the eXile - [sic]

Issue #23/104, Nov 23 - Dec 7, 2000

SMOKING WEIDLER

Dear Dr. Dolan,

Boy, the literary world must polish your doorknob. You think you’re so smart, but you’re not. You’re this graying 45-year old who can’t remember what his youth was like so you slag on authors like Bret Easton Ellis becuase you didn’t make it yourself, you fucking loser.

Dennis Weidler
weidler@utility.net

Dear Mr. Weidler,

Jeepers, you wouldn’t happen to have been upset or annoyed by Dr. Dolan’s Top Ten List, wouldja? Because you can almost taste the acid burps and smell the ulcer enzymes on your letter to the editor. Whatever the case, we can say with some authority that your sarcasm was so caustic that it could probably operate a small electronic device, like a pen light or a vibrating butt-plug, that’s how caustic your sarcasm was. And who are you to call Dr. Dolan a loser? He already purchased the trademark to that right (see Dr. Dolan’s article, page 6).

A HANDJOB’S TAIL

Dear Dr. Dolan,

Don’t be so hard on Atwood - she’s required reading in high school now, which means that she can’t be that influential. To reply to the article: I agree with what you say, but no matter how much women want children, and we do of course (even Ally McBeal, only hers dances for some strange reason,) that’s no escape from the cubicle world. The higher sort of woman, your urban upper middle class, will go back to work after baby’s birth. This pays for baby’s designer clothes, private school, and eventually car-and-college, while stationed back at home is said immigrant of color, who assumes the title of “Mommy” and has been the subject of many an angstful New York Times column on the “Loss of Motherhood” etc. etc. The ones who go home to stay may find it more satisfying in the short run - in the long run usually they go back to some sort of midlevel job, since even though their children may go to public school, keeping costs down for now, in order not to fall into the ranks of rednecks they need to go to college. Which costs money. And besides, buying your kid something bigger than the neighbor’s kid proves you love them that much more. In the end, it’s a cubicle style of raising children - your child, and by proxy you, are competing against other children to get into the “best” kindergarten, the club team, the magnet school, all the way up through college, after which the cycle begins anew. Preparing son or daughter for a future of competing against others in an office setting. Just wanted to let you know that us Ally girls still want our brats, we just have to work a little harder to keep them in the style to which they must be accustomed to!

Jessica Wolpert

Dear Ms. Wolpert,

Just shuttup and roll over, will yuh? We don’t have all day here.

HE SAID...

Dear editor,

Kosovo article was great.

Daz Cox

Dear Mr. Cox,

Sir, do you realize that your last name... that it... if you... aw, forget it.

HARD-HITTING LETTER

Good health to all ,

I have been reading for well over 8 mos. I also correspond with Russian nationals. What i cant seem to understand is why after seeing the exploitation being committed by the imperialist Capitalist money mongering so called free nations (mine included), the people of Russia havent given more support to the good old Communist party. It seems to me that a Nation which has had its trial and errors and has suffered since the break Down of Soviet guidance might give it a realistic chance without the cold war. So many bleeding hearts, I see laziness all around me. Here in the U.S. not a soul will lift a finger unless it results in getting thicker. Thicker in the ass and in the wallet. all at the expense of our unfortunate have-nots. I have spent an incredible amount of time repairing insect infested slim holes that we have managed to hide our poverty stricken brothers in. there is a side to America that no nation could envy. Since there are many wealthy there are countless poor. Only here it is incureable, the rich have centuries of cultivating power and massing propaganda claiming bearers of freedom. all to end up in the same place cold dark eternal soil, released from the separation of class its only been a decade for you, remember time is not money, time is priceless

Odin

Dear Odin,

We have searched this letter twice for something that praises our newspaper or recommends our book, but we haven’t found it. Probably through some Internet glitch, you know how these things are, something got lost in the transmission. Whyncha send the letter again, and this time make sure that the relevant praise is there.

OPIC-KING ON EXILE

Dear Ames —

While you’re galavanting around Kosovo pretending to be a journalist,the paper seems to be going straight to hell. Is Taibbi on vacation too?

That feature story on OPIC by Rudnitsky was the most boring, long-winded, trite and half-hearted piece of crap I can ever remember reading in the eXile. Taibbi’s press review in the last issue was a close second.

Has fame got the better of you?

N. Konick

Dear Mr. Konick

Mark Ames replies: “Thank you for writing the letter, Nick. I’m still upset that I had to do that ‘favor’ for you. A painful blister/sore broke out in my butthole 4 days after I did you that favor. But still, thanks for writing the letter.”

THE SAIB FACTOR

Dear Mark and Matt,

I noticed your new inclusion of the restaurant/bar “Museum” and how little it actually contained. I live directly above the place and tend to eat and drink there quite often. So, he is my personal review of the place.

* sex *** Flatheads *** Drinks

Museum

Cheers: One word ...GLASS. Glass wall, glass floor, even the tables are glass, which makes it easy for people to check out your crotch or for you to check out your date’s camel toe. The Shah would have to be peeled out of this place. Nice crowd of pretentious Novy Russki’s and their amazing dyevs. Classy place. Meaning, Dan Higgins would never make it in.

Jeers: The only place in Moscow where they require face control in a restaurant. The doormen are professional and they never forget to ask if you carry weapons. Drinks are not cheap.

Hope this helps

Bilal Saib

Dear Mr. Saib,

Cheers: Has a camel-jockey-sounding name, which eXile needs to balance its over-reliance on fake Jewish pseudonyms.

Jeers: Thinks he can contribute to eXile; writes letter that doesn’t fawn on newspaper or promote eXile book; expects a free eXile rag for his head even though we only give away T-shirts`

IN PRAISE OF [sic]

Dear Editors,

Just a thought, but Sic these days seems a bit lacking in abusive correspondence. What happened, did people suddenly start liking you? Anyway, it worries me, because I know you need it, like a US pensioner in a documentary I once saw who gets hookers to clamp bulldog clips to his nipples and rasp a cheese grater across the tip of his dick. While he drinks a glass of their pee.

But I digress. No, for want of something more worthwhile to do with my life, I thought I’d simply have me a little stab at a T-shirt by brownnosing about your paper, fawning my way right up the old mudchute the way you like it.

Sometimes funny, it’s an OK kind of paper. And there’s naught else to bring cheer to the souls of us English-speaking folk leading ever grayer lives in Moscow. Apart from gratuitous fornication, that is, but since I’m so damned ugly I’m not doing a great deal of that. Unless I pay for it, but I’m broke, so I’m stuck with you. There’s drugs of course, but they’re not free either. Bringing me back to your publication, which is.

You know, if it weren’t for the T-shirt thing it might just be easier to hurl a few cheap insults like in the good old days of Sic, get things back on an even keel as it were, but that would probably undermine my immediate objective. I’d actually like to embrace this opportunity - parallel to the T-shirt issue - to prompt a more meaningful dialog between you and your readers, bringing us all a little closer together. While wearing eXile T-shirts. I mean, many of us despite not being cornhole rangers already feel a kinship with Mark, what with his frank discussion of the crab problem. As a former sufferer, I’d also recommend you zap them with a lighter as they pop pretty well, only be sure to detach them from your groin first.

Matt, I hate to say it, but by comparison, your side of the show is just not open and confessional enough. You seem to work too hard, what with reading all those foreign newspapers, building cathedrals and following beat cops and stuff. So what we want is for you to ease up a bit and toss us a few pics of you mounting Valentina Matvienko in your gorilla suit, and tell us what it was like. But whatever, you’re the boss.

Am I getting anywhere here? Do I need to step up on the humility and self deprecation, or on the asslicking by gushing about how the serious articles vindicate all the tasteless nasty stuff? Or should I at this point show what a regular guy I am by joking about how you are going to get your asses pumped full of semen from black cocks in jail, like with James Madison in Pulp Fiction? It’s all so confusing.

Anyway, let me know how it’s coming on and I’ll finish up later. Just in case the message got a bit lost on the way, the eXile is of course...er... an awesome creation, I’m your biggest fan. And with fans like me, who needs enemas,

Eddie G.

Dear Eddie,

You’re absolutely right. We’ve cracked down hard on critical [sic] letters. It’s this whole Putin mojo that we’re riding. The readers don’t like it anyway. It confuses them. For brown-nosing us, and for revealing that you belong to our target market audience (frustrated, masturbating, overeducated, self-loathing males), you have just won yourself a crisp, free, spankin’ clean eXile T-shirt. Call Valya and let ‘er rip!

CAPTAIN AMERICA

Mark,

I read your Kosovo article with interest. I lived in Moscow from 1995-1998 (we met at a party once) and I worked for RosInter and then Deutsche Bank at the time. Presently, I am, “employed” as a Captain in the US Army, assigned as a result of my PhD in Economics from the Russian Diplomtic University (MGIMO-MID) as an Infantry officer.

My unit is going to be depolyed to Kosovo in late 2001. More interesting, your oblique refer to LT Serefini and his “white torture” incident where he points the unloaded pistol at the Kosovars head and tells him to talk. Lt Seerefini was in my squad durin Infantry School. I remember telling him that in Guatemala, they practiced this technique (this was 1999). The Georgian officer who was with us, remarked that “ne khuya cebe! emu nado tebe blagodarit za obucheniye. Naverno spasibo mnogo, a troyak xvatit!”

Nothing surprises me anymore.

Regards,

Y.S.

Dear Mr. S.,

Lt. Serefini sounds like a helluva a guy to us! While jack-offs like us merely write about madness, this guy just gets right down to business. His methods may be unsound, but hey, it’s a rough world out there. eXile readers are advised to write a letter to your local congressman requesting that any serviceman named “Serefini” be awarded a medal and stripes for every peasant he jacks.

SUE ME

Dear Mark & the rest of [sic],

I bought your book, and I read your book [without knowing who the fuck you were, and only on account that I wanted some sex tips about Russian democratic whores]. So... Where’s Matt? And Can I get a t-shirt?

I don’t have an ego-fucking web-site and I don’t want to write for you, but I want a t-shirt that I can wear around town here in the desert boonies. I want to wear it over my abaya so I can get arrested. In fact, I’ll donate fresh camel turd AND a t-tube of oil (crude) if you can guess where I’m from.

You lucky S.O.R.s

Sincerely

Sue

Dear Sue,

You know the deal here. One jpeg of your snapper equals one T-shirt, served to order. Make sure you Nair your snapper first. We don’t want to miss a single thing.