Issue #22/103, November 9 - 23, 2000 
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NICOTINE AND CAFFEINE
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Addiction. It’s a powerful thing. People do all manner of things just to get a fix. When you are sweating and twitching from withdrawal, not much can stand in your way of securing a dose of your drug of choice. The world narrows into tunnel vision, thoughts of a cure dominate your enfeebled mind, your sweaty hands clench and unclench just at the possibility of one blessed fix. Even murder becomes an acceptable means to your end.
Granted, most people don’t go to such lengths over a can of coffee and a pack of smokes. But, according to Moskovsky Komsomolets, a traveling salesman did just that.
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These Russian tanning salons sure get the job done right! |
22-year-old Evgeny, a Zelnograd native, worked going door-to-door selling junk. At work, he was universally held in high esteem. No one could see why anyone would want to kill him. Likewise, they didn’t want to believe that his 21-year-old coworker was capable of a heinous crime like murder. Especially for just a cup of joe. Instant joe, at that.
But, last month while the two were driving to make a pitch outside of Moscow, that is exactly what happened. They pulled over to get some gas and Evgeny jumped out to buy some necessities. The storeowner claimed that he bought a can of Jacobs instant coffee and some cigarettes. Just to satisfy a couple harmless addictions. With that, Evgeny started up his Gazel, and they were on their way.
They hadn’t gone far when his coworker asked him to pull over the car. He said he had to take a piss. In fact, the spot they pulled over was a prearranged meeting place where the suspect had agreed to meet a couple of friends. When the car stopped, the murderer jumped out and his accomplices tied up Evgeny. They all jumped in the car and drove a couple of kilometers further.
There, the group sliced up Evgeny, ran the car off the road and lit it on fire, with Evgeny in it. In addition to the coffee and cigarettes, they took R150,000 in cash and another R170,000 in merchandise. Then, Evgeny’s coworker went to the office and told his supervisor a concocted tale about how Evgeny met his end.
The story was so lame that the militsia didn’t buy it for a minute.
The cops quickly figured out what happened, rounded up the suspects and all the stolen stuff. Except the coffee and cigarettes. Well, at least the villains got their fix.
MOTHER-IN-LAW MAYHEM
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It is every mother’s dream that her daughter date a New Russian. Such a move guarantees financial security, a trendy cell phone and no threat of emigration. Besides, the abuse, philandering and egotism the daughter has to put up with can’t be any worse than dating some stiff who will doubtless end up unemployed and drunk in a couple years. New Russians are the answer.
But sometimes mothers can forget that in Russia, it doesn’t get any better. In mid-October, the mother of a 24-year-old philology student did just that. His Mercedes 420 no longer impressed her, nor did the endless gifts and free three-room apartment the New Russian gave her daughter. She just couldn’t take the constant beatings that he showered on her beloved daughter.
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So, for $3000 (which in all likelihood was the New Russian’s money), she hired a couple of killers from her native Mordovia to take care of him.
While she waited on the stairway, they broke into her apartment to do the deed. They knew he was home because his car was parked out front. He was in the shower at the time, and heard nothing.
The two killers charged into the bathroom armed with an axe and a knife, but didn’t have a chance to get a swing in. The terrified New Russian instead managed to run past them fully naked and to a window, so as to call for help. But, the intuitive killers saw the open, screen-less window and pitched him out, so as not to sully the apartment.
The murderers’ identities are known, but only one has been apprehended. The only question is who the New Russian thought was doing him in.
SHEEP
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For thousands of years, sheep have been slighted by people. They’re called stupid, gullible, willing to be lead even to slaughter. Even in New Zealand, where they outnumber people many times over, they have never attempted to overthrow the yoke of their colonial oppressors.
But last Sunday, one normally docile flock rose up against the evil reign of humans in the quiet hamlet of China Grove, North Carolina. According to the AP, Carl and Mary Beaver, two elderly farmers, went out to tend to their minions only to be met by a violent uprising.
A recently acquired ram, fed up with being emasculated while the Beavers bullied and harassed his ewes, attacked the couple in a pasture not far from their home. Mary, 80, died on the scene with a broken leg and massive head trauma. Her 84-year-old husband died the next morning from the goring in an area hospital.
The ram, whose name has been withheld, is the sole target of investigation. Apparently, he was just trying to protect his honeys during mating season. According to Lt. John Sifford, there is little doubt who perpetrated the crime. “All indications point to the ram,” he said. “He had blood on his head as well as his back.”
The Beavers were found torn up in the pasture after they failed to show up at a relative’s house. The ram’s fate still hangs in limbo, as family members have yet to decide what to do with the ram.
They worry about killing though, for fear of turning him into a martyr.
OLD AGE STORY
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It was a bad week for pensioners around the globe. Poor suckers. They made it through several decades, evading all sorts of potential threats and situations that could bring about their demise, wanting only to die in peace. But, just as the kingdom of heaven seemed to be beckoning them to retire from this world naturally, they bite it violently. Alas.
The case in question is doubly tragic because the agent of the two unfortunate seniors’ demise was their 23-year-old grandson. They had raised him from a pup, doted on him, gave him every thing they could. Indeed, they were much kinder and closer to him than his parents.
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Catching a little shuteye. |
But at a certain point, he stopped being the cute, lovable grandkid he once was. He seemed to forget that his past relationship with his withering grandparents; picking mushrooms with his babulya, drinking tea to the constant drone of state radio in the kitchen and all the little things that made up his generic Russian upbringing.
He turned to smack instead. As his addiction grew, he moved out of the flat into a squat with some other junkies. He only came around to ask for money from his impoverished grandparents. They gave what they could from their meager pensions, but it was never enough. Eventually, on the advice of the junkie’s father, they stopped opening the door for their grandson.
However, last week their love got the better of them. They just wanted to let him in once, for old times’ sake. Fry him some potatoes, get some meat on his bones and just spend some QT with their darling grandson.
When they opened the door, he immediately started asking for money. But, his 72-year-old granddad and 70-year-old granny told him they had nothing to give. The junkie wouldn’t take no for an answer, and grabbed the nearest blunt object—a frying pan— and started wailing on the old couple.
Still, they couldn’t give what they didn’t have, and he beat them until long after their decrepit bodies stopped twitching. He only stopped once the handle snapped and his weapon was rendered useless. Then, he grabbed the few rubles he found lying around and a small Soviet TV and ran.
The pensioners were found the next day decaying in their apartment. It didn’t take the authorities long to figure out who the perpetrator was and to find the grandson.
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