THE PINCER PLAN

Seven years ago, holed up in my father’s house in San Jose, unemployed and over-the-hill, I devised a plan with my spiritual mentor, Dr. John Dolan. It was called “The Pincer Plan” and it went something like this: I’d move out of San Jose and attack the U.S. from Russia, poison pen raised like a bayonet-tipped flag, while he would lead a charge on America’s soft underbelly from New Zealand. We’d sweep through from the East and from the South, cutting the country in two, pushing a tidal wave of Beigeist blood in our midst... our armies would meet somewhere around the muddy Ohio River, having leapfrogged and surrounded Manhattan and Boston, the twin capitals of America’s literati Mafia. We’d regroup our armies, slowly strangle the two-headed snake of Beigeocracy, and force them once and for all to... to what?... not sure, but it had to be better than suffering through daily panic attacks in my stepbrother’s San Jose bedroom (he had joined the 82nd Airborne, was off somewhere practicing parachute jumps, leaving me even more ashamed and humiliated).

Seven years later, the Pincer Plan has run into a wall of literary muck not too unlike the mud and winter cold that ended Hitler’s advance on Moscow. The Pincer claws had already been unleashed: Dr. Dolan published a book last year through a top academic house, while the eXile book slipped across the shallow end of Manhattan’s Beigeist moat. It’s caused some problems, upset some stomachs. But the rivers of Beigeist blood hath not flowed. No ten-mile long caravans of tweedy, pencil-necked refugees fleeing the burning ruins of mid-town Manhattan and Commonwealth Ave. Instead we’ve been treated to endless half-assed, chummy attempts to co-opt us, as the Mafia has so successfully co-opted anything that ever threatened it; they co-opt them with the most meager offerings, the tiniest of milk bones.

The Pincer Plan failed. It quietly melted away. One of the problems is that Russia is now a less effective base from which to launch night raids against the America. Russia used to be ground zero in a proxy war between the forces of Optimism and Beigeocracy on the one hand, and everything unpleasant that they wanted to stamp out on the other side. We at the eXile took the side of Unpleasantness. When the financial crisis hit in 1998, it looked like we’d won. The Beigeists were in full retreat, dropping everything and fleeing like the GIs at Chosin Reservoir, pointing fingers at each other, blaming everyone but themselves for having lied about Yeltsin’s Russia, then later, finally deciding, in their brilliance, that it was all Russia’s fault that they, the American Beigeocracy, had fucked it up. It looked like we’d routed them. But now we know the truth about the Battle of August 1998: we all lost. How? The Beigeists pulled out and declared that Russia no longer mattered. They withdrew their blue ribbon toadies like Michael Specter and Fred Hiatt and replaced them with third-string hacks like Michael Wines and Maura Reynolds. It was the ultimate display of contempt. Russia is no longer worthy of even America’s court toadies. The result has been that as a problem, Russia no longer exists. Meaning it’s harder for us to hurt the Beigeocracy.

I sometimes worry that the eXile’s ability to terrorize America is as hopeless as that of the Japanese in World War Two, when, to terrorize California’s civilian population, they attached bomblets to helium balloons, blew hard and pushed onward from Okinawa using the eastern-winds of the Pacific jet stream, bomblets which exploded harmlessly over the Simi Valley Canyon or in Big Sur, popping anonymously over huge empty tracts of desert and forest and rocky hills... while the Americans unleashed relentless firebombing raids on every square inch of urban Japan, turning Tokyo into the world’s largest wok, frying up human tempura by the hundreds of thousands... No, we cannot let that happen to us, the tragic fate of the once-noble Japanese, microwaved (on high setting) until they finally caved and became the world’s most pliant, devoted Consumers. In order to avoid this, one’s tactics may have to change. The Pincer Plan may have to be revised by the generals, into something like “Operation Pipe Bomb Packed With Nails And Glass Left In A Starbuck’s Trash Can At 55th And Lexington”... Now, not only are the Beigeists fully entrenched and getting fatter by the day, but their quislings in the alternative America subculture are worse than ever. Which means we may have to step up the war, take it to their homes. For every fuckedcompany.com pud eager and proud to sell out to The Man and rub elbows with the swine of America, there are hundreds of thousands of pud-a-bees dreaming of following in his scuffed-Puma’d footsteps. (Which reminds me: someone should kill, and I mean K-I-L-L that fuckedcompany.com faggot. Has anyone noticed how smoothly and eagerly he transformed from fake Angry Guy to chummy Jeff Bezos Guy? A fatwah has been issued to all eXile readers: Death to pud and his entire Collaborationist Generation!)

This issue I’m going to do something lazy and shamefully egotistical, even by my standards. I’m going to quote in full an on-line interview that I did with some dork from The Leader, an alterno-newspaper out of Milwaukee. People who run newspapers like The Leader in the U.S. want to know our secret at the eXile. Not the secret to our ideology, which really has no secret, and which they don’t give a fuck about anyway, but rather the secret to our success, limited as it is. They all invariably assume that we’re faking this, that we’re merely carving out a market niche, that the whole thing was planned with a marketing department schooled in segmenting, and thus reflects some kind of 21st century alterno-culture savvy, rather than real, bleeding hatred of the Smiley People.

So the editor of The Leader, Michael Carey (Mariah’s spiritual brother) requested in chummy alterno style an interview with us. Taibbi waved it off with disgust, but I have a hard time turning down a chance to set off a little pipe bomb. So I answered. Not the way these alternative culture people want you to—in their wink-wink language in which all the players know that if you scratch an alternative journo, you get a second-rate careerist hunting for the back-door entrance to The New York Times. He tossed me underhanded softball alterno-questions, and I answered them all honestly. I never heard back from Carey again.

It pissed me off that this two-bit goatee from a rag called The Leader backed out when the going got too hot. But they’re all like that, all the Jeff Bezoses in Urban Hipster clothing... So I’m reprinting the unpublished interview here. I know that you readers have already had an earful and then some from me. So you can skip it if you want to. This is between me and every goateed fuckedcompany.com sellout with an iMac. Fuck you all, fuck off and die a slow horrible death. Someday, maybe, hopefully, you will.

——-Original Message——-

From: The Leader <leader@csd.uwm.edu>

To: Editor <editor@exile.ru>

Date: Wednesday, November 08, 2000 7:23 AM

Subject: Re: Interview?

>As an American Expat, does the presidential election effect you?

“Effect” or “affect”? Yes, it affects me. I have to listen to half-wit idiotic Russians make quips about how our system is just as corrupt as theirs is. Hardy-har-har.

>Did you vote?

I voted with my feet 7 years ago. I fled America and I never plan on returning. If I had a mind to vote, I would have voted for Bush. I’d like Americans to have to face the kind of idiotic sleaze that Bush represents. What Americans always hated about Clinton’s sleaze was that it was too articulate. Americans hate articulate people—they distrust them to their core. They want people as stupid and inarticulate as they are. That’s what “real people” are. Sleaze is fine, but articulate-ness, that’s a crime. So give ‘em Bush.

>What’s currently going on in Russia?

What kind of a question is this? What’s going on in America? Can you answer that? Here’s a quick answer: this country is dying, it’s awash in blood and spent semen. That’s what makes it interesting. America is awash in designer coffee and ethnic restaurants. Knee-deep in blandness.

>What are the major differences between the Russian culture and American culture?

Russia has a pulse. America has an interest-earning checking account for a soul. That, and the fact that the women here don’t have bulldozers for asses makes a difference. Americans have to be the most timid, terrified people on earth, unless you put them into a business situation, selling knives or .com concepts. Then you can’t shut an American up.

>What do you love about Russia?

That it’s 6000 miles from American territory.

>What do you hate about Russia?

The people.

>What do you miss about America?

I miss the forests north of San Francisco. Nothing compares with that. You could plan a massive sarin gas terror act up there. Or you could masturbate in peace. Probably the only place in the US you can do that.

>What do you hate about America?

Every single last fucking thing.

>Was Johnny Chen from Milwaukee, WI?

Yes, how did you know? That bastard is washed up though. He’s on protease inhibitors, but he won’t say why.

>Rumor has it that after living in Russia, New York City seems tame? Is that true? >Why do you think Russia is that way?

New York City doesn’t even exist anymore. It’s an imitation of San Jose. It should be nuked. A few tons of sarin gas would do the job.

>Is Russia starting to stabilize?

Yes. At some point, even terminal cancer patients stabilize.

>Should Russia be more protectionist?

It should be more menacing. It should mass troops on the borders with its neighbors, and squeeze Western aid in return for withdrawing those troops. That’s the only way the world respects Russia.

>Why should people buy the exile book?

Because the book will change their lives. It will either make them grow hair in places they didn’t know hair would grow, or finally give them hope that there is a way of fighting back against the massive horrible flatness that we all confront.

>Why is eXile spelled the way it is?

Because it really annoys people. Our paper is ergonamically designed to annoy as many people as possible.

>What is the eXile circulation?

25,000 copies in Moscow. We get up to 2 million hits/month on the web page, mostly from the U.S.

>Do Russians enjoy capitalism? Do they want a return to communism or something else entirely?

Oh sure, they enjoy capitalism. They wake up every day and say, “Hey, this is fun! Say what you will about having no job and seeing all this shit in the stores that no one but thieves can buy, but you can’t say this isn’t FUN.” For the most part Russians would like to not have to starve to death or worry about a cop bonking them over the head for a bribe. Pretty basic stuff.

>How does the Western press normally depict Russia?

The Western press portrays Russia as a battle of Good Guys vs. Bad Guys. The good guys are the ones who speak English and parrot the IMF line; the bad guys are everyone else. The Western Press has shown Russia that we can do Pravda propaganda much, much better than they did it. Russians always knew that their media was propaganda bullshit; our American readers would never believe you if you told them that ours are all lies and propaganda. Americans are the most gullible idiots on earth. They actually trust The New York Times or the Washington Post. At least Russians were never that stupid.

>Why do you think they portray it this way?

Because Western, or more particularly American journalists love people who have power and money, and hate everyone who gets in the way.

>Are Russian journalists beginning to change the way they report Russia?

Russian journalists are light-years ahead of American journalists when it comes to challenging power and conventional wisdom, and when it comes to style.

>Would you recommend that anyone visit Russia? What type of person would enjoy a trip there?

A male in possession of functioning genitalia would likely enjoy Russia. Otherwise, it sucks.

>What is day to day life like for an expat in Russia?

Great. One lives like a bloodsucking colonialist parasite, instead of living as a cubicle serf in the US. You take your pick.

>How is Russia reacting to the Middle East crisis?

Russia doesn’t react to anything. It merely steals and dies.

>What places should the American tourist who wants to see the “real” Russia visit? Why?

Night Flight. It’s a whore house patronized by married expatriate businessmen. That is Russia today in a nut shell.

>In Russia, are you constantly afraid of being killed?

I am more afraid of answering stupid questions than of getting killed.

>Has living in Russia effected your “morals”?

You mean “affected”, not “effected”, right? It has turned me into a self-hating Jew. Not sure if that’s a moral issue or not. Otherwise, this place merely allowed me to act out my amoral dreams.

>How is the Russian “moral” code different from the American moral code?

America is wholly and disgustingly hypocritical. That’s what American morality is. Russian morality makes a lot more sense. Take what you can, rape while you can get it up, then move out of the way when someone stronger comes, or pay the price. That seems fair.

>What’s the deal with Russian mail order brides?

The same with Korean mail order brides. You buy one. You bring her out, fuck her until you’re sick of her, then dump her. Kill her if you want to. They’re slaves.

>How do Russians view Americans? Have they been effected by the cold war?

Here’s your “effected” again. Son, didn’t they teach you grammar in school? Russians view us as gods and colonial overlords, which is how they should view us. They’re scum, and we’re great.

>Has anyone working for the eXile ever been killed?

Not yet. Some have been arrested. Some have contracted chronic sexual diseases. Most of us have been thrashed to within an inch of our lives.

>Describe the average eXile writer The Average reader

He masturbates an enormous amount, and hates himself.

>What really ended the cold war?

The eXile.

>Do you feel freer in Russia or America?

Absolutely in Russia. I’d be chased out of America with a pitchfork and torches if I behaved this way in our shitty puritanical country.

>How have Russians reacted to Democracy?

They haven’t had democracy here, just oligarchy with the trappings of Democracy, enough trappings to allow the Clinton administration to claim victory.

>What’s the meaning of life?

Vengeance.

>What’s working at the eXile like?

It’s like taking a very, very long shit that never quite comes out.

>How do you respond to charges of misogyny in the eXile?

With a big smile on my face.

>The Leader is one of two competing low level underground newspapers in >Milwaukee, do you have any suggestions on how we can cripple our competition >Moscow times style?

You may have to resort to violence.

>Is there anything you’d like to add?

Fuck off and die.

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