always right. While EXILED ONLINE does not have the resources to provide our deprived readers with 24/7 coverage, we can give you a weekly dyev fix. We can, and we will. And we’re calling it “Tyolka Tuesdays.”

• Tyol • ka n [Russ, a chick; a young woman, especially one who is sexually desirable and in heat]

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No dramatic photo compositions here, just grim pictures of burnt-out tanks, spent RPGs, charred human remains and columns of Russian armored machinery on patrol in South Ossetia and Georgia. Now updated with graphic photos straight from the battle scene. (more…)